ChaplainMom

It has been the month from hell and I'm preaching tomorrow

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Sat, 21 Oct 06 23:59:00 UT

A. got sick on the 22nd, and things got worse from there. Took two weeks off to be with him because W. was traveling, which included four days in the hospital with him. Nasty sinus infection coupled with a lung infection and asthma that would not get under control. Four days in a hospital room with a 2 and a half year old was not fun, but A. was a trooper. We now have a new regimen of medications, and since we have also had an upper-GI, know for sure he's got a nasty case of reflux which leads to irritated lungs and worse asthma.

It is family weekend here and I'm preaching at First Church tomorrow morning. The sermon is actually written (by hand) - at least until the conclusion, but it's midnight and I finally sat down to type it and there is a freakin' cockroach scurrying around the speakers on the desk!!! My laptop is at the office, but I may need to go get it and tuck myself into bed to type b/c this freaks me out.

I'm not one to give the adversary too much credit, but geeze...it sure feels like something in the universe doesn't want this sermon to be typed! Or maybe it's just the construction that is going on to find a water leak at the house... :-)

Light and shadow on a Sunday

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Mon, 11 Sep 06 00:10:00 UT

We were dozing in bed when the phone rang at 7 a.m. this morning. W.'s dad - I thought about his 98-year old grandmother. Nope, W.'s mother had been taken by ambulance to the hospital for throwing up blood. She's also dropped to 92 pounds, which at 5'2" is frail.

She is in ICU, and they may do surgery tomorrow.

And on the same day, A. went to Sunday School for the first time. He loved it! It is a joy to see how much he loves church, and for him to run up to me this morning, telling me they read a story and he colored a picture for us...it was truly a right of passage for this woman who used to plan Sunday School for parents to have moments like that.

The cup of life continues to hold both blessing and sorrow. And God does, as well.

Peace and prayers with all for whom 9-11 will bring turmoil and sorrow.

I'm Baaaacccckkkk!

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Sun, 3 Sep 06 18:56:00 UT

It has been a rather hectic time around the house - and campus - in the past weeks, so much so that this has been the first day/weekend off I've had since August 8th.

Good news is that things are going very well. Bad news - abundance has a way of needing to be managed that creates chaos in the short term. But God is good and is providing moments to de-stress and get back in the swing of things.

Snapshots of what is going on:
* W. is home for a couple of more weeks. He was going to apply for a job here on campus that he would have been GREAT for, but the pay was too low.

* We need the extra $1,000 a month from his income right now b/c our tenant in our house in Georgia informed us today she is moving out.

* This is actually a bit of a blessing because we have been wanting to sell the house and yet she had a lease (although she has been late on her rent the last 5 months). W. will be flying out there next week to list it and such. Please pray that it will sell quickly!!!! At this point, I'd pay someone all of my 403b to take it.

* I'm teaching a freshman seminar class - good for the income; hectic for the schedule. I'm actually enjoying the teaching endeavor, but with our campus ministry programming it is overwhelming.

* Our numbers are clearly up from last year. Partly b/c of a larger entering class, partly b/c we have credibility now. We may have to move out of the chapel if we get any more folks in worship! (Our chapel is itty-bitty, but we have had 35 or so both weeks, and last year we had about 12-15)

* A. is now staying angry with me if I give him a time-out. Making it very interesting around here. He said he was mad at me because I've been "mean." Truth is, he's right...I've been much less "fun mommy" the last two weeks. Hopefully this weekend began to remedy that.

* (And I'll end with this because, let's face it, nothing else can top it!) A. is also becoming very observant - even the pediatrician says he is more observant than children much older than he. So today, when W. and A. and I were in the living room after church, A. kept saying something and pointing at Kirby, the dog. Finally, we realized he was pointing at Kirby and saying, "Why is Kirby's penis out?"

