So, I'm still up cleaning and fretting about A.'s surgery tomorrow morning. I know - me, cleaning! I even did some laundry today, and I hate laundry. If I didn't know better, I would say I'm nesting.

A. still has a really runny nose and he's begun to cough, so I'm afraid that we are going to get down there at the crack of dawn and they'll tell us they can't do the surgery. I know that an adnoidectomy is not that big a deal, but I'm beginning to freak out a bit.

And it doesn't help that I keep inevitably bringing up W.'s family of origin issues left and right. At Thanksgiving, W. was so nervous about his family coming that he was a total grouch to be around. He said, "I've waited 20 years for them to come to my house for Thanksgiving, and so it has to be perfect." It's almost as if re-engaging his family has begun bringing up stuff that has been buried since he was 12 and his mom went into the hospital with liver failure because of her drinking.

So, the most current infraction on my part is that W. was in his first choir concert at church tonight with the SLAC choir and another local Presbyterian Church - the cast of thousands. Anyway, A. and I got there and even though there was supposed to be babysitting the doors were locked to the nursery. So, we went around looking because A. was NOT going to sit still for Vivaldi. I finally found a seat about 10 minutes after it started when one of the babysitters offered to take A. to another classroom.

So, I'm in the balcony and when the concert is over I'm talking to folks as I walk downstairs, and by the time I get there W. is not in the chancel. So, I go towards A.'s room and the choir room and W. is walking towards me. He's looking at me like he's mad so I begin to explain why I was late, thinking that was it.

We then get home and b/c I'd done laundry I'd had to unplug the new Christmas lights that W. had put up this afternoon and he blows up (we can either run the washer or plug in the lights). He said he waited for me in the chancel and I never came and that it felt just like when his folks would either not show up for his choir performances or would walk in late/leave early just to say they'd been there. He didn't say it, but I got the distinct impression that because I didn't go directly to the chancel he felt like that little boy whose parents were always too busy to be with him.

I apologized and told him that I did look for him but he wasn't there, and he said that he'll just stop singing in the choir because it obviously is not enjoyable for him.

I understand how painful this was for him, and I am so sorry that I keep bringing up things that are painful for him, but I also want to tell him to go deal with it because I'm tired of being the one he takes it out on with his silent treatment or expectations I don't even know he has. And in small and large ways, I feel like I've been bringing up stuff for him all the time, especially since we've had A.

Harville Hendrix (sp?), the therapist who started the Imago program, says that we marry someone because they bring out our best selves, but we then hit a spot in which we also bring up their deepest hurts. The only way get to the other side of health is to go through it. I guess that's the invitation in this.