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Hello, I am YFAT or Lo. I have been writing on Journal Scape for eight years now, working on my ninth. How the time flies! This journal chronicles my random thoughts, high moments and sometimes low, throughout high school, college, and now beyond, into the world of "adulthood", whatever that means.
2008-02-12 12:54 PM
College is meant to make you angry
I think the sole purpose of college is to make everyone into Pissed Off Llamas.
Most of my main classes I have taken so far just make me feel really REALLY angry at society.
Today it was socio because all I saw was ass and breasts that whole class as we watched Dreamworlds 3 about how bad music videos are. I had the Feminist Power shit rushing through my veins and I was like "I am SO ready to kick someone in da balls right now." It was all about the Pornographic Imagination and how the lines blend between reality and society and that music videos are essentially through the eyes of boys going through puberty and that we've seen it a billion times before and that is the only way an artist, particularly female can make it big and that we should show more ways of viewing what is sexy and what a woman is and what a man is. They didn't say it was wrong but that it was a very narrow view.
Anyway I was freakin' mad when I got out of there with a torrid of angry feminist thoughts rushing through my head. I was like "Fuck yeah! I don't shave my legs! And I don't spread them!"
College: making pissed of people for a loooooong time.
I'm taking a momentary break between the insanity that is this semester. My schedule is packed to the brim.
Last night Sara was just like "I haven't seen you lately."
My reasons 1)lots homework 2)I'm busy being a club-ho and doing all the other crap I do 3)no one has seen me in general 5)I only appear at meal times to socialize and I was the non-existent roommate yesterday....on a Monday 6)I'm kind of avoiding her anyway because she seems to trigger my upchuck impulse when I see her. Lets just say my priorities are different this semester and she recently did something that made me lose a massive amount of respect for her and wonder what respect she has for herself. I haven't expressed this to her though because I really cannot express it in words if she can't see it in my face. But then I suppose that is some of my autism working. The autism thing makes me really good at inconspicuously avoiding people as well so they don't really know that I am unspeakably mad or disgusted with them or that I am unbearably depressed and don't want to be around people. My mom, who gave birth to me, is one of the few people that notices these things when I do them. My ninja skills do not work with her so well.
Perhaps this is not always the safest thing but my autism can be a bungee cord as well as in "Yo! You is bein' reh-tarded! Snap yo ass back to reality biatch!" and then
I go back to normal Loey and no one has so much of a clue that I might have had an extremely shitty time the night before. I might casually mention it in an a very off to the side "Oh it's nothing" sort of comment that slips under the radar but I avoid letting anything more come of it.
But that is me. I'm guarded but I'm not.
Anyway, I'm avoiding Sara, again, because what she did clashed with my personal morals so strongly that I cannot be around her. My other friend Evie feels similar but at this point we're going to let Sara make her own mistakes. I believe people can help themselves, can change if they will it, if they are strong and determined but Sara kind of showed me how lacking she is in what I feel makes up the core of my persona. So of course I'm not going to want to be near it until I get some control on my belly.
But in general I'm a avoiding people too so though some of it centers around her it is not exclusive to her.
Anyway, I really need to go to class now.
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