Your Favorite Annoying Teen

Life Marker

alimon89@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Jan 12 15:06:00 UT

I have moved in to the apartment with Matt.

My books fit.

Peace.
~Lo

YFAT Returns

alimon89@gmail.com — Tue, 10 Jan 12 15:48:00 UT

I am a teenager.

Emotional Train Wreck
Dating a Guy My Parents Don't Like
Moving Away from Home
Questioning My Career Path
Pissed Off and Crying Like I'm Going Through Puberty
Learning to Drive
Learning to Cook for Myself
Probably Working at a Fast Food Place Until I Can Find Something Better and in the Mean Time Working My Ass Off to Get It

That's a short description of my life right now.

But wait...I'm in my 20s...

Peace.
~Lo

P.S.
9....I'm going to be 9 in Journal Scape Years this year?! HOLY SHIT!

Free Write

alimon89@gmail.com — Wed, 2 Nov 11 02:09:00 UT

That feeling where you know you are a serious bitch and a forceful control freak
and where you wonder why that is and why you feel the need to be
deciding if you have been rightious or wrong
where you say you won't think anymore
but your thoughts drive you crazy anyway
back and forth
back and forth

is it love?
is it projected ideals?
are you just too afraid of heart break?
of wasted time?
or do you really love and think you are holding on because this is right
because this is love
because this can work

you debate if you are the one to blame
if you have sabotaged yourself
you question if you are bending falsely to please each other
you question if this really is just based on sex
and you are terrified of being with anyone else
terrified to the point of tears and shaking at the thought
because your loyalty and love have run so long that you can't fathom letting go
that you don't want anyone else in all seriousness

You can't let go without breaking
even though a part of you has already broken away
exposing your ugliness
making you hate who you are
question who you are
trying to accept and change who you are

but why change?
why ask someone else to change?
because of love?
is that reasonable?

you want it to work so badly
you still want to see them
it's almost the holidays
you don't fucking care

but you do care
you care a lot
a damn lot
it's why this sucks
you want to be happy
but what is the way to that?
And it's unrealistic to be happy all the time anyway

You need to communicate better
but how can you communicate when you are filling his mouth with words before he says them
and he swallows them
and you don't know what he may regurgitate back up
or maybe it won't come back up
it will just come back out in a slow processed constipated mass which takes three days like the time he was actually constipated because he kept his shit in for you and only let it out when he left and had his own toilet and laxative
and you just thought "that is one of the fucking craziest metaphors I have ever made"
...but maybe it makes sense

ping pong ping pong
like a Forest Gump national championship
your thoughts go back and forth
driving you when you should be driven by other things
when you should just be letting boys be boys
lets face it
this is so high school
just with bills to pay

it will work out
it will work out
and you will be accepting
and you will make mistakes
and even if you find that you are a crazy bitch
and don't use it at the right times
you'll know what to do in the future
you know you will punch yeasty 60 year old douche bags in the face and hope it splatters in the right direction...preferably at George Bush

you will breathe
you will do martial arts
you will love regardless of the outcome and your fear
and no matter what it will be okay

and you will finally fall a fucking sleep now.

Peace.
~Lo

Well I Guess This Is Growing Up

alimon89@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Oct 11 21:28:00 UT

Life feels pretty freaking surreal right now.

Seven weeks ago I started my training for my first post-college job.
A few days after that I moved in with my friend Lala for two weeks.
A month and a week ago I moved into my first apartment.
A month a week ago I started working at my bank branch.
Two weeks ago I was fired.
A week and a half ago I visited Matt in Buffalo.
A week ago I acquired a cold.

And this week? This week I am moving out of my apartment and headed off to Buffalo IN the next week or two.

Holy fuck life. It comes flying at you like a sledge hammer.

I should be packing as I have to be out by this weekend, but honestly, it's a lot to absorb right now. I'm moving again? I'm going to live with Matt after 1 1/3 of a year of long distance? I'm leaving the only area I have ever lived in? I'm an adult now? I'm really having to make career choices? I guess this is growing up.
Insert Blink-182 musical moment.

I'll adapt. I'll get through. I'm thankful I have this support in the first place.
...And October is now song Title Month.

Peace.
~Lo

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

alimon89@gmail.com — Tue, 18 Oct 11 15:34:00 UT

What the fork, is the end of October seriously this close already?

...Yes, yes it is. Time is going so fast!

So, what have I been up to? Applying for jobs like hell and thinking about life and probably sounding slightly pathetic.

Friday was one of those "Oh thanks life..." days again where I woke up with a cold (I blame the guy behind me on the Greyhound) and then all I wanted was a stinkin' cup of fancy coffee...and then I locked myself out of my apartment. Yeah, I left my keys inside when I left. My apartment is upstairs and through two doors. It was raining. My cellphone was dying. My landlord was out of town for the weekend, my parents were on vacation and I didn't have an extra set of keys.
Thankfully my brother Rob's girlfriend Fawn came and picked me up...but then as we are headed home her car randomly breaks down in an intersection...and HER cellphone is dying too. Fawn and I were like "Uh...what do we do?" We're in the freaking turning lane of course so it was like "Step out dah car and potentially get hit!" She calls her dad and he calls a tow truck friend and meanwhile I'm contemplating dodging traffic and going around the corner to the fire department. That is when a cop pulls up behind us, chats with Fawn and then PUSHES HER CAR in the RAIN into a parking lot nearby. Very nice cop!