Holy crap, it took all that W. and I had to not laugh our butts off. I said, "Sometimes that just happens." A. said, "Why? What is Kirby's penis doing?" I looked at W. and said, "This is your territory." Thankfully, my husband is more creative than I am and said, "You know how sometimes in the morning your penis "hurts" and it's hard to put a pull-up on? That is how Kirby's is, too." A. goes, "Oh, ok."

What the hell am I in for???

Disoriented

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Jul 06 11:20:00 UT

I'm wearing my glasses today. Actually have been since last Tuesday, and before that had another week of wearing them because of an eye infection.

Now, this may not seem to be such a big deal. "Aren't you grateful that you finally have NEW glasses to wear that are actually your prescription?" my husband asked me. Why, yes I am glad that I finally can see the leaves on trees and actually drive without scaring myself to death.

(Note to self: It is not ok to wear a prescription of-5.75 when you are, in actuality, a -7.75 glass-wearer. Don't wait so long to get the new lenses next time!)

The problem with wearing my glasses is that for the last week and a half I have felt so disoriented I can't hardly see straight! (You know what I mean...)

I feel like I'm not all here. Like I am about 30-seconds behind my life, trying to get my bearings. Like everything I've worked to put in order is unraveling at the ends and threatening to come apart altogether.

For instance, I have had this receipt I need to turn in for a party we hosted for a colleague. It has been marked, sitting on my desk, for about two weeks. (You may be fooled into asking, "Well, if you have had it for two weeks, why didn't you turn it in for reimbursement?" That would be a rabbit trail for another time...)

I can't find the %&*($ receipt now. I've looked EVERYWHERE! No matter that I kind find every other receipt for every miniscule purchase I have made in the past three months - no Wal-Mart receipt for those darn plates is here. And even though it was only for about $5, it makes me wonder...did I throw it away absentmindedly? Did I take it somewhere, thinking it would actually get to my boss that way? More disturbing than losing it is knowing that I probably did something with it that I cannot remember.

And then there is the credit card that I needed to use for curriculum yesterday. Did I have it? No. Can I find it? No. Do I know why it's not where it usually lives? Have no freakin' idea.

Then, when I was doing my devotional this morning, Richard Foster asked (in his book "Seeking the Kingdom") that I imagine I am the prodigal son in the story of Luke 15. The book suggests you imagine yourself as the son, and allow your story to unfold as needed. All I felt was that I was doing my thing but couldn't connect the dots...that I was in the same place but was so disoriented by it that I almost didn't know where I was. That I was, like the prodigal, floundering. Hmmm...so maybe this feeling of disorientation is not only about wearing my glasses, maybe it has a spiritual component as well?

Foster asked the reader to imagine turning for home. It was amazing how hard that was to do - to turn from this floundering-place and again find my bearings.

The loving parent did meet me on the way and embraced me and there was a whirlwind of welcome and hospitality. I am grateful that God welcomes me home again and again and again. Maybe I'll try to stay awhile and find out what this disorientation is really about. I think that would be a good idea.

And in the meantime, I've just gotten the ok to start wearing my contacts again. Thanks be to God!

This Friend Thing

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Jun 06 11:12:00 UT

I think I know why I asked A. who his best friend is. It is because I am wondering if he actually, at the age of 2, considers any of the children he goes to school with his friends.

I always here other moms say, "Oh, Sally is little Billy's best friend at school," or some such thing. So, I began asking A. if he wanted to go see his friends at school, and he's pretty non-plussed about it. Actually, I think if he had his way (although he loves it when he's there), he'd rather stay with Mommy and Daddy. He likes his world small and ordered.

God must be laughing hysterically giving A. me as a mother, but I digress.

But I think this really stems from a recent encounter with one of A.'s teachers who said that he mostly gets time-outs for wanting to play with other kids and "getting in their space" when they don't want to play with him. Instead of saying, "Do they ever want to play with him? Do they play with each other at all?" The voice in my head began whispering:

no one wants to play with your child...he is going to be an outcast...junior high will be hell for him like it was for all of us but he will be all alone even in elementary school...he'll be one of those kids that the teacher has to take pity on because the girls don't want him to play with them and the boys don't choose him for their team...he'll either be withdrawn and only watch pokemon at home or he'll turn into a bully (our little gentle giant) and force his way in...

