Your Favorite Annoying Teen

Hello Adulthood

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 09:05:00 GMT

How I'm an Adult Now

-I cook all the time.
It's become a pretty natural thing at this point. I'd say I cook 5/7 days of the week and I've become pretty good at it. As long as I have all my ingredients set before I start my time management is solid and my flavors come out good. It's strange because I never really cooked until the past year or so but I do it all the time now because 1) it's economical 2) I've gotten to the point where I know I can certain dishes better than a restaurant can. This also narrows my restaurant choices to a- fancy, or b- foreign food with spice combos and preps I cannot even fathom trying myself.
Mind you, I'm still a complete lazy ass if I have to make food for JUST myself. I'm much more motivated to cook for others and try new things.

-I clean on a more regular basis.
I'm not as hyper as I was about cleaning when I first moved out here, but some form of neatness and order is important to me in my own space. Most of my life I've been a slob but in college that began evolving.

-Decor matters to me more than it did before.
It really fucking annoys me that I still can't find the right shade of fucking orange for curtains in our living room. Color, fabric, and design are important. If it's where I'm hanging out and relaxing at the end of the day, it needs to feel like "us" and welcoming. I'm also really happy that the kitchen is complete and the only things that would be great to change in there are things the landlord has control over (like the fucking ugly counter top and the floor).

-I get excited at the idea of being able to pay extra on my bills.
I'll be doing a bit better economically speaking starting in May, so I can start to pay more on my loans and punch down more of my interest. It means those loans won't hang out as long and I will be happier camper without that hanging over my head.

-I saving with a purpose.
I've been thinking about long term savings stuff, such as saving up for a nice bike, a new mattress, and after that a trip overseas. I have rough ideas of when I can get to these points. I've always been a natural money saver, but now I'm asking "Brain, what would you actually like to do with it?" Emergency funds are a good idea too.

-I'm busy.
Oh wait, that doesn't count, because I'm pretty much always busy. I like to be that way though. I need breaks but I do enjoy a full schedule.

-I know myself a lot better.
I realize this isn't necessarily a sign of adulthood, as how much you know yourself can change with the changes in your life, but I do feel a lot more self-assured. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are and how to work with them. I know when I need to give myself a break in body or mind, and I have a good idea of when I need to push myself too.

-I'm taking better care of me.
I push my limits a little but I am faster to recognize a mental freak out, a body break down. My health is something I keep an eye on and maintain as best as I can, by feeding it right, by exercising, by refreshing my mind.

Overall I'm quite happy with where I am in my life. I've done a lot of growing in the past year and all it has been for the better. Hopefully these positive changes continue and I just keep moving up.

~Lo
Your Favorite Annoying Twenty-Four Year Old

Long Overdue Update

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 14:29:00 GMT

Is this what happens when you grow up? Time just goes BAM! GONE!

I'm midway into August? Already? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I haven't been to the Red Cross in a month? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Time is running away with me this summer. I feel like since I've been in Buffalo I've been on warpspeed.

Anyhoo, how's life going for me?