So we wait for Fawn's dad and he takes us back to my parent's house where I spent the next days in my same clothes (not that bad as long as you shower) and cuddling the dogs, who were quite happy to see me. My room was empty but for a large mattress leaning against the wall, so I laid that down and slept on it...only to be promptly dog piled in the morning. Literally. Bizzy slept with me on Friday night anyway as she glues herself to me whenever I go home as it is. But in the morning Angus nudged the door open and said "Oooh! Loey! Mattress!" -snuffle face- -get on mattress- Then Konnor came in and was all "Yo, what's going on down there-oooh! Are we puppy piling? Oh hi, Loey! Oh, is that your stomach I just stepped on? It was squishy! Oh that's a leg. Yay! Cuddling! FACE!"
I love happy dogs in the morning.

It was pretty funny too because Fawn had bought a puzzle to keep herself occupied while house sitting for my parents and she saw me looking at it and KNEW I was already mentally figuring it out. "Oh man, I can see your brain working. Please don't finish my puzzle!" So I worked on the hard half while she did the easy part, all the while being tortured as she searched for pieces that I had zeroed in on at a glance. I had to forcefully contain myself.
Thankfully Foodnetwork and my urge to bake are very distracting.

I'm back at my place today and the mad job hunt is on. I'm applying just about anywhere and remembering why I hate the job application process so much. But it needs to be done.
My short term plan is sit out my lease and make it in my apartment until December. All the while I'm going to attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life. Hopefully I'll have a plan of attack by then.
I applied to substitute teach and hopefully that will help me figure out if it's something I want to do. I'm thinking that getting my certification might be good to do anyway. If I become certified in New York State it pretty much means I can teach anywhere. I just need to decide what I want to specify in. I could do history or special education. I'm also thinking about health education as that is pretty important to me. But if I teach history, or teach in the education system at all I really want to know WHY I am doing it and what I think education is beneficial for. I need to believe in the system before I work for it. If I don't then why am I teaching? What am I really giving to students? Torture? False hope?

Another avenue I'm looking at is taking the civil service exam. That is a good thing to have under my belt at least. And if I end up as part of government then maybe I can help to fix it. I'm starting to pay more attention to local politics as they DO influence what is happening to ME. I can use my power as a voter and as a worker.

I think what's happening is that I realize I don't want to just be someone's agent, just a drone. I want to make things happen. In college I was trained to ask questions and create my own answers, to be a leader and to be myself even more fearlessly than before. I look at bigger pictures and I connect things by examining details.
I want to put my skills to use. The reason I'll settle for a shit job if need be is so that I can work for a larger purpose on the side.

What do I want to do with my life? I'm not certain. I don't have a definitive road plan because experience has taught me there isn't one. But I do have a vague idea of where I want to go.
I'm a reasonably adaptable and passionate person and I think that will take me somewhere...I just need to decide the current I want to follow. Already I feel like I have more direction and that I'm trying at least. I know what doesn't work and ultimately that will guide me closer to what does.
I think I have a lot of strengths, it's just figuring out how to best use them.
I don't like being indecisive and I trying to force myself not to be right now.

So I'll do it. I'll rock this thing out. I'll try damn hard to not be pulled into the cynical and depressing (so freaking hard this past week) and I'll live and be thankful. I can be grateful for dogs that love me, that my acne seems to finally be going away, that for now I'm making it, that the weather has been nice, that I have AMAZING friends and people who care about me, that I have love and support.

With that, I end.
Peace.
~Lo

Closing Time, Open All the Doors and Let You Out Into the World

alimon89@gmail.com — Fri, 7 Oct 11 13:03:00 UT

What I Want In a Job

-A place where I can ask questions that will improve the system
-A place where people communicate UP FRONT WITH YOU no matter what it is.
-A place where I can be creative
-A job where I don't have to interact with computers as much
-A job where I focus on being passionate

I think my goal is to work for a legitmate non-profit. At this point I WILL volunteer, as long as the agency is amazing and I feel right doing it can find another job to support me in the mean time.

If you don't get the underlying message of this post so far it's this: I was fired today because I suck at being a bank teller. I am highly emotional and yet I expected it.
I'm just pissed that they didn't tell me what to work on as opposed to just letting me flounder with the guilty conscious of what I was doing bad. It really helps to hear it from an outside source and specifics as opposed to just attempting to read everyone and feeling more miserable for it.

Fuck it. I'll be okay.

But really, communication will be a high number on my list from now on.

Farewell banking. Hello world before me.
Time to research.

Peace.
~Lo

Overdue Update

alimon89@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Sep 11 19:09:00 UT

Hello Journal Scape,
It's been a while and a lot has been happening in the past month.

What exactly?
I lived with my friend Lala for a week and a half while I was in training and mastered her city's public transportation system, falling in love in time to moved back to my home town...
...and into my own apartment. I spent a few days at my parent's before signing a lease on a place. So currently I am living on my own.

It seems so short in those few sentences but this month feels as though ages have passed, and in some sense they have. I feel bad for not marking it, but I am now working on my 9th year with JournalScape with this entry. I have been terribly negligent but also terribly busy.

