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Hello, I am YFAT or Lo. I have been writing on Journal Scape for eight years now, working on my ninth. How the time flies! This journal chronicles my random thoughts, high moments and sometimes low, throughout high school, college, and now beyond, into the world of "adulthood", whatever that means.
2010-05-11 12:15 PM
"It's Just Emotion Taking Me Over"
Exhaustion is the sound of my bones grinding, the chest rising with the promise of a cough. But it's okay and I'll get through because my spirits are happy and the sky's so blue.
The end of the semester is always tough. As of this moment I have three classes, one presentation, two papers to write, one paper to edit and three finals until I am done.
My body feels the wear and tear and says "Woman, you know you are incapable of having these crazy sleep hours that everyone else does so you just have to deal and face the consequences of life if it doesn't get done." I've been rather unmotivated lately, feeling strange without the mad panic that I accustomed to at the end of the semester that usually leads me to be crying and calling mom in a panic attack. I had an anxiety rush a week or two ago but it hasn't really hit me since then. I guess it's a good thing but in other ways I could use a shot of it to get me moving sooner.
I will make it. I think the sense of calm is a bit of a good thing. It is a huge contrast to where I was a year ago (although it feels like ages).
Instead of crying or being very reclusive in my stress I have the urge to practice the kung fu form from Self-Defense class and center myself in the movement and series of motions for which I am completely comfortable with at last (this is the third time I have learned this form and am at last "getting it").
~~~~~~~~~Moving Up Day~~~~~~~~~
On Monday night we had Moving Up Day, an event where the current senior class makes fun of all the professors in the gym(the real professors are not even allowed to be on campus when this happens). The professor skits are hilarious and they absolutely nailed the History department (which is my major). Some of the skits we couldn't hear but the one memorable one was of the English department when one "professor" kept running around in a southern accent yelling "I wanna make looooove!" and the proceeded to have a duel with the "professor chair" of the department, the Southern Love Maker brandishing a vibrator and the Chair a sword. Of course then the students playing the administration (who is "restructuring", aka cutting positions) came along with light sabers and killed off the professors.
Another element of Moving Up Day is that the seniors all thing "Shit we're never coming- damn we're coming- fuck we're never coming back! Oh we'll come back when..." and the proceed to say something about every person in the dorms. Usually it is embarrassing or sometimes mean. Mine...FOR THE THIRD YEAR RUNNING!!!...was "Oh we'll come back when...Loey stops being a pirate!" I let out a roar of frustration immediately. I specifically requested that the seniors not have mine have to do with pirates this year (because that's what I've been known for since I was a freshman). I mean they could have said something about self-defense or the library. But no. They did it to spite me. -sigh- Forever a pirate. I just accept it now.
The second to last part of the tradition is that all the underclassmen sing a song to the seniors. Usually the songs sound like shit. The freshman sang an altered version of "All the Single Ladies" and something else. The sophmores sang a TERRIBLE altered rendition of Lady Antebellum's "I Just Need You Know" and "Don't Stop Believing." My year, the juniors, was actually impressive: we sang "What Do You Do With a Drunken Senior" (to the tune of Drunken Sailor) and an altered version of the Flintstones theme song. The seniors LOVED IT!...Especially my friend Paul because he and I started writing the Drunken Senior pirate song together so it was great for him to hear us all singing it. Also, neither of these songs sound particularly bad if you are slightly inebriated and they are easy to catch on to. Always an advantage.
And then we come to the really cool parts. The seniors pinned the juniors with a pin that signifies we are now moved up. Usually a senior friend does it and this case my Tall Matt pinned me and we smiled huge at each other.
Then we "circle up", meaning everyone at the event links arms and forms a HUUUUUUUGE circle around the parameter of the room/space (gets harder as our school population grows). I was standing between Tall Matt and my friend Bree. Matt's arms are so long that one arm went across my shoulders and onto Bree's opposite shoulder. I saw this and started laughing and Matt just grinned at me.