I still thoroughly enjoy my job. I've already been working there for three months, which is kind of hard to believe. BUT I really need to get hauling on the second job hunt. I've just been ill motivated the past week or so.

~~~~~~

Today I have spent recovering from a weekend with Matt's family. His cousin got married down in East Aurora and everyone was out in force. It was actually a really nice time as I was in my element in the big-family-gathering scene. Everything was just very natural and relaxed and I was quite glad that I knew everyone but was also free of a certain amount of obligations given that I am not blood family. I can just be the girlfriend and that's it.

The bride made her own dress and it was quite classy and beautiful with a very traditional Episcopal wedding. (Stand sit, stand sit, sing, pretend to pray.) Matt was proud of me for how well I did with it considering I am not remotely Christian. I just said "Hey, I can respect it. I can appreciate the words even if the faith they are from is not my own. I can sing the songs for the bride and groom and endow the overall meaning with my own personal spirituality as opposed to the Christian." The place where I drew the line: there was NO WAY I was taking communion, but hey, other people refrained too, including Matt, who doesn't do the Outer Sacraments. (Symbolically drinking Jesus's blood and eating his body is too much for me as a non-believer.)

The reception was nice, centered around a book theme, since the bride and groom are bookaholics. There was even a book exchange! I thought that was awesome. The speeches came at the end of the night, which was not good. The bar had been open for FAR too long by then and the Maid of Honor made vague sexual innuendos using airplanes and chocolate in her speech, while the Best Man literally went on for a half hour with the weird stories that never really made a point.

While for the most part I charmed everyone, I also managed to make an ass of myself by literally falling on my ass in front of Matt's ENTIRE family. I WASN'T EVEN DRINKING! I was just half-backward running to see if everyone would be in frame for a photo and then BAM! Flat on my ass, felt a pop in my ankle and everyone just staring at me like "Oh my god." I bounced right up and was like "I'm okay!" -wince- and proceeded to join them for photos but my ankle was definitely a little bit swollen.
Two days later it's still swollen but hasn't bruised at all. I'm wondering if something popped out and then into place and I managed to piss off a muscle at the same time (I feel a pull in the side of my calf if I turn my foot a certain way. It's weird). I was actually pretty pissed because I should know better than to do stupid things on my feet and I KNOW that my ankles will loosey-goosey on me if I don't watch them. They're the main reason why I lose my balance and tend to be light on my feet since they're not very stable.
So, I'm going to keep watching my leg for the next week and hope it works out for the best.

Other things that happened this weekend: Matt's sister, Elizabeth, has a boyfriend-not-boyfriend thing that I met this weekend. Basically, he's been in the picture as a friend for a year a half and from what we've heard he treats Elizabeth like a boyfriend would treat a girlfriend. (As in, he drove across the country to go to this wedding with Elizabeth.) But nothing has ever happened between them. Elizabeth likes him but from what we heard it has never been reciprocated in terms of romantic feeling.
Well, I saw it for myself this weekend.
He is dead pan not interested in her as more than a friend AT ALL. His entire body language screams it. He's a REALLY awesome friend but he wants nothing more with her. He has more romantic chemistry with women he has just met. I saw this plain and clear with my own eyes.
And it's sad because he is a nice guy. He's conventionally attractive, tall, blonde, Finnish, fit and tiny hipped, and he even shakes his butt when he walks. I'm not attracted to him but he fits the standard beauty mold of gorgeous, and again with natural ass shaking included. Elizabeth has never had a boyfriend and she is about 27 or 28 now. It's got to be complete and utter fucking torture. But it is not ever going to happen. It's almost sad because I hoped seeing them together would prove my thoughts wrong. She needs to move on and it sucks because he's genuinely a cool person so I can see why that would be hard.
At some point Matt and I feel the need to give her this talk, once her life isn't such hell. (She's going for her PhD and her sponsoring professor died about two months ago, so her life is really in flux at the moment.) I feel really bad for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeah, it was a good time and now we're just getting back in the swing of normal life.
This week I'm doing research at the Historical Society to fill out the latest script (which is BS but that's a rant for another day) and re-motivating myself.

Again, romantic life with Matt has been really strong. I have this thing I do where I'm really tired and we're lying in bed and I just start to spew my love for him and I can't stop. I've done that a lot the past week. We crunched each other toes pretty bad recently but we forgave each other and moved on. Normal couple stuff. Functional.
TMI Warning: the whole living together thing in no way has impaired our bedroom life at all. It's been just progressively more awesome lately and after we just look at each other like "Holy mother hiefers, whoa." I think it helps that we've both been REALLY happy lately.