Today has been my first real day where I have felt like I have really been able to "settle" between working full time last week and having Matt at my place this past weekend. Mom visited and took me to do my laundry and grab Mexican (I had Huevos con Chorizo and six hours later I'm still full). She misses me and is pretty scared about me, her little girl, living on my own. But I'll make it. Somehow.
Matt and I stopped in at "home" a few times this weekend and the dogs went pretty crazy to see us. Bizzy practically turned herself inside out to see both of us: "LOOOEEEYYY! OH YOU BROUGHT MATT TOO!!!" Angus and Auggie were spastic as ever, both being very people oriented dogs. What surprised me was Konnor's joy. I refer to him as the Cranky Old Man most days but he was so happy to see me that he didn't care about Auggie or Angus for once. The pack was quite caught up in being reunited with me. It's always the hard part of leaving home- I miss my dogs and I think they equally miss me.

But in spite of the hard times, I think my family "pack" is doing okay. It's good to realize that there is a fragile peace for everyone right now, always a miracle in a family as big as mine.

Bllllarrrgh....must keep focused...
So, I am done with my training and am officially on the teller at my branch for the predictable future. I am under my "90 days" which is basically the trial period wherein I am supervised and still learning.
However, my bank is in a state of CRAZY right now! We are converting to a new core system that goes live November 1st. I have not started to learn the new one yet because I am still getting the hang of the old one which they will be using until October 31st. Everyone else in the mean time is going to training for the new core operating system and kind of scaring me how wacked out the new system can be...I hope hope hope I can adapt.
The good thing is that for the most part I am understanding Check 21, the new digital proofing check system we started using last week, provided that things run smoothly. Sometimes I have hiccups but for the most part I am understanding the checks thing.

The challenge of a teller job is that you have to be both customer service and a data entrant. As I relax into my duties the customer service is coming but it can be nerve wracking- I'm handling people's money here. I need to improve my counting skills since with large quantities of cash I have a hard time keeping track. You would be amazed at how easy you do get used to handling the money though. I'm sure it will be easier with time and I am ABSORBING it, it just takes time.

Once I am done with my current batch of books I plan on borrowing some intro to economics books so I can have a better perspective of how the economy works in general as well as how banks work in to the equation. I thought about taking an econ class in college but by the time my senior year came around I wanted an easier year and the courses didn't fit into my schedule.

So, speaking of books, my library longing has been taken care of. I walk to the library nearly everyday (well partially because I didn't have internet access in my place until today) and have about five books out right now, most of them non-fiction. I am reading Mary Roach's "Stiff" and it is amazing. I can barely put it down!
I seem to have a medical fixation as far as reading goes, since this is the third or fourth I have borrowed in the genre. I read "Putting Makeup on Dead People", a YA read about a normal girl who wants to go to mortuary school, "White Coat Black Hat" about the pharamceutical industry as a business and now "Stiff." It's making me want to dive back into my anatomy books. Physiology is quite interesting as is the medical world as a business.

Man, I can become interested in anything. But I think I am transitioning between fixations right now. For the past year or two my primary fixation has been BDSM/kink (yes family members who didn't know, I just TMIed the fuck out of you) and now that it's just part of who I am instead of a brand new discovery, I am getting back to other interests. I think it's that I'm also free of academia, so instead of attacking multiple classes I can just cruise on a few select interests instead, similar to what I did when home schooling. It's a nice feeling.

Relationship update...hm...um...I love Matt but we are both in a strange place right now.
I'm getting impatient and things haven't exactly flowed to "plan"...because whoa shit wow, Matt still hadn't had a job until just AFTER I graduated and then since he is technically temp and I'm not particularly fond of his landlord I wasn't gun ho for Buffalo. I'm too independent to be content being there job hunting and then I got a damn nice part time one here in my home town first. But that's what happens in life. The tables turn.
I'm having a bit of angst too because shit did he get it made going out to Buffalo. Pays nothing in rent, full time job, fully equipped apartment, nothing to do to his car but gas and upkeep. I was glad for him but now that I am doing it on my own my brain has started regularly shouting "SUCK MY NUT!". And then he has the BALLS to critique my place in little ways when he is here? No. Fuck no. Yes, lets pause for a moment and think about the realities of rent, gas, electric, internet, and food and being completely responsible for yourself. It's scary. I've been feeling it. But it feels good to be doing it. Add that to Matt's brain and then add car payment and insurance that he hasn't had to pay and loans and OH MY GOD! LIFE IS SCARY!
Well yes, mother heifer, it is. Grrr! ANGST ANGST ANGST!

Fuck money! Yes! I said it! Take your dollar bills and your pocket change and GET NASTY WITH IT! UH! YEAH! (But you might want to sterilize it first, fyi.)
No, but now I mean "fuck money" in the angry way in which I intentionally wrote that before becoming ridiculous.

But also, do something sadistic and evil to people who could be interesting but are unfortunately boring as hell...because we know they can use the excitement.

...Alright. I love him. I love him. I'm just having one of those moments when I totally don't. It's healthy, right?
m
But I am glad for this coming weekend as I'm pretty sure I'm headed back to my college for an impromptu alumnae meeting. I've been quite ignorant of Wells happenings in the past month so suddenly it's like "Wait? Odd/Even happened? Evens won? Someone got tackled at the game? It's nearly October? HOLY BOB!" I will be glad to see my classmates though, as well as my nestlings in flight (me=suddenly realizing how many people I have "adopted" from Wells). Should be a good time! :-)

Anyhoo...I really should go make dinner...you know...at 9:30 at night. I can sleep in tomorrow. It's cool.