Just putting this down makes me think that maybe - just maybe - I'm overreacting a bit. (Contrived Writing Device that showed up at RM's blog would say here, "NO! Really???")

I'll tell you what, parenting without fear is the hardest thing I've ever attempted in my whole life.

Maybe I'll ask his teachers to clarify. Wouldn't that be grown-up of me? :-)

Best Friend...an A. Update

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Jun 06 11:10:00 UT

The other night W. and I were hugging in the kitchen (I know! Even in front of the child!) and for some reason A. asked something and I said, "Your daddy is Mommy's best friend." Then, out of nowhere, I asked A. who HIS best friend is.

After a couple of seconds, he goes, "Mmmm...Kirby. Kirby is my best friend!"

Kirby is our golden lab/pointer mix.

Ponderings

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Fri, 23 Jun 06 16:11:00 UT

It's late on a Friday afternoon, and I've got lots of things swirling around in my head. Stories about A.'s new things, prayer requests that have been passed on, my new take on caffeine, the fog that doesn't seem to be lifting about my denomination. You know, normal everyday things people think about late on a Friday afternoon. So, here are some snapshots...

* I find that by doubling (or really tripling) my usual intake of caffeine in the morning like I have done a couple of times this week guarantees that I will fall asleep in my office about 3 pm OR will need chocolate about that time to get me through the rest of the day.

* Anne Lamott's new article on binging in the new O magazine made tears come to my eyes.

* I somehow seem to be getting said O magazine about a week later than the grocery store gets it. So much for relishing getting it early before the general public to begin my obsessive flipping through it! I guess that is what I get for living in the middle of nowhere.

* We have entered time-out hell with A. Good thing is that he responds well to it and seems to be well-acquainted with it from school. Now, isn't that something you think we would have known? Nope...every day they say he's been great! However, last weekend when I asked him if he has time outs at school, he said, "Yeah."

* We had six time outs Saturday and Sunday last week.

* I needed a time out on Sunday night after his bath. Not my shining moment to be holding a screaming child ON FATHER'S DAY next to W.'s chair as W. is talking to his mother. I just stood there with A. dripping and screaming in a towel. Well, until W. said, "Mom, I think I may need to go." and got off the phone.

* A. now says lots of multiple word sentences. Most of them we can even understand!

* A. now says, "I don't like it," when we put something down in front of him to eat. Even if he does like it. Usually, he'll eat it at some point.

* The phrase he now says with great enthusiasm that may actually drive me to enroll myself in a mental hospital sometime soon is, "Mommy/Daddy, what are you doing?" "What are you doing? What are you doing?" You get the idea...over and over and over again. Reminds me of RM's C. saying, "Mommy, I love you."

* A. has hit yet another freaking growth spurt. Has woken up the last two nights screaming b/c of cramps in his shins/knees. Thank God for meltaway Tylenol.

* I think the kitty has begun stalking all of us, and waits until 2 a.m. before going into A.'s room and jumping on his bed and waking him up just to piss us off.

* Freshmen orientation is this weekend. I admit I'm a bit nervous about meeting all these new people. Yep, me Ms. Ultra-Extrovert. I won't tell you how absolutely petrified I am of meeting the students in August.

* I'll get over the above in about 36 minutes when I go to a reception for the parents. At least I'll fake I have.

* On today's prayer list, we are praying for a family whose 1 year old (a little over 18 months I think) died today. Just thinking about it makes me want to go eat everything in sight to make the thought of losing a child go away (which is why Anne Lamott's article at the beginning was so timely.) Why, oh why, do I use food to comfort myself?