In terms of post-surgery it's just regular routine. I felt kind of bad for him every time he got the pointed "How are you doing?" I still get that about him. Honestly? He's perfectly fine, just monitors how much he eats.

It's kind of funny, he says he loves living with me because he never has to worry about deserts disappearing. He literally had a whole cheesecake to himself for a week because I wasn't in the mood for it. Or can make fruit deserts and knows I'll never touch them. (However, cookies are another thing but this man makes ginger snaps that can cause legit foodgasms.)

So yup, still in love, still happy, still feeling pretty good about life. Not as comfortable as I'd like to be financially but I think for the most part everything is still running smoothly.

Peace.
~Lo

Holy Forking June

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Fri, 1 Jun 2012 15:08:00 GMT

Hello June,
You're here already?
Sincerely,
~Lo

Really, I can't believe I'm already here at this month. It's now been over a year since I graduated from college. I'm actually not nostalgic or mournful. My 2012ers have graduated and life moves on.

Anyhoo, tomorrow I start my first REAL weekend at work. Yesterday my training finished and I may now assume a regular pattern of life...sort of. Next week I have a meeting, two days of volunteering and then my weekend is a busy land of docent meetings, work, and rolling back to good ol' Central New York on Sunday evening after work. My best friend Lala will be out in the area visiting her dad so I'm riding back with her to hang out in CNY until the morning of the 15th when I'm taking a bus back to Buffalo.

Things are still well. I've been REALLY tired the past week, I think due to the weather which has been in "I really want to rain but not quite yet" mode all week as well as my physical activity period. I feel asleep at 8pm on the couch on Wednesday and pretty stayed asleep, even when I moved into my bed around 10:30 and slept solid the whole night. I have energy but I've also been doing a lot of physical activity between some combination of biking, walking, or swimming every day. Being in shape is good for me but at other times it also leaves me VERY pooped.

Matt and I have been well. I've felt really freaking cuddly toward him for the past few weeks, which is slightly unusual for me as I am admittedly not the most cuddly person in the world. Matt tends to crave it more than I do. However, it has been very nice. We've really enjoyed being around each other and just hanging out, taking walks, cooking, playing Champions of Norath: Call to Arms (which is freaking GREAT by the way!), picking out resturuants we want to check out sometime. I've really been appreciating him lately. I don't feel the need to say "I love you" six times a day as he does but I am very glad for his presence in my life. I'm just very gushy and smiley about my relationship and I look at him like "Yeah, I'm totally proud to be with you."
Again, it's been one of those things where every time I think the love can't get deeper it does. Over two years into the relationship and it still amazes me.

In other news...man I hate when I was thinking of something earlier to write and then totally forget. Bugger!

Oh, so yeah, my docent trainer dude at the Historical Society is nuts and doesn't really care who he tells and at this point I'm over telling him he should take care of himself every time I see him. The guy has SEVERE general anxiety, doesn't really sleep, works a full time and a part time job, eats horribly, takes care of his mom who has cancer, and manages to fit a girlfriend in there too. He says this all pretty casually to us docents. Given that I've heard this a few times now I resist the urge to keep telling him that he needs to take care of himself. He's a year older than me and knowing this, I also know he is capable of making his own choices about what he will sacrifice to enjoy life. It does become slightly irritating though when I KNOW he is going to burn out soon enough and that regardless of him knowing it and other people telling him it, he will do it anyway.
-sigh- People. Really.

Anyhoo, I'm off to raid more of the library before grabbing some coffee and curling up with Catherine the Great before I go work out this evening. I hope everyone on the JS front is doing well.
Peace.
~Lo

Finally Employed!

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Mon, 21 May 2012 11:06:00 GMT

My volunteering has paid off! As of tomorrow I start working for the Historical Society that I've been a docent with since February! It's only 9hrs a week at the front desk but hell, it's SOMETHING after close to four months here! I'm very pleased as it fits my goals of working for an organization I care about and not being on my feet.

I literally applied to the job on Thursday after seeing a posting on Facebook, did docenting and interviewed on Friday and got the call today. Now I start training tomorrow!
I'm VERY happy as my work here in Buffalo is starting to pay off just when I was thinking it might be time to start opening my options again.
Now I can have something on my resume and continue applying for part time work during weekdays.

AGH!! So happy! I can start paying my loans back and have a LITTLE bit left over to build back some of my bank account and contribute toward the apartment. I am way happy! I think this will be very good for me. I have already been showing my worth to the society (I've given a decent amount of tours since I started and began taking notes at the docent meetings to forward on to the rest of the group). I will continue proving myself.

Thank you, life. I did this on my own and it's paying off. It feels good and it feels right. Being patient was right.
