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I've been wrestling and thinking and contemplating for several months about work.

You've all been here for part of that.

I don't know if I have expressed it fully but I love my job.

A year ago I was saying, 'I finally found where I belong.'

And then, one day - out of the blue it seemed - I simply didn't want to do it any more.

"What's up with this?" I thought.

I thought it was spring fever.

Burn out maybe.

I thought time off would help.

I thought the title change would do it.

I thought a side hobby would help.

Then it occurred to me yesterday - after two really nasty karma days - -

I've lost my edge.

I am a reporter without an edge.

I feel like Austin Powers without his mojo - - only I didn't know I had a mojo, and didn't realize how far I had gone without it.

If you have been keeping up with TheLoneMethRanger and GrantsvillesNews blogs here at journalscape, you will note that we have (alleged) cops stealing guns, cops taking advantage of women under them in home confinement, cops lying about other media, cops wrecking cruisers, magistrates stealing money...

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

* sigh *

I have covered very little, if any, of it in our newspaper.

We have a bus driver suspended for getting a student pregnant (allegedly), an all star athelete who played all year but didn't graduate, the sheriff has been living in the courthouse annex, and a new Chief of Police who is being described repeatedly as "rude."

* sigh *

Again, hardly anything in the newspaper.

You see, before I knew anyone in Calhoun, I cared about injustice. Before I found out all the cops were liars, I wasn't afraid. Before I discovered that no amount of words will spur this community into action, I felt I could make a difference.

I can't afford speeding tickets and insurance increases. My wonderful husband, a simple country man, cannot fend against the mind games of police intimidation.

I can't handle people expecting me to be an 'investigative reporter' in a county that is run by its own set of rules. Can't deal with diplaying people's lies and faults - or even researching to see if I can justify their behaviour...Making lives worse... Never better.

People won't read good news, you know. Sales only go up when you really slam someone or get some good dirt.

And frankly, I simply can't keep up with all the crap.

We live in a police state with dirty cops and a corrupt system.

We live in a community that thrives with prejudices against blacks, gays, hippies, poor, rich, and even north against south.

We live where less than half read a newspaper, more than half have diabetes, more than 60% are obese, and more than 70% smoke.

Dogs are dropped off, abandoned, beaten and starved. So are some children.

People here cheat on their husband on Saturday night, and sing in the church choir on Sunday morning.

They speak respectfully of the dead at the funeral, then question where people slept at night while visiting the man's home and his deathbed.

Nearly everyone of some position cheats and lies, or looks the other way. . .

Even me.

And nothing changes.

And nothing gets better.

And it just never ends.

*sigh *

I've lost my mojo.

And I can't go back in time to get it back.

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Want to know more about DeLaHaye? Visit her web site at WV Travelers , or her online store at Impecunious Impressions, or read her weekly column at The Calhoun Chronicle.