We settled one of the two cases I had to try today. Boy was that psychiatrist who was going to testify for my opponent lucky. I saw her shaking like a leaf out there. I spent a lot of time prepping my cross.

Here's how it would have went:

Me: Heh. Your name is Dr. "Weiner"?

Dr. Weiner: Yes.

Me: Do you know that's like a guy's schlong?

Dr. Weiner (sniffling): Yes.

Me: Kids must have picked on you a lot, didn't they?

Dr. Weiner: Yes.

Me: You must be like mental now, aren't you?

Dr. Weiner: Yes.

Me: I'll bet that's why you became a psychiatrist, isn't it?

Dr. Weiner (sobbing): Yes!

Me: And you like hate everyone now, don't you?

Dr. Weiner (sobbing): Yes!

Me: And like that's why you are saying stuff about my client, aren't you?

Dr. Weiner (openly weeping). Yes! Yes! And I'll get you all some day! (stands up and rushes my client with a pen only to be restrained by a waiting police officer)

Man, she was lucky that didn't happen.

I did mention that I know a janitor that gets paid more than I do, didn't I?