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Hello, I am YFAT or Lo. I have been writing on Journal Scape for eight years now, working on my ninth. How the time flies! This journal chronicles my random thoughts, high moments and sometimes low, throughout high school, college, and now beyond, into the world of "adulthood", whatever that means.
2008-05-31 1:20 AM
Body, boys and bumbling.
I don't understand my body at all.
Okay, so I'm at the movies with John(I will explain this progression later) maybe twenty minutes from the end of Iron Man(fucking shitty right? Yeah, missed it) and my body just starts getting fucking wacked. Like I feel like I'm about to pass out, want to upchuck, can't stop shaking. I realize I've only eaten like one fucking meal today cause my appetite has been screwed. The damn concession stand is closed. I call my mom and I manage to get some soda and John runs around commandeering cause he's fearless and take charge like that and I'm talking to my mom like "Yeah, I'm fine. I think. I'm drinking soda" but my legs are fucking wobbling and I have no idea. John gets me some peanut M&Ms and we sit down and I'm still damn shakey and I'm forcing them down(they taste damn gross when your belly doesn't want them and you already have an aversion to chocolate) and man....it was fucked up. (Honestly, I don't actually curse this much in real life, I just do it because I can in writing). I sit down but my body would rather stand but I sit down anyway and talk to mom until dad comes. John seems to be able to hear my thoughts because he does things exactly as I'm thinking them(like grabbing my sweat shirt that I left in the theater). I apologize like more than human should about missing the movie ending and thinking what a dork I am and yeah...more concerned about him than my body. Yeah, I'm strange and I say weird things when my body gets weird(another reason to NEVER be drunk) and I lose my filter and just babble things repeatedly.
My dad comes, I ask John if we can have a redo sometime and he's busy the next weekend but whatever, I feel like a freakin' dork for my complete inability to take care of myself. I'm just thinking "shit, he's probably like 'Gah! She just scared the fucking shit out of me. Hell if I'm dealing with that again. I need to smoke something!'" while my body is still shaking and not knowing if it wants to upchuck or what.
We stop at McD's and try to get some more food in me but I eat at most five french fries during the ride because my stomach wants to launch them back up my throat. I drink my milk but don't touch the burger. It's been like nine-hours since I've eaten anything besides some cookies, milk and chips. But other people fair better and I haven't lost any weight or suddenly gone anorexic. So I wonder if it's from stress but you'd think it would happen a lot more since I'm a very anxious and freakin' nervous type person twenty-four-seven.
I have no idea. Just now the shakeyness has completely passed so just urgh...no idea if I'm coming down with anything. Mom gave me the nurse run over, heart beat, pulse, peeing and pooing, eating habits, symptoms, the list. At this point she says just listen to my body.
I tend to psych myself out of things for as long possible(such as sprained ankles, colds, fevers, possible loss of consciousness) so I dunno what this crap was. I hate that it happened in a movie theatre with a person whom I haven't seen in person since last year.
Yeah. Shite on me.
At the same time I'm rather glad it was John there though. He doesn't believe my "I'm fine" crap even though I hate being weak in front of anyone(kind of can't help it at this point though. My body just loves pulling shit). He handled it well and can kind of hear my thoughts, had his arms around me and yeah....who am I kidding? I admit it, he is strong, stronger than I am.
So here it comes. Wuh tuh fuh were you doing with John when you were all "OMGZ hates and gah BLURGAMGURGLEMAHFAZ!" about him last entry?
Well talking on the internet and talking in person are way different. Online I am a fucking bitch. That's what I've found anyway. It's like some strange anger just comes out and I'm terrible and probing and just...yeah. It's slightly harder to fight my nature to find definitions and roots of things(possible reason for my history love?). Anyway, yeah, seeing him in person is different. That and he kind of seduced me by cuddling me because that guy just knows how to work his hands(Not sexually!) and if I could purr I probably would have because boys rock. Haha. Can you tell how tired I am?
But yeah the next day(today, durh) I'm kind of flip floppin and all this go between stuff and I'm finally(toward the end of the day) like "screw it, I love this person. He's probably one of the longest friendships I've had so I should stop being a damn bitch now and just be me...and go on a date with him." So much for the date. >.<
I am such a sketch face.
I don't really know what to call it though I'm not calling it anything at the moment. Whatever happens happens. I love John and I think I always will so I need to get the fuck over it like we never happened and like we don't love each other, at least strongly as friends. Because yeah, he is awesome. I mean, the crap he has been through...he perserveres[screw you Vista spell check, I'm leaving that one misspelled]. The only way I can describe his soul is beautiful and artistic in a way that I have never seen in anyone else. He's unique and he's John, different from the guy that I fell for when I was fourteen but also the same in a better sense. I can't explain it. I just feel it.
And we know each other. I mean I complete people's sentences all the time but he completes mine. That boogles the shit outta me.
I just feel like a massive dork at the moment. I think it goes with my shirt("Talk nerdy to me") and pants(Grumpy Carebears) and my headphones and my peacock ring with the chipping baby blue nail polish on my fingers and the bright blue on my toes. It feels like every song is me somehow.
If I was somwhat more coherent I would write poetry but I think I'll save that for my hill tomorrow(whom I had a joyus and non-ass paining reunion with the other day. It was amazing. I got to the top and reached my peace and left humanity behind and just looked at my country and my hills and valleys. I thought about languages and artistic animation[like as you're walking down a road under trees toward a clearing how the divide in the tree tops gets slowly wider and and wider from a 2D perspective and the only person who would really need to acknowledge this is an old school drawing animator or a comic artist depending on the detail they're working with.]. I thought about how I want to just walk some days and never think about who's fence I'll hit or who's land I'm walking over because the world is one big continuum and was made round, to flow and never really end and never made itself any sort of walls besides mountains sort of and oceans in another sense. I thought of how I just wanted to leap out on great wings over my valley and follow it like a high way to whereever it would lead me. And I wondered who would ever want to live somewhere flat where you couldn't see all this amazing beauty rolling around unless you were up on high. I thought what the place would look like without the farms and houses and fields and wondered what clearings formed naturally and what ones were made. But I erase humanity's evidence in my mind a lot. I picture the world without our big hand print in the concrete. So whenever people wonder why I seem to look like I am a thousand miles away then I might now be a thousand miles but just a thousand years.)
Anyway I should probably get some sleep now since it's like 2:30am and I'm far past done with my bodily...um...thing.. Oh yeah and I need to not be a night owl since I'll be opening the library at 9am some mornings(yup everything there is set up but I really should not let my thoughts continue to carry me away in written form tonight.)
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