Peace!
~Lo

Employment Acquired

alimon89@gmail.com — Wed, 24 Aug 11 18:38:00 UT

After concentrating and thinking about the job for over two and a half weeks and wanting it with every fiber of my being....I have gained employment.

My first post-college job will be that of a bank teller...at a really awesome bank mind you. They called and offered me the job today and I was really happy, in fact so happy that I sang in the shower which I haven't done in a loooong time.

I am thrilled and nervous and at the same time going "Oh shit, now I'm really going to be an adult." My brain automatically started thinking about my budget, if I make less-enough to have insurance, how to go about transportation, living expenses, taxes, and how suited my wardrobe is to Bank Teller Fashion to name a few.

It is strange and exciting all at once. I hope I do well. I hope that my positive energy carries, that I can be as enthusiastic and great as I was at my college job the past four years.

Here comes the non-academic life!

Speaking of academics, I don't miss my college. A lot of people from my class year have statuses on Facebook missing Wells and envying those that are still there. I am not one of them. I was completely ready to move on (aside from random library withdrawals and lack of independence) and I am glad I am not returning. It is weird seeing former underclassmen's pictures sitting at the senior table ("Don't they need permission?") or thinking of Odd/Even without happening without my year's foghorn loud voices. But Wells will carry on. I have great friendships which I plan on keeping for as long as possible and I did learn things that I will carry with me and use for the rest of my life. I just don't need to go back. Some things are tempting and I might make it up for the faculty theatre production just because it sounds awesome, but otherwise I'm okay.

In other news I am enjoying reconnecting with my friends. I can't even say how happy I am to be hanging out with Lala again. She's been a gift, being a person I can always laugh with and who is supportive, strong and a person I look up to.

I've been sure to keep up with my Wellsians too. I have gotten into writing letters. They are such a rarity of communication because hey, just use Facebook, but it's nice to send something to hold onto, and that one day might even make it into an archive. I sent my roommate Sammy a letter encouraging her as she starts grad school and admiring her for her accomplishments.
Matt and I are in the habit of writing to each other often lately even though we do talk on the phone or e-mail in regularity as well. I just sent him a letter with a threat on the envelope saying that if anyone but him opened the letter they would be attacked by zombies and chihuahuas.
There are some things that can be expressed in the hand written word which cannot be seen or felt otherwise.

Well, here's to positive energy and a new mental year and life in the making.
Peace.
~Lo

Booya to your grandma! (What the hell? I haven't said that since I was 14.)

alimon89@gmail.com — Thu, 11 Aug 11 14:43:00 UT

GAAAAAH!!!! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!

I have TWO interviews next week, both of which I REALLY want and both of which I could feasibly have.

I've already had the first interview for a part-time teller position at a bank...but this an AWESOME bank and has a great community and is a position I feel I would do well in. I really liked the woman that interviewed me and she liked me enough to send me on to the second round.

The other is a night supervisor shift at Cornell's Olin library, again part time but something I could do.

I really want both of these jobs. I feel I can DO both of the jobs.

Positive energy is just EVERYWHERE around me. SO HAPPY!!!

And you know what? I feel damn good. Since graduating these will be my third and fourth interviews, which I would say is pretty stellar.
I've had my slumps but now I am looking up and I am THRILLED!!!! GAHH!!!!

Life can be crazy and it always is in my house but right now it feels GOOD!
I feel like there is the strong potential for me to be living on my own soon, which would be awesome.
So happy so happy so happy!

And tomorrow I get to see my man and we will have a good weekend together!

Ah! So happy!

Just thought I'd share. :-D
~Lo

Layers of Love

alimon89@gmail.com — Thu, 21 Jul 11 23:45:00 UT

Am I really that different since I was 14?

It's weird how things come full circle sometimes.

I spoke with Johnny tonight, The Johnny, if any of you JSers were around when I first started on here (all it's private now) who was my "first love." I saw him briefly in town today and then we Facebook friended each other and talked for a bit just now. Seeing me brought back a lot of memories for him and thus allows me to look at a past self through him. It's funny how 6 or 7 years go by.

I said it years ago and know it still but he is still a person I will always love, not romantically, but as family, as a friend. We were there to show the deepest parts of each others' pain and made it out with a connection.

I think what's up with John, after talking to him tonight, is that...in some way I think he might still be "in love" with me, at least with my family and the memories. He's always been one for reminiscing and I can understand that seeing the life he's had.

We talked for a moment about the last time we met and I was honest about it- he was interested in someone else and I wasn't really banking on him anyway. John attempted to act apologetic, like he regretted, but I don't. It was that meeting that permanently set him into the friend category for me, and I was happy because I had been in love with him throughout high school even when I was with other people.
I was able to shed the weight of that more insistent romantic love after that meeting. I can say it honestly and I don't regret the loss because it was good to move on emotionally.