* We are also praying for a co-worker whose father's cancer has spread, and they are having to make very hard decisions about further treatment, and if it is even worth it. The sorrow I feel in my heart for them is almost overwhelming.

* The Presbyterian Church? Why do I sense that we have not even begun to weather the hardest part yet?

* On a brighter note, I think W. and I may actually go away for a couple of days BY OURSELVES! Now, if only we can get aunties or grandparents to say they'll watch A. (If any of you are reading... :-)

* I also talked to my student J. who said he didn't think he got anything out of Taize (while we were in Taize...but the Spirit continues to move and groove for him!) and last night he gave me hope for all that is good about God, campus ministry and beginning a new year.

Off to a dessert reception to meet and greet. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

I finally did it!!!

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Tue, 20 Jun 06 16:13:00 UT

After many months I finally passed the 20 lb. weight loss goal I set in January! I wanted to make it by the end of May, but alas, that didn't happen when the chocolate and bread in France were so tasty. Yeah Weight Watchers!

As an aside, I did actually weigh my clothes because I had only .4 pounds left to go and I was going to be darned if I didn't make it today. I actually also took off all of my jewelry as well as my glasses to weigh in, and thought about even taking off my skivvies if it were close! I didn't have to - the light clothing, jewelry free me lost 1.2 pounds this week!

Off to begin another 20 lb. weightloss goal.

Three funerals

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Fri, 16 Jun 06 20:37:00 UT

Yesterday, I went to the funeral of the 91-year old mother of the university president. It was inspiring, as she was, and it made me think again about how motherhood is often a calling (she had six children and scores of grandchildren and great-grandchildren) as well as what an inspiration it was for her children when she received both a BA and MA in English (begun at the age of 58) and taught at the college level when they were all mostly grown.

Today, there was the funeral of the father of one of my students who died suddenly last Sunday at the age of 45, apparently of a heart attack. Today would have been the one-year wedding anniversary of him and his new wife. He left behind eight children - five his and three of his wife's, the youngest (of his) having just graduated from high school. I saw a picture of him, and he seemed to be quite overweight, which may have contributed to his heart attack. When asked what she would miss most about him, my student said, "The way he yelled at me."

Then, next week will be the funeral of a 73-year old man who died at General Assembly doing what he said he loved most, "serving the church." He actually seemed to have said to the committee he was assigned to, "If I die tomorrow I would die a happy man because I died doing what I love most."

All of this has made me think, what would folks say about me?

"Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Jun 06 15:28:00 UT

W. and I went to see the above mentioned musical this past Saturday in the smaller town next door. They have an outdoor theater on the river.

Surprisingly, we knew several folks in the performance, even our church music director! And my colleague actually played both a hooker and church lady in the production which lived up to any idea you may have of small-town community theater.

The best part, though, is that Miss Mona, the madam of the establishment, was played by a woman whose real name is....are you ready?????

Nancy Reagan.

Cost of the tickets? $20
Seeing that in the program? Priceless

Maybe I spoke too quickly...

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Jun 06 15:18:00 UT

Remind me next summer to never complain about not having anything to do. If I believed that what we say actually can tempt God, then I put the lightning rod on my own head and yelled loudly at the Almighty.

I took A. to the pediatrician in the large town about an hour away to see doctors I know will listen. Out of the last 40 days, he'd had to take his cough medicine/decongestant 34 days. He'd had to use his inhaler at least once a day, if not more, for two weeks, and his nose secreted a discharge that was thick and disgusting.

What did the doctor in the small town say THREE times? Just allergies, don't worry about it.

What did the doctor in large city say? Sinus infection and the beginning of walking pneumonia.

So we have been on antibiotics and steroids and such; even with all of that, A.'s still be pretty good! I think he is so used to feeling like this that when he's older and can tell us how he feels, when he feels good he'll be amazed.