:-)

Feeling Accomplished

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Sun, 13 May 2012 17:19:00 GMT

I am very excited about the fact that I can now ride a bike. Today was my forth day out on it and has definitely clicked! My body found its balance center on the bike and now cruising is easier because I trust myself to stay upright! I am better at going at speed and my muscles have quickly adapted.

Now that I am comfy I need to adjust my seat to be higher. Apparently with biking you ideally want to be able to full extend your leg when you push down. I have long legs for my height and heels that naturally drop low (something my riding instructors were always in awe of. Thanks loose connective tissue!), therefore my adjustment need.

My brain is spinning with possibility now! I feel like my mobility has just been greatly increased! Biking is low impact on my joins because my legs won't be directly connecting with pavement, so I can farther faster and with less pain to my body.This is HUGE for me! Another advantage is that Buffalo is pretty flat...unlike most cities in Central New York, therefore I won't have to completely tire myself out going up hills.
DAMN I AM HAPPY!!!!! THIS IS SO EXCITING FOR ME!!!!

It's funny that at the age of 23 in a handful of months I have finally learned to swim and ride a bike, things which most people do when they are children. It has been very rewarding because for the most part I have taught myself. I had a little bit of basis with the swimming but back stroke is the last one I thought I'd master because I have usually been VERY uncomfortable with my back facing down to the water below. This time it came to me really easy though, and I'm to the point of fine tuning my technique, making sure my arms are straight and reaching out of the water, turning my body from side to side with my strokes.
The same goes for biking. Matt taught me how to get on and walked with me while I fumbled around for the first day, offering encouragement, but it was my own determination that brought me out the next day and WORKED on it, as well as the day following in which it CLICKED. Today as Matt walked I rode very comfortably beside him, even picking up good speed and racing far ahead at times.
I am absolutely THRILLED with myself and my spirit is very happy.

People have attempted to teach me to swim and ride a bike multiple times throughout my younger life and it never happened for me.
With my adult determination and patience I have been able to. I know my body better and am able to stave off fear more. I know how to will myself to do something until the click happens and then I trust myself to retain it. It's a wonderful feeling. My confidence is WAY up!

Oh and for anyone wondering, I AM wearing a helmet! For that matter I'm of the mind to wear long pants and sleeves too, JUST IN CASE I ever do fall off the bike for whatever reason. I was an assistant to a bike safety instructor for the majority of the summer and know the importance of being smart on a bike.

Anyhoo, I'm off, possibly to do more riding today.
Peace!
~Lo

Goals Met!

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Fri, 11 May 2012 17:32:00 GMT

Who can finally swim and ride a bike at the age of 23.2?

THIS GIRL!

Boybands, what?

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Wed, 2 May 2012 16:50:00 GMT

Did Justin Bieber make room for this? Boybands? God. What it really this awkward for older people to see NYSNC and Backstreet Boys come up when I was in elementary school?

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!!!
One Direction...I CAN'T TELL THEM APART! THEY HAVE THE SAME FACES! AND THE SAME HAIR SWOOSH! AND THE SAME TIGHT PANTS! (God is that awkward.)

When girls flip their hair are you overwhelmed?

I didn't know I could have that effe- aww damn my hair is too short. Bummer.

It is strange though. Pop music must go through these cycles. I mean they happened throughout the past 70 years or so. It's just weird experiencing it myself. I'm 23 now. I feel awkward watching these kids. Was it like this for people with my BSB? Eeek.

Mind you, I don't mind The Wanted. They're pretty freaking sexy actually. I'm just disappointed by the fact that they don't appear to dance. They're like "We are too FIIIINE to dance." I would like it if they danced because they have very dancey music.
I wonder if they get advice from BSB or NYSNC on how to be successful boyband? I'm amused by this thought.

On the note of a boyband let me go back to Justin Bieber, the one man boyband. I am glad that he has "grown up" with his Boyfriend song....all the same I thought he was Colbie Callet yesterday when I heard him doing a song with Chris Brown. >.< I'm ready to hear where the guy is now headed. I'm ready for the Bieber Fever to not be as bad.

So, those are just my thoughts on boybands that I felt the need to express.
Peace.
~Lo

The News For Now

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Thu, 5 Apr 2012 18:45:00 GMT

I apologize for the complete neglect of this blog I have done. For having been going nearing on the closer side of 9 years now, I feel rather bad.

So what I have been up to? Well, I'd say I'm mostly adjusted to my new city of Buffalo. Walking a city really helps you to get to know the place. I think I know just as well as Matt does at this point. It helps that I have a photographic memory too.

I'm still hunting for work but I went to an agency today that I feel confident will help me. My meeting with my job councilor went really well and I can tell she is competent, which makes me feel MUCH better.