According to Johnny I am much more self-assured now, less shy, not as awkward now, which is interesting because I think of 14/15 year old me and thought I was pretty strong. Occasionally I miss who I was in high school...but I did come into my own in college, especially in the past year and a half.
(I didn't want to openly admit it to Johnny, but Matt has been a part of that for me as he's finally been a person who I could lean on and trust while still standing on my own. I have balance for all the small errors we have. I've been able to put things in better perspective because I have support instead of baggage. It's been nice. I don't attribute it all to Matt but he has been a good part of my happiness. I think I feel somewhat private with the love I have for Matt. Sometimes it seems I don't like him as much, that I just complain...but I love him on a level that's hard to be as visible, because it's like a heartbeat or my blood, or a part of me where the words can't follow.)
For some reason I feel awkward about talking much about Matt with John, at least right now. There are different layers and moments of love and I don't really feel like explaining these ones yet.

I'm just hoping that if I see John again I can emphasize that I am only interested in friendship. It would be easy to go further- John said it and I agreed, but I don't want to. I like friendship. I like having our minds meld and swirl but I don't want more and I know this without a doubt. I am enjoying where I am.

I think I'm at a phase in my life where, yes I am jobless, carless, living with my parents, but yet at the same time I am comfortable with me. I may not be content with my current standing or all the choices I've made, but emotionally I am very whole, which is a nice feeling. I sometimes wonder if I've lost myself but I think I'm just about to discover a new aspect of who I am. Talking with John made me realize that, that I've changed for the better. I am self-assured, not as shy, more relaxed, no bullshit taking.

Wells did make me a better person. It gave me confidence of a kind. Yes, I'm unhappy with certain things but I have what I need to land on my feet somewhere.

(Commence A.D.D. Portion)
Now I'm just becoming a babbling, sweaty, tired person trying to arrange a cohesive journal entry. I like big words. So many thoughts per sentence.

So yes, past, present, and layers of love are all in my brain right now. They'll straighten out and work.
I gets to see my Matt tomorrow (er today, it's 12:43AM).

Skeletons are so FREAKING COOL: protect your lungs and your brains most- leave those squishy digestive system and reproductive parts open and let the muscles just cling to everything else. It's this way in most mammals and it is such a fucking cool design of nature that it's like amazing the crap out of me every time I think about it. I mean, it's just awesome. FEET are awesome! Look at what they hold up!
Okay, I'm stopping now.

Peace.
~Lo

70s Wallpaper

alimon89@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Jun 11 18:28:00 UT

I am home for the predictable future. After nearly 40+ hours in a car in the past two weeks I am home.

Matt is all moved into his apartment now. He was a very thankful for my presence in the process, keeping him company on the road and then moving in. We had a lot of sorting to do, as the place was previously lived in by a family friend's uncle and had not actually been cleaned out. It is a killer deal in that Matt's landlord in charging him...well...almost nothing, and it comes fully furnished. BUT there is a lot of cosmetic work to do and belongs to nudge off to storage (or a thrift store). Saturday was spent organizing the kitchen and bedroom, which I attacked with ferocity.

Sunday I used my inherited skills of furniture rearrangement and helped Matt to make his living make sense. It looked about five million times better and suddenly the wall paper, which had been a glaring pin-striped beige-brown cracked atrocity, didn't see QUITE as bad. Yes, the 70s puke green carpet and the brown Lazy Boy chairs were still...well...what they were, but now it is livable, a place that doesn't make your sense of aesthetics want to have a hysterical meltdown of disgust. Take the ornamental plates off the wall, place every framed Catholic-Jesus-Was-So-A-Hippie-Looking-European into a box, and remove the long past-Christmas-decorations and suddenly the place has much more potential.
Overall I am looking forward to seeing the progress Matt makes on it. Maybe I'll end up lending a helping hand with it myself a few weekends.

Anyhoo, backtracking in time slightly...
Richmond, Indiana is quite a nice town. Seeing it again gave me a MUCH better feel for the place. Mind you this time I was the only guest in the house and summer was in bloom too. I developed a greater sense of the town, that Richmond is the place Matt grew up, rather than just some distant, midwestern dimension that Matt isn't particularly fond of. I could actually see myself genuinely liking it...aside from Raper's Rent to Own. "Oh you want to rent a couch. Ooh, I don't see a sexual violation on your record. Sorry." I will NEVER get over that. What the fork, Indiana? What. The. Fork?
Interesting experience of note: When walking along National Road with Matt one even a passing car yelled "ARE YOU WALKING OR WORKING?" It took me a minute to figure it out...And then, Ahh yes. Right. I have an ass. And given that I have an ass it moves when I walk. And when I walk with long, leisurely, ground eating, strides, my ass moves up and down. Right. And that can be distracting. And it also implies I MUST be a prostitute walking with my latest costumer.
I don't know any prostitutes but I assume they typically don't go cruising with sweaters wrapped around their waists next to religious schools. So to the dear man who has never seen a real butt outside of the midwestern flatlands: go fuck yourself, you couldn't afford (or handle) me.
Jeeze.

And now jumping back to present day!!!