Then, presbytery meeting. I won't even go into the long, long, long debate on if a congregation and accept an athiest into membership. Presbytery decided that the church needed to have some remedial conversation on this point with the committee on ministry. After reading a new faith statement by said athiest, I came to believe that the session and pastor really did hear some kernel of faith in him they wanted to affirm. The main lesson I took out of it? If you accept someone who is struggling with their faith into membership in your church, make sure they don't write a bone-headed article about it that is published worldwide and picked up by CNN.

Then, this week, we have had two deaths in our small community - the mother of our president who, at 91, had a stroke last week and never came out of a coma; the other a father of one of our students who died without warning of a massive heart attack on Sunday at the age of 45. We also had a professor go into the hospital on Monday for knee replacement surgery.

Yep, remind me to just keep my mouth shut next summer. Off to finish writing a five-year review of our program, strategic plan goals and an operations calendar. Oh the joys of summer in higher education!

Ordinary Time

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Tue, 6 Jun 06 17:00:00 UT

So I just read my previous post, and think that I'm back at a place I visit often, which is not knowing what to do with myself during ordinary time. The time that God gives us to walk the path faithfully with little fanfare. The moments of gentleness and renewal and trust.

I've never been very good with ordinary time - in the church year or in my own life. I am much better when things are moving and grooving - when I have too much to do and too little time to do it. That is when I trust God! That is when I rely on Christ to give me strength!

This....sabbath, in a way....it is interesting that I'm receiving the gift of time and silence and rest - the things I craved only a few weeks ago! - and I don't know what to do with myself.

Maybe this summer I'll actually try to find out.

Motivation

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Tue, 6 Jun 06 16:57:00 UT

Does anyone else in higher ed have a motivation problem in the summer? We have something like 50 students on campus this summer, and other than calls and emails from students, it is very lonely and quiet in my little office with its window unit.

I'm supposed to be doing a five-year evaluation of my program (yes, I know, doesn't it sound like fun!!!???) as well as my goals for the next year and my vision for the next five years, and all I want to do is read and drink coffee at Starbucks.

I know I'm crazy, but I can't wait for the students to come back!

Taize Part Two - The Anxiety Attack

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Tue, 30 May 06 16:11:00 UT

The day we left for Taize, I got a message from my boss that said, "Congratulations! Wanted to share that you were voted one of the ten top staffers at the university this year!" Since I basically haven't been voted anything since I got "Most Courteous" in High School (yes, you read correctly, most courteous, not most friendly!), I was rather proud of myself.

Then, we get back. I am so tired I can hardly see straight, but also overjoyed. I had just successfully taken 15 students to another freakin' country, all had survived, and most importantly, my husband and I had done all of this together and other than the mantra "I can't take him ANYWHERE!" when he would say something so outrageous to the students and those from other countries, we did really, really well.

(Ok, so I'll tell you about the time we lost a student for a couple of hours on the metro another time; and about the time I yelled at them, "If you are going to be so pissy about writing affirmations for each other, you can just hand the cards back to me!" - both were not high points in the trip, needless to say. But I won't dwell there today.)

Then, this article comes out about me in the alumni magazine - pretty much a puff piece in many ways, an introductory for the alums and such. Remember, the person they had here for two years was not such a great fit, so campus ministry needs a little good PR.

So it was surprising in a way, but totally like me, to be huddled in bed on Friday night at 7:00 pm barely able to breathe. W. came in and said, "You ok?" I said, "No, I think I'm having a panic attack." Then, through shallow breathing and a few tears, I began to freak out.

You see, I'm good at starting things. Getting people excited. Thinking creatively and outside the box. The semester-at-a-time thing really works for me because I'm not very good with follow-through (although my "J" friends have told me I've gotten much better at this, and being a mother helps because, hey, you have to feed your kid at some point.)

What set this off, though, is a bit of a long story, but suffice it to say that I thought I was going to get in trouble for something I had done (doesn't look like I am...) but it led me to the fetal position on Friday night - I told W., "There is no way we can top this year! There is no way things could be better! It's all going to fall apart and then they won't love me!"