~~~~~

For the past month or so things have been up in the air though.
About five days before my birthday Matt was in some intense abdominal pain. After spending most of the day in waiting rooms we got into the ER and they thought it was appendicitis and he was pulled into surgery. Well, they opened him up and it most definitely as not. He had about 16 inches of his intestines removed. Meanwhile I was in the surgery waiting room wondering what the hell was going on when a 30 minute procedure was hitting the 2 hour mark. I found a janitor on the almost empty floor who found people to keep me informed a little while Matt was finishing up surgery.
When the surgeon came to me I was a bit blinded by the news and then had about 30 minutes of random wandering to find his room and grab his stuff/periodic hysterical crying. It had been a long day already, as I'd been awake since 4:30am with him and it was going on 8:45pm by that point. When I was able to see him in post-op relief flooded me and intense amount of love when the first question he asked (coming down from anthesia) was if I had eaten. He was hooked up to tubes and sounded like Darth Vadar but was asking me how I was.
His parents got there from Indiana at about 2am with merciful gift of a greasy delicious BK Whopper. (I had been running mostly on adrenaline at that point.) I totally zoned as I wolfed that puppy down. I have never devoured a burger so quickly. Matt's parents left after confirming he was okay and went to crash at a family friend's place nearby.
I stayed in the hospital. 3 and a half hours of spaced out sleep never felt so refreshing.
In the morning I was relived, went home and showered. When I returned the nurses barely recognized me from the hoodie wearing, big hat, baggy jeans, tired-and-stressed-as-hell person I had been when I left two hours earlier.

Matt spent about 10 days in the hospital.
We have both come to loathe the smell of hospital self-washing supplies. I hated not being able to smell HIM and he was relived to bury his nose in me and smell something different.
It was stressful and my life pretty much went on hold but we made it through it. I was very thankful for the support of friends and family through it, and the reminders that I needed to sleep and eat myself (which I can easily ignore but actually do need).
My birthday was spent in good company since Lala and her boyfriend drove up to visit, and my friend Lizzy was around. Mind you, I was rather out of it for some of the weekend visit, but was glad to see them. It was also nice when two of Matt's college friends drove up. We all had a great afternoon chat and I managed to shrug a cake off to them. (I appreciated Matt's mom of buying me a personal chocolate cake but I literally had half an icecream cake in my fridge that Lala had already gotten me...and I'm not much a dessert person to begin with.)

He's been out for two weeks today and is healing well.

Our relationship is strong. Seeing him go through what he did emphasized how much I care about him. I experienced love another level...and here I was thinking "I can't get any deeper". It's not so much...exuberant love as it is STRENGTH, and it's rooted in the depth of your being.
In his case, he has been infinitely thankful that I was there with him through it all. The experience has changed what we are to each other.

I'm proud of myself. I know I handle stress pretty well but I was proud of my ability to hold it together through that, standing in the waves as rock. A few pieces of me might have chipped off but I remained.