I'm on the job hunt.
My room is a hell hole that must be tamed tonight...after I bake cookies.
Job applications take forever no matter how many times you do them. Wal-Mart is among the worst- I said fuck it and gave up.
It is nice to sleep in my bed without much worry.
I drove for the first time since last summer yesterday and it wasn't that bad. Scared my mom a few times but otherwise made it to and through town, out to Wal-Mart and back home safely. I have a lot of learning to do but I am much more confident in my abilities. Hopefully by the end of summer I will have my license, at the age of 22. I just need lots of practice. Anyone want to lend me their car?
Hopefully I will hear a yay or nay from Plimoth by the end of the week, as thus far still no word. If there is nothing by Friday then I'll say I've been passed over.

Well, that's the news for now.
Peace.
~Lo

June Know What?

alimon89@gmail.com — Thu, 16 Jun 11 09:43:00 UT

Er...holy crap...it's been a while since I've written. Is it already the 16th of June?
Time has been flying.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I had a pretty nasty cold the week after graduation which this week I am finally pronouncing myself free from. The following week I was informed that I had an interview in Plymouth, Massachusetts to work at their living history plantation. Matt came with us and had an interview himself. We drove out on the morning of Thursday the 9th to make it to my interview by 3pm. While I was in my interview Matt had a call from a place in Buffalo where he had interviewed the last week with a job offer. I was pretty ecstatic for him, as while yes, the job is only 6 months technically (there is a chance for extension or further work with the company) it is the first offer he has had since he started job hunting a year ago.

After Matt had his Plymouth interview on Friday the 10th, mom, dad, Matt and I headed up to Vermont since it was about a four hour drive and would be a nice stop. Vermont was a nice visit and Matt and I were both really happy to be there despite the fact that it rained most the day we were there. We still managed to get in a decent walk in the hills though. There is something about Vermont that just feels like home. It was also good to see Matt's grandmother, Beppy, and parents again. Matt's parents had their black lab Sadie with them and she practically wigged out when she saw Matt and I emerge from the suburban and then my mom and dad, who she immediately identified as dog people and proceeded to latch on to.
I was glad with how the Vermont visit went. As suspected, mom loved the house and talking to Matt's grandmother. Dad enjoyed it too as he and Beppy had a very similar humor style. I think it was just good for Matt and I's parents to see each other a little more, as at most they've spent a handful of hours together.

Sunday we rolled back to New York bright and early. By the time we arrived at 3pm we had all spent about 18 hours in a car together. Then Matt and I were slated for another drive on Monday the 13th so he could set up some things for his job in Buffalo. He has a cheap apartment owned by a family friend pretty much ready and waiting for him. After Buffalo we drove on to Richmond, Indiana so that Matt could start packing.
Total logged hours in a car in five days: 29.

So that's where I am currently, in Richmond with Matt. I'm here partially because I am greedy for time with Matt and also to waste some time while I wait to hear back from Plymouth (which will likely be Monday at soonest). On Saturday night Matt and I are headed back to Buffalo and I'll be home sometime on Sunday. Total hours logged in a car by then: 39.

So far the month is flying by fast.

Once I get home I'll have a lot of thinking and organizing to do. A lot of things are in flux for me. I am not as cynical feeling as I was in my last entry but there are a great number of things in question for me right now.

Anyhoo, that's the quick and dirty of the past two week plus.

Peace.
~Lo

Officially a Graduate....Yay?

alimon89@gmail.com — Tue, 31 May 11 20:16:00 UT

Post graduation...not exactly the happiest time in my life.

Being the cynic that I am I am starting by applying for basic shitty minimum wage jobs. I need to start somewhere because everything else requires well...experience I don't have. I am surprised at the length of the applications for grocery stores and Wal-Mart even. They are FULL of loaded questions and take up an hour to two hours of your life.
The internet is full of job search websites but they are not the most reliable things in the world. I think I'm going to have to get creative in my hunt for work and think about who I know.

I'm trying to stay positive but four days out from graduation and it feels more like a death sentence more than it does a better opportunity. I was just let go from my community of four years and have monthly payments looming ahead in six months. I don't feel positive about my degree at all right now. That's the truth.

It will work out...I hope...I feel like I should have worked last summer but it would have only been for two months as is since I headed to Vermont in August.

I think wherever I end up I won't get stuck at the bottom. I have an ambitious personality that refuses to let things stay as is. I am a perfectionist and I like to be in power.

My goals for work are general at the moment:
-work preferably for a non-for-profit
-be able to use public transportation to get there,
-work at least part time or full time
-live off minimum wage or better

Ugh. I need to need to need to keep my head up but I already feel lost.

Matt left yesterday (sooner than anticipated) for an interview in his hometown which ended up in an offer of part time work but not much more. He'll be back up for an interview in Buffalo but if that doesn't take and the part-time does he'll be back in Richmond. This stresses me out to a certain extent because it means yet again we are likely to be on another couple months stretch apart. The time apart is now becoming greater than the time we've spent together. It's on both of our minds. It sucks. I need to just let it be but it's hard.

-couple hours later-
I need to get to a library.
No seriously.
I need to study history, to use my knowledge and innovate and think. I need to think about non-Western forms and compare processes...the answers to the future can be found in the past. There HAS to be a way. It's not like the lessons can't be translated.
I'm damn good at seeing a big picture, including connecting things to the present as well. I just need to dig. I need to invent some way to market myself as a historian or use history to create something new (or old) and have inspiration.
WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?!?!!!
I can do this. I WILL do this. I will not get stuck. I have a brain that buzzes like crazy. I'm a fucking graduate of Wells College and I will question the fuck out of everything until I HAVE MY ANSWER!!!! BWHAHAHA!!! No, seriously, job world you have no idea what you're dealing with. I am fierce.
...Not being within walking distance of a library is going to kill me. I am having withdrawls right now.
I have a feeling I will be going off to SUNY Cortland's this summer.

