ReverendMother gave me a book called "Night Visions: Searching the Shadows of Advent and Christmas" by Jan Richardson. Two things I read today:

"Vessels"
You hollow us out, God,
so that we may carry you,
and endlessly fill us
only to be emptied again.

Make smooth our inward spaces
and sturdy,
that we may hold you
with less resistance
and bear you
with deeper grace. (pp. 44-45)

"Working On It"
And so let me let you hold me
when I have come to the place beyond the willingness
to labor
beyond anything but the longing for rest.
Let my emptiness be emptiness
till it reveals to me your face,
and let my weariness be weariness
till it prompts me to your rest.
Then may I know the healing of slumber
and the possibility of dreams;
then may I greet the dawn and take up my work again.
(p. 49)


One of my dear friends told me, before I was a mother, that motherhood was like the life of discipleship - it takes your whole life (chews it up and spits it out, she said) but also gives it back to you again. I remember when I was in my last weeks of pregnancy how damn tired I was of being pregnant and swollen and ready but not in control of when and what should happen. (I am thinking of you, RM!) But then, when A. was finally born, something began to fill me again...this love that is fierce and strong and tangible and joyful.

But in the midst of all this motherhood this past several weeks, all this physical and tangible love (no romantic sappy story here - just plain hard work) I'm realizing that the things that used to rejuvinate me either don't work anymore or I don't have the luxury of them anymore.

Emptiness...sort of, but in a way emptiness that is filled with activity. It's not an emptiness that is filled with hopelessness or even a sense that I cannot keep going (for by some grace of God I do and will), it's just that I'm not able to engage the Divine One the way I used to.

I want moments of holiness, of feeling God's presence in a mystical way, of silence and prayer and retreats. I want the magical, mystical experience that Mary had with the angel - ok, so Gabriel won't be dining with us soon, but I want something exciting!

And even as I write this I have this image of Mary just after she has had Jesus, looking down at him, cradling the Divine One. Tangible. Physical. Real. And joyful.

Maybe a shift happens within us all where the spiritual life is not so much about angels as it is about the hard work of love. I have to admit, though, that I want both.