I HAVE a problem with the English lan guage.

Like: through, threw, thruway.

Like: buy, bye, bi or . . . by and by.

Like: four, fore, for, even maybe a Russian's pronunciation of the word "fur."

Or huff and puff and muff and stuff and buff and cuff and guff and fluff. Plus tough and rough.

Enough?

Wait, with that same spelling we have bough and dough and cough. And cough rhymes with off. But off doesn't rhyme with doff. But, then, doff rhymes with quaff. And quaff goes with slough.

How about both and moth? Hoof and roof? Toed and coed? Or good food?!

Is it main or mane? Nix or nicks? Rain or reign? Would or wood? Gays or gaze? Hay or hey? Seed or cede? Nay or neigh? Wait or weight? Lion or lyin'. Herd, heard. Spayed, spade. Lei, lay, ley. Dye or die. Flew or flue. Vain or vane or vein? Moan or mown? Lane or lain? Bale or bail? How's try and tri again.

Towed and toad. Load and lode. Red and read. Right and rite and write. Wade and weighed. Sic and sick. Facts and fax. Tacks and tax. Locks and lox.

Are we talking "to 'halve' and 'halve' not?"

Rake and ache? Booth and couth? Purse, terse, worse and hearse? Whom and tomb and room? Attic and paddock? Vote and coat? Crepe and nape? Cause and draws? Rich and kitsch and bitch, which, no matter what, somehow go together.

Much and hutch? Lurch and perch? Sum and some? Doe or go or stow or sew? Take a shot at why, rye, sigh, my, tie, guy and hi. Bow as in a curtsy or bow as in a dress.

Row as in an argument or row as in a line. And, listen, there's always roe as in caviar.

What about cow and now or mow and low. Crate, freight, trait, great. Loss, boss, moss, toss and sauce. Height and might and kite.

To. Too. Tutu. Crowed and toed and bode and goad. Door and more and boar. Also whore, which in New York is pronounced the same as haw or saw. High and heigh-ho-heigh-ho-it's off to Websters we go. Flee, flea. See, sea. Bee, be, and the B-B gun. Tee, tea and do-re-mi-fa-so-la-TI.

Coarse. Course. Thyme. Time. Moat. Mote.

Hung and tongue. Dirge and purge. Plaid and glad. Dread and bed. Haste and raced. Languor and hangar. Say and fey and quai. Craze and days.

English began in the northern Europe forests in 600 AD. Its ancestors were the Germanic branch of the Indo-European family.

This babble spread during the Roman empire among tribes called Angles and Saxons, hence Anglo-Saxon, get it?

Merchants servicing the tribes mixed in Latin and, then, in the year 449 (give or take a few days), Vortigern, King of the British Isles, began forming a real language.

And, listen, if you can make anything out of this, lotsa luck. I'm having enough trouble speaking and writing the thing without mucking up its history.

Like, here's one of my problems. I understand "disagree" is the opposite of agree. I recognize "disallow" as the other side of allow. And that "disapprove" is the back end of approve. And that "disconnected" means not connected.

But what about discombobulated. Has anything ever been combobulated? Disturbed. When's anything been turbed? Discord. In your office there's cord? I would look with disdain at Wagnalls and his pal Funk had I ever previously looked at them with dain.

Whom do you know that's gruntled? So who's to know if they're disgruntled? Anyone discommoded who's ever been commoded? Disheveled? Sheveled?

Intuitive. As opposed to tuitive? Infatuted. Fatuated? Incidental. Yeah, right. So, cidental? Incremental. Where is anything cremental.

The bi's. Bicentennial. OK, fine, we have centennial. Bipolar. All well and good because we have polar. But now comes bifurcated. So what's furcated?

And the prefix re. Retaliation. There's taliation? Resume. There's sume? Repudiate. I now await any accredited grammarian to pudiate.

And the prefix de. Deleterious? There's no leterious. Defector. What's a fector. Desist. Anybody know anybody who sists.

The first English dictionary came out in 1603. I'd like to smack that publisher.