Fuck, I can use my college degree. WHAT IS YOUR THESIS STATEMENT?! HERE IS MY EVIDENCE! IN THE SOCIOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE!!! IN THE HISTORICAL BACKING!!! FROM CHINA! IN FORKING 200 BCE BITCHES!!!

I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TORTILLA CHIPS AND PEPSI FOR DINNER!
Still, this is amusing.

Alright. So I have graduated and I have a lot to think about and I am free from academia yet not because my brain is forever tainted for better or worse. And I've said goodbye to a lot of people without ever saying the words. And I've had a cold for the past three days but my immune system is trying to give it an ass whooping. And I miss people.
And I am going to stop now before I completely recess to sounding like I am 14 again (dude that was like...eight years ago...Okay "old people" I heard that thought and I know it was longer for you but yeah...oh hell, there goes maturity...PENIS! TEEHEE).

I will try to make a more coherent blog in the next few days. But if you wanted that there are only 8 bajillion of them out there.
Peace.
~Lo

Academic Obligations are Over

alimon89@gmail.com — Fri, 20 May 11 19:44:00 UT

You know, all this goodbye stuff feels rather strange.

I am done with college, at least academically. I turned in my last paper yesterday. I wasn't particularly proud of it, nor the one I turned in the day before, but it's done.

-Oh my goodness. Can I please just have a moment of complete laughter? My American history professor gave me an A- AGAIN despite the fact that I turned in a B- minus paper worth 20% of my grade. This is hilarious. He just can't give me a real B. He likes me too much. Oh, that is so funny for me. Maybe my killer participation and strong opinions saved me, because I totally checked out on that paper.
I am so incredibly amused right now. I'm doing better this semester than I thought.

Since I'm on the subject of grades, my Art History professor gave me an A+. This was highly amusing to me as well when I saw it earlier today. I know I did well in the class but I did not do that well. His final was hard (I'm pretty sure I missed every date that was asked) and I didn't think I was particularly brilliant with the paper since the first grade he gave me on it was a B-. Again, I have another case of the professor liking me and therefore giving me a higher grade than I actually earned. Mind you, I enjoyed that class and the professor; I had a great field trip with him and another student earlier in the month that up-ed his coolness by about 500 points.
But...come on...

Not that this whole higher-grade-because-I'm-liked thing is foreign to me. When I think about it it's happened a few times now.
Sometimes I absolutely loathe it. MAKE ME WORK FOR IT BITCHES! I WANT TO SWEAT, BLEED AND CRY!
Not really though. I've enjoyed keeping my sanity. :-) But I do appreciate a challenge.

Actually, the professor who did challenge me was my theatre professor. Acting was harder than I thought it would be. I stayed strong in the class with my writing skills and willingness to try but...I'm not an actor. My last performance went alright but I don't think I'll try the stage itself again for a while. But I feel like I earned my grade there.

The only thing I am waiting on is my Soc grade, but that should be pretty solid too. It was a very engaging class that I learned a lot from. Sociology has a wonderful way of changing my perceptions and really thinking about the world in ways I hadn't before.

~~~~~~

...Experiences...

This goodbye business feels quite unreal. It hasn't really hit me yet. I see people packing up and leaving and I say my farewells without the honest realization that I might not see them again ever. I hope I do but you never know where roads will go.
For the most part I have simply refused to be emotional. I have been ready for this experience to end after all, to get into the world and begin living "life." But I will miss the people.

The times I almost lost it was seeing my American history professor walk out of his classroom for the last time. I have taken five courses with this man and he really re-inspired my interest in history. He allowed me to go deeper and remember why I chose my major: because I love it. History is not concrete and it can be interpreted many different ways. It isn't just the past- it is part of the now.
I'll miss him. We had a respectful distance from one another, a balanced professionalism that I liked about us. -Not. Getting. Emotional.-

I almost lost it today when I had to say goodbye to Elsie, the Best Librarian on the Planet who I have worked with for four years. She is always smiling, always interested to know you are well. She is a sweetheart and has been here on the nearer side of fifty years. She won't be here for graduation since she is flying off to see her son's movie premiere in LA, so we were both JUST holding it together when she left work this afternoon.

It's such a weird time. It feels like a dream.

All the same I am having happy moments.
Last Thursday I got to see Matt after four months apart. We had a really nice time together for the four days he was here. I was really happy to be able to cuddle with him, to hug, to be walk with him, to be just utter goof balls. He was as equally huggy as I was. It was so good to be able to lay next each other without hurry or interruption.
At the same time I made Matt socialize. We hung out with some friends at their lake house, went to a good concert, and watched me get very drunk very quickly. (Drink racing=a bad habit of mine but thankfully I became a hysterically happy drunk...except when I found out the handicapped door was locked "That's fucking bullshit. God damn college! They're already handicapped inaccessible as it is...Fucking shit!" and I was just quietly herded away).

Monday morning rolled around and my alarm went off at 6:15am to get Matt on the road. He just kind of rolled over and held onto me like "Nooo!" and continued to sleep and cuddle for another 45 minutes. It was so insanely adorable.

I really really love that man. Being in his presence completely relaxed me for the first time all semester. I felt really content and was then very focused after he left.
And then I get to see him AGAIN next week! I'm not sure how long but at this point I am quite happy with the four days I was able to see him.
-Not. Getting. Emotional.-