I feel focused now and more calm about the future in spite of the uncertainties. I don't feel as if it's going to overwhelm me anymore. I'm just taking days as they come and getting done what needs to get done.

~~~~~

In other news, my grandmother from my bio dad's side is deterioating. It happened the same week Matt was going through his surgery. I feel a little sad about this. While I have other grandparents, she is "Grandma," you know? The big squishy grey haired lady that I made meatballs with and got me pink candies and grape soda. I feel sad that she all of a sudden fell apart and is going to have to go to a nursing home. I've been pretty close with her for most of my life.
When she was having a better day Ray told her what was going on on my end, so it was really nice to hear on the phone that she always knew I was a very strong person. Something about her words were more validating and strengthening more than anything else I hear that week. I heard another part of her in those words, the person who was young once herself, talking to me woman to woman, acknowledging me as a strong woman she is proud of.

~~~~~~

Other than that, not too much going on. I'm re-confronting my arthritis (it hit me again after a blessed year off) and am being mindful that I take care of my body. Tights, warmth, good shoes, less time walking concrete where I can, avoiding grocery stores for long durations.

~~~~~

Well that's the news for now.
Peace.
~Lo

P.S. I can't believe I'm 23, even though I'd been rounding up accidentally since January. I'm in like...my mid 20s. Weird to say.

Buffalo Speaks

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:55:00 GMT

The sounds when walking under a raised racing freeway in fading winter with otherwise quiet streets are probably some of the most awesome and yet eerie I have ever heard. I wish the magnetude of it could be caught and placed out of context just be appreciated.

I am liking Buffalo. I keep on finding small beautiful artistic things I love. I keep seeing history and having questions. I am intriqued with the past that I can see. Sometimes I'd like to put my hand against a wall and just listen. Cities have so many stories to tell. In the silence of the streets I can almost hear them, and in the fading paint I can almost see their words.

There is a grit here, but it come from the fact that this city was an industrial heart, and for that matter has the strong potential to continue being one. It isn't a city of much glamour- it's a city of people who worked, who still do, who have community. It might not be the strongest but I can sense it.

I think everyone talks bad about where they're from, to be honest. But I tend to fall in love. I appreciate things. I see the bad but I see the potential too.

I'm thinking about writing a proposal to make the bus systems better and more understandable so more people can use them successfully, and thus be a better mode of transportion.
I'm getting involved. I'm "listening" and feeling.

Peace.
~Lo

Life Marker

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:06:00 GMT

I have moved in to the apartment with Matt.

My books fit.

Peace.
~Lo

YFAT Returns

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 15:48:00 GMT

I am a teenager.

Emotional Train Wreck
Dating a Guy My Parents Don't Like
Moving Away from Home
Questioning My Career Path
Pissed Off and Crying Like I'm Going Through Puberty
Learning to Drive
Learning to Cook for Myself
Probably Working at a Fast Food Place Until I Can Find Something Better and in the Mean Time Working My Ass Off to Get It

That's a short description of my life right now.

But wait...I'm in my 20s...

Peace.
~Lo

P.S.
9....I'm going to be 9 in Journal Scape Years this year?! HOLY SHIT!

Free Write

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Wed, 2 Nov 2011 02:09:00 GMT

That feeling where you know you are a serious bitch and a forceful control freak
and where you wonder why that is and why you feel the need to be
deciding if you have been rightious or wrong
where you say you won't think anymore
but your thoughts drive you crazy anyway
back and forth
back and forth

is it love?
is it projected ideals?
are you just too afraid of heart break?
of wasted time?
or do you really love and think you are holding on because this is right
because this is love
because this can work

you debate if you are the one to blame
if you have sabotaged yourself
you question if you are bending falsely to please each other
you question if this really is just based on sex
and you are terrified of being with anyone else
terrified to the point of tears and shaking at the thought
because your loyalty and love have run so long that you can't fathom letting go
that you don't want anyone else in all seriousness

You can't let go without breaking
even though a part of you has already broken away
exposing your ugliness
making you hate who you are
question who you are