So anyhoo we're circled up and we sing "Loyal to the end, we'll sing to the dear old SOPHOMORES!" (freshman class, now promoted) and they all run to the center of the circle, jump up and down and run back. And then we do the same thing to the "JUNIORS!" (this year's sophomores, now moved up) and then we "SENIORS!" and my year all runs in. Then myself and my classmates circle up within the greater circle and we sing The Senior Drinking Song for the first time. This song is intense because basically you shout the lyrics at the top of your lungs while linked arms with your classmates as your legs go back and forth kind of like you are attempting to kick your own ass in rhythm to the song. We also have a moment where we lean in and then out and throw our fists in the air at another point.
It's a god damn good but tiring time and sing/shouting the Senior Drinking song for the first time was a very surreal experience.
After we sing we come back and all of the class of 2010 (our seniors) run in the middle, circle up and sing the Drinking Song as alumni for the first time.
Then everyone rejoins the big circle and we sing our alma mater.
At the end of the event there was a lot of yelling and whoops of joy and "Lets go get drunk now!" I found Sammy and swung her around in a circle as we yelled joyously.
Then I found Tall Matt and gave him a huge hug and shared the kind of overwhelming smile that only exists between two people who are partners and lovers. Beautiful beautiful moment.
Matt left and then I went to attack my really good friends, the class of 2010-ers who have been my crew since the very beginning. Tina, Paul, Lizzy, the Sams, Mary, the whole bunch who pretty much adopted me as their Odd (me being 2011) in my freshman year. We gave each other crushing hugs and took pictures together, all flowing off of the high in the air and the night.
It was just awesome.
Then I went back to my room because my body was dead tired and I had/still do have a long week ahead of me.
It was strange walking around the next day and thinking "I am a senior" and seeing my friends and calling them alumni. It finally hit me that I am losing them, that when I come back next fall they won't be here...and how completely I will miss them. They hold huge pieces of my heart. In some sense I feel more bonded with them than I do my own class year. These are the people I have been with for the past three years, who showed us the ropes. Although 2009 and 2013 are technically my "sister class" 2010 is the class which I have bonded with the most. My friend Laura and I were talking about it, how our classes have bonded due to the uniqueness of our time at school together and the years we share. There's a lot of love there.
It isn't even about Matt graduating. I am losing more than just him. I don't mean to devalue my relationship but I have also been closer with Lizzy and Paul and Tina for a LOT longer and my friend Stacey and just...I mean they're going on to their lives now and I might not see them again for a while after the next two and a half weeks are up. I love them...and even the word love is not enough.
That's what being at a small college does to you...
But I really do love Tall Matt too. It has taken a while to fall completely, a slow slide compared to a steep dive, but it's enchanting. I really do appreciate the slow movement, how we have become closer. It seems each week that goes by I understand us, him, on a new level and the joy embeds itself that much deeper.
My friend Brittanie says it is kind of funny because Matt and I worked in reverse: we had the sexual side before the love side. I'm okay with that. I think it's fine. I mean partly it has been the busy schedule that is the end of the semester that stops the "fun times" but I think there is a greater connection between us, a trust of each other that involves more than just the body, that takes time. It doesn't devalue the experience in any aspect because we were more physically involved before emotionally.
I do feel a difference, being at the level where I am starting to "know" him and can pick up the nuances, tune in to him, understand the deeper meaning behind what might be small actions to others.
I am going to miss him. I really am.
Friday night he an I went a walk (my face hurt from smiling by the end) and watch a movie together (a really terrible 80s Japanese film called S&M Hunter that you HAD to laugh through). Following a bit of post-film distraction -ahem- we dressed and cuddled and it was so just...unbelievably amazing. There was something different in him. He felt softer and his eyes were just shining in this way...it felt as if he was completely there with me, echoing past any borders. I felt gifted to feel it, almost overwhelmed.
I was sitting behind him, arms wrapped around his chest, his head leaning back on my shoulder, my nose and mouth in his hair, his fingers intertwined over mine and we just stayed there talking, remembering and expressing. He turned and kissed me in this way I've never experienced before, with desire and gratitude and the feeling of wanting to hold onto the moment forever. -momentarily tears up while writing- It was...beyond words...because I can't recall ever feeling that way. Ever. It was like the kiss I have always wanted and finally felt and told me so much more than words ever could.
Love is...really nice.
Well now that I've been really emotional I need to go get dinner, run to class and then do work/watch America's Next Top Model.
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