~~~~~

So yeah, now I just have Senior Week between me and graduation. It should be a nice time but Monday I am opting out of the events in order to continue working in the archives. This past week I haven't really done much with my collection since I've been occupied with papers. I plan on making up some hours next week and at least get the collection mostly ready to be finished. I doubt it will happen before I leave since it is about 7 seven boxes and 140+ folders big. That's a lot of labels and a good amount of sub series.

One week...in about one week I will have my degree...AND LOANS TO PAY!!! Bwhahaha!
Yup, job hunting time.

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to go do some pleasure reading now.

Peace.
~Lo
The Almost-Graduate

Endings

alimon89@gmail.com — Wed, 11 May 11 17:06:00 UT

I just had my last class ever with Kevin and Jake, who by all accounts are the instructors that I have been with longest at Wells at 2 and a half academic years together. It's bitter sweet. I wasn't particularly close with them as I tend to keep a respectful distance from my instructors, but I grew a lot. I was able to explore the martial arts and realize how much I love it for all the ups and downs it puts me through.
I think that my biggest challenge in the class was myself...and dealing with other people whom I had contempt for because of their lack of respect.
I can push myself harder physically and still be okay. It is good for my mind and body, as long as I know when I hit limits.

I learned a lot about my body and mind with my instructors and I am thankful for that. As many moments as I hated them I think I came to greater peace this semester (mainly because I was in the right class finally). Kickboxing worked me hard with people that were willing to do the same and take it seriously. That was a better environment and I was happier for it.

I want to keep up with the martial arts after college. It's something I am passionate about. It makes me happy physically and mentally and reminds of the intimate line of mind and body. It lets me be aggressive in a controlled environment, to trust people and learn, to be in the moment and in the body. I may have had my last class tonight but it isn't the end of my journey.

I wrote Jake and Kevin a letter of thanks outside of the class evaluation form. I do appreciate them.

~~~~~

I had my last history class yesterday. I only got teary when my professor left the room and I realized it was the last time I would see him LEAVE that specific room where I have always had class with him. I wrote him a letter in the class evaluation, thanking him for challenging me and re-inspiring me to love history.

It was also weird because it was my last class with Doug, an older student who I have become close with this year. I have been his mentor and encourager and we have both commiserated over our assignments together or laughed our asses off together. Particularly memorable was last week when Doug was in hysterics after looking at a funny list of high schooler's analogies online during tea time. He was laughing so hard that the other two students and I started laughing at him laughing and the momentum just builds. Then our professor walks in and that's when I start snorting and the next thing WE ARE ALL HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING! It was freakin' great! It took us a whole two minutes to calm down back to normal.

Doug and I have promised to have a drink before I graduate. I told him he can message me or Skype me if he needs a pep talk next year. I'm going to miss him.
I will also miss Doug's partner, who is a really great sociology professor. His classes have been SUPER interesting and engaging and you can tell he loves every moment of his work.

~~~~~

-sigh- It's such a weird time right now.

I have my last art history class and my last theatre class tomorrow. I am not mopey about either of those. My art history professor is awesome and if I had taken his class earlier I'd probably be lamenting more but...I'll be done. Theatre, well, I've had an acting stint and realize I probably won't be acting again. I want to be involved with local theatre but not on stage. Being an actor is very challenging in ways I didn't expect. I have much greater respect for it but I'll stick to using my writing skills or staying backstage or just watching plays.

...And on a VERY HAPPY note:
I GET TO SEE MATT TOMORROW!!!!
It will be four months to the day since I last saw him. I get to see him earlier than expected since he came to New York to hit up some job fairs. Then I get to see him again in two weeks for graduation! I'm so happy!
Art history is going to be torturous since Matt will be here when I get out. He's coming to my seminar with me to surprise my (and his former) theatre professor and watch the class do their scenes. No, that's not more nerve wrecking at all...
After class I'm anticipating a walk, dinner and a nice night together. I'm glad that I get to wake up for my last day of classes next to him. :-) I'll have for about three days but I am content knowing I'll get to see him again soon after (and I'll be busy as forktards anyway).

Despite the fact that I KNOW I will see Matt tomorrow it hasn't completely registered yet. I don't feel a buzzing anticipation that I thought I would feel, perhaps because there is so much else taking up my thoughts at the same time. My college tends to shove a pumpkin in a tuna-fish can as far events at the end of the semester go. Just a bit crazy.

I have two papers to write and an exam to study for next week but I am not stressing. I am relaxing and enjoying life. Grades are not the end of the world. I will survive. I will graduate. I will finish my internship (but probably not the 6 and a half box collection I am working on unless I haul ass).

I am glad that the weather has FINALLY DECIDED ON SPRING! The last few days have been BEAUTIFUL! I forgot how much I missed the spring. :-)

Anyhoo, time for me to get some work done still and enjoy my last days. 17 days until graduation!!!

Peace.
~Lo