trying to accept and change who you are

but why change?
why ask someone else to change?
because of love?
is that reasonable?

you want it to work so badly
you still want to see them
it's almost the holidays
you don't fucking care

but you do care
you care a lot
a damn lot
it's why this sucks
you want to be happy
but what is the way to that?
And it's unrealistic to be happy all the time anyway

You need to communicate better
but how can you communicate when you are filling his mouth with words before he says them
and he swallows them
and you don't know what he may regurgitate back up
or maybe it won't come back up
it will just come back out in a slow processed constipated mass which takes three days like the time he was actually constipated because he kept his shit in for you and only let it out when he left and had his own toilet and laxative
and you just thought "that is one of the fucking craziest metaphors I have ever made"
...but maybe it makes sense

ping pong ping pong
like a Forest Gump national championship
your thoughts go back and forth
driving you when you should be driven by other things
when you should just be letting boys be boys
lets face it
this is so high school
just with bills to pay

it will work out
it will work out
and you will be accepting
and you will make mistakes
and even if you find that you are a crazy bitch
and don't use it at the right times
you'll know what to do in the future
you know you will punch yeasty 60 year old douche bags in the face and hope it splatters in the right direction...preferably at George Bush

you will breathe
you will do martial arts
you will love regardless of the outcome and your fear
and no matter what it will be okay

and you will finally fall a fucking sleep now.

Peace.
~Lo

Well I Guess This Is Growing Up

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 21:28:00 GMT

Life feels pretty freaking surreal right now.

Seven weeks ago I started my training for my first post-college job.
A few days after that I moved in with my friend Lala for two weeks.
A month and a week ago I moved into my first apartment.
A month a week ago I started working at my bank branch.
Two weeks ago I was fired.
A week and a half ago I visited Matt in Buffalo.
A week ago I acquired a cold.

And this week? This week I am moving out of my apartment and headed off to Buffalo IN the next week or two.

Holy fuck life. It comes flying at you like a sledge hammer.

I should be packing as I have to be out by this weekend, but honestly, it's a lot to absorb right now. I'm moving again? I'm going to live with Matt after 1 1/3 of a year of long distance? I'm leaving the only area I have ever lived in? I'm an adult now? I'm really having to make career choices? I guess this is growing up.
Insert Blink-182 musical moment.

I'll adapt. I'll get through. I'm thankful I have this support in the first place.
...And October is now song Title Month.

Peace.
~Lo

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 15:34:00 GMT

What the fork, is the end of October seriously this close already?

...Yes, yes it is. Time is going so fast!

So, what have I been up to? Applying for jobs like hell and thinking about life and probably sounding slightly pathetic.

Friday was one of those "Oh thanks life..." days again where I woke up with a cold (I blame the guy behind me on the Greyhound) and then all I wanted was a stinkin' cup of fancy coffee...and then I locked myself out of my apartment. Yeah, I left my keys inside when I left. My apartment is upstairs and through two doors. It was raining. My cellphone was dying. My landlord was out of town for the weekend, my parents were on vacation and I didn't have an extra set of keys.
Thankfully my brother Rob's girlfriend Fawn came and picked me up...but then as we are headed home her car randomly breaks down in an intersection...and HER cellphone is dying too. Fawn and I were like "Uh...what do we do?" We're in the freaking turning lane of course so it was like "Step out dah car and potentially get hit!" She calls her dad and he calls a tow truck friend and meanwhile I'm contemplating dodging traffic and going around the corner to the fire department. That is when a cop pulls up behind us, chats with Fawn and then PUSHES HER CAR in the RAIN into a parking lot nearby. Very nice cop!

So we wait for Fawn's dad and he takes us back to my parent's house where I spent the next days in my same clothes (not that bad as long as you shower) and cuddling the dogs, who were quite happy to see me. My room was empty but for a large mattress leaning against the wall, so I laid that down and slept on it...only to be promptly dog piled in the morning. Literally. Bizzy slept with me on Friday night anyway as she glues herself to me whenever I go home as it is. But in the morning Angus nudged the door open and said "Oooh! Loey! Mattress!" -snuffle face- -get on mattress- Then Konnor came in and was all "Yo, what's going on down there-oooh! Are we puppy piling? Oh hi, Loey! Oh, is that your stomach I just stepped on? It was squishy! Oh that's a leg. Yay! Cuddling! FACE!"