Yes, I can be a bit dramatic.

W. was wonderful talking me down from the ledge, and having a fellow university person from a university up the road email her wisdom helped quite a bit as well. (Thanks, MB!)

There is something in me that has always wanted the good press, but at the same time in some way it all feels a bit false as well. I find when I feed into it, allow it to confirm my self worth, everything goes to hell in a handbasket pretty quickly.

It was good to read RM's and ChicagoRev's sermons this week, put things back in perspective for me. It's also been good to read Brother Roger's biography, for somehow he was able to receive the accolades and meet with the Pope but also make sure that he was just one of the brothers offering hospitality to the many who came to Taize. He was also able to make sure that the children in the community sat with him every night. He was also able to allow the brothers translating things he said to make changes "if they could say it better than he."

He was able to be himself, just himself, and allow others to be themselves as well. And because of that, all of them could serve Christ just as they were.

That is what I'm striving for.

Home from Taize!

chaplainmom@gmail.com — Thu, 25 May 06 16:15:00 UT

We are back - we have been home since about 9:00 pm on Monday night - and other than exhaustion, I can say this trip was pure gift.

First, to get the big question out of the way, "How was A.?" He is GREAT! He now sleeps in his big boy bed and has grown up so much in the last two weeks. His vocabulary is larger, he's even gotten a bit taller we think! It is obvious that he is glad we are home - as we are as well - but he is one resilient little boy.

Now, the student we had staying with him? She cared for him, which we are grateful for, but hearing her cry because she is overwhelmed as we prepare to take off on a 9 hour flight and she's only been with your son for 4 hours...can we just say this was the low point in the trip? After sobbing for half an hour in the bathroom on the plane, things began to look up.

In many ways, so much happened on this trip for me personally, I don't really even have words yet. The quiet and peaceful witness of the brothers in Taize, the music, the silence, the study, the simplicity, even the food!, allowed for something in me to shift. A true trust in - reliance on - God came in a way that is deeper than I can name. Not an "everything will be wonderful" kind of trust, but a peace that surpasses understanding. Two examples to illustrate this:

I grew up Southern Baptist (although the church I grew up in was one of the first to become Cooperative Baptist). The language of submission to God, surrender, etc...was very much a part of my discipleship. When I was in college, it manifested itself in a somewhat "I'm clinging to Jesus" kind of way - a sort of desperate holding of the Holy. In many ways, I would claim the love God had for me but never allowed myself to believe it at a deep level.

Several years ago, after allowing that grace to claim me in many ways through seminary and such, I went to a spiritual director for the first time and shared with her that I wanted to explore some of these things on a new level - particularly surrender and submission. Not in an "I suck" kind of way, but in a way of trust.

She was totally not able to go there, and basically told me that I didn't need to submit to any man or feel inferior, etc... Truthfully, things I had worked on in therapy over the years, so I knew from what she was reacting; however, I came away sad that I couldn't somehow explore these disciplines in a deeper way without feeling like I had to go back to feeling like crap about being a woman - about being myself.

In Taize, I found I was able to explore a deeper trust in, surrender to, God. Because I have been made in God's image, I want to draw closer to the "contours of God" as one of the Brothers put it. I want to draw close and be changed - be at peace.

The second example was through the maze and frenzy of the Paris airport as we were desperately trying to get through security and to our plane on time. (Note to self, get there 3 hours early instead of just 2!). I found myself somewhat anxious, but singing this song the whole morning. "La ju da vendra del Senyor..." is how it begins. Over and over, through the lines, through the waiting, finally when the whole group met at the gate and the plane was delayed so we had time to eat.

I then asked the students if anyone remembered the translation into English of this song, and one took out her songbook and it is "My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." That was what I was singing all through the airport, that was my prayer. That was what I held onto as we got on the plane to come home.

That is what, I pray, I think I'll continue to hold on to.