Acceptance: Small Introspection

-I am not a writer, not in the sense as I once called myself. It was a gloomy thought at first but I suppose it is just something I am growing out of. I have to hone the sword of my non-fiction writing at the moment. My notebooks will always be there but for now inspiration is little to none. It is no longer the strong part of my being it once was and it is okay.

-I cannot be friends with Ben. He declared this in a public chat today and had people not knowing the situation going "Whaaaat?" I just kind of sat there thinking "Well no duh. We haven't even exchanged typed words in two weeks but you could have at least stated that in a private message." I responded just like "Yup, I thought so myself." I mean really? Was that meant to hurt me at all? Because it really didn't. I am glad. I am perfectly okay with it. I don't want to remember the face or know the person behind his avatar anymore...because it really sucks. I mean not directly saying that he sucks but just the experience of knowing. It's like knowing how deep that iceberg root is as you head toward it and trying to ignore it but really thinking "FML." Okay, that was morbid but it was the only analogy I could think of. It is the conflict of who they are as you knew them and what they show. It's like "real Lo" versus YFAT.

Introspection: Ultimate Fear and Vulnerability

Truthfully what sucked more than that weird confrontation was the terrible fucking nightmare I had about Above Person last night. It was one of the worst nightmares ever and I have no idea why now of all times it appeared.
I was just doing something in my apartment by myself and he was just THERE, as though he had been stalking me all along. I remember bits and flashes of it, of us fighting fist to fist, body to body as he battered me with words, demanding -something- I couldn't give him. It went on a long time. Finally he left and I was cleaning up, trying to hide the signs of the fight, ashamed that someone untrained had beaten me and wondering what I would say to Kevin (self defense instructor). I stood up to go outside for a moment and came back and He was there again. I screamed again and again for the fact that I wasn't free. No one heard me. I got out again and ran down the hall but no one would listen to me. I found my RA at last, tried to tell her what was happening and was whisked away with some woman who didn't know where she was going. But I knew He was still out there. The last I remember was sitting on a couch in some anonymous protection program lobby and waiting.
~
The wasn't so much that it was scary as the fact that I was defeated, beaten. Things that scare me in dreams- I can wake up from them, things that pursue me I tend to run but still a sense that I can turn and fight or it isn't real or I don't know what it is pursuing me so it doesn't feel as dire. Other things I just kind of shake my head and turn away from in dreams. But this truly truly sucked because essentially the dream version of him caught me off guard and alone. I fought my freaking ass off and was just constantly battered, mentally and physically. Fight was all I could do but that wasn't enough and I felt it. I escaped to find help but I had still lost terribly, you know? It didn't matter when it had already happened, the act done, the helplessness ingrained.
Looking back at it I think it really states what I ultimately am scared of. It struck me hard because of how extremely incapacitated I was, because even when I was fighting it didn't matter and didn't add up to anything. Even when I screamed no one heard me. It was paralyzing. It was me in probably the most vulnerable position I could ever find myself in and knowing I had failed to protect myself when here I had had the training that should have made me better.
~
I don't feel that was "Ben" but it was the embodiment of a great number of fears that has been around in me for some time and never fully formed themselves together in such a way as they did last night. As such is down as one of my worst nightmares to date.

Thankfully I woke up to mom's voice and happy dogs coming to greet me, amazed I was up before 10 (so was I). They soothed me and I smiled. It will still be hard to forget the imagery of the dream. I think it is something to learn from, to remember. I experienced it, know exactly what my worst feels like now...so all I can do is grow, have sympathy for what The Worst feels like, for those that know it beyond their dreams and hope I don't ever feel it beyond my dreams myself.

~~~~~

I think I'll write tomorrow with an update as far as what I've been doing. For now this is enough put down.
Peace.
~Lo