I love happy dogs in the morning.

It was pretty funny too because Fawn had bought a puzzle to keep herself occupied while house sitting for my parents and she saw me looking at it and KNEW I was already mentally figuring it out. "Oh man, I can see your brain working. Please don't finish my puzzle!" So I worked on the hard half while she did the easy part, all the while being tortured as she searched for pieces that I had zeroed in on at a glance. I had to forcefully contain myself.
Thankfully Foodnetwork and my urge to bake are very distracting.

I'm back at my place today and the mad job hunt is on. I'm applying just about anywhere and remembering why I hate the job application process so much. But it needs to be done.
My short term plan is sit out my lease and make it in my apartment until December. All the while I'm going to attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life. Hopefully I'll have a plan of attack by then.
I applied to substitute teach and hopefully that will help me figure out if it's something I want to do. I'm thinking that getting my certification might be good to do anyway. If I become certified in New York State it pretty much means I can teach anywhere. I just need to decide what I want to specify in. I could do history or special education. I'm also thinking about health education as that is pretty important to me. But if I teach history, or teach in the education system at all I really want to know WHY I am doing it and what I think education is beneficial for. I need to believe in the system before I work for it. If I don't then why am I teaching? What am I really giving to students? Torture? False hope?

Another avenue I'm looking at is taking the civil service exam. That is a good thing to have under my belt at least. And if I end up as part of government then maybe I can help to fix it. I'm starting to pay more attention to local politics as they DO influence what is happening to ME. I can use my power as a voter and as a worker.

I think what's happening is that I realize I don't want to just be someone's agent, just a drone. I want to make things happen. In college I was trained to ask questions and create my own answers, to be a leader and to be myself even more fearlessly than before. I look at bigger pictures and I connect things by examining details.
I want to put my skills to use. The reason I'll settle for a shit job if need be is so that I can work for a larger purpose on the side.

What do I want to do with my life? I'm not certain. I don't have a definitive road plan because experience has taught me there isn't one. But I do have a vague idea of where I want to go.
I'm a reasonably adaptable and passionate person and I think that will take me somewhere...I just need to decide the current I want to follow. Already I feel like I have more direction and that I'm trying at least. I know what doesn't work and ultimately that will guide me closer to what does.
I think I have a lot of strengths, it's just figuring out how to best use them.
I don't like being indecisive and I trying to force myself not to be right now.

So I'll do it. I'll rock this thing out. I'll try damn hard to not be pulled into the cynical and depressing (so freaking hard this past week) and I'll live and be thankful. I can be grateful for dogs that love me, that my acne seems to finally be going away, that for now I'm making it, that the weather has been nice, that I have AMAZING friends and people who care about me, that I have love and support.

With that, I end.
Peace.
~Lo

Closing Time, Open All the Doors and Let You Out Into the World

alimon89@gmail.com (Alimon_Roming) — Fri, 7 Oct 2011 13:03:00 GMT

What I Want In a Job

-A place where I can ask questions that will improve the system
-A place where people communicate UP FRONT WITH YOU no matter what it is.
-A place where I can be creative
-A job where I don't have to interact with computers as much
-A job where I focus on being passionate

I think my goal is to work for a legitmate non-profit. At this point I WILL volunteer, as long as the agency is amazing and I feel right doing it can find another job to support me in the mean time.

If you don't get the underlying message of this post so far it's this: I was fired today because I suck at being a bank teller. I am highly emotional and yet I expected it.
I'm just pissed that they didn't tell me what to work on as opposed to just letting me flounder with the guilty conscious of what I was doing bad. It really helps to hear it from an outside source and specifics as opposed to just attempting to read everyone and feeling more miserable for it.

Fuck it. I'll be okay.

But really, communication will be a high number on my list from now on.

Farewell banking. Hello world before me.
Time to research.

Peace.
~Lo