Boy, has this been a rough week or what?

I can't even say what the hardest part has been, it's just all sucked. Sucked hardcore.

It's not that I didn't know I was gonna lose my Gramma eventually, but no matter how much you know something, it doesn't change your reaction to the situation.

Gramma is continuing with her radiation treatment. She did tell Mommie yesterday that she's not sure if she can make it, she said she's not even sure if she can make it to my baby shower on Sunday. Mommie told her that was fine, she didn't have to.

I know that if Gramma dies before Muffin is born I will be okay. I'll be okay because she will still be there with me. I know my Gramma is never going to leave me, whether she's here physically or not, so it's okay. All I want is for my Gramma to be okay. I don't want her in pain, I don't want her suffering, but she is a stubborn one, and she'll do what she wants regardless.

I didn't meet Gramma until I was thirteen years old. I have now had eleven years with her. I have made the most of that time, and I'm grateful for that. You know, it feels longer than eleven years, but it feels much shorter than that too.

I remember going to visit her every Sunday with Mommie. I remember trips to the dollar store, garage saleing, I remember Christmases and thanksgivings at the house in Moravia. I remember Bean and I staying the night at her house to make Chritmas cookies.

That Christmas cookie night man, whoo, she worked our asses off. Bean and I were in charge of decorating the cookies and every time I thought we were close to being done, here comes Gramma with another plate that just came out of the oven. :)

We were up decorating those cookies until like 2 in the morning, and even then we still weren't finished with all of them. But she had mercy on us and let us go to sleep.

**

Death is a funny thing, not funny ha ha. It has a way of pulling out of people who they are at the core. It is the ultimate truth. I'm not just talking about the one doing the dying, I'm also talking about the people around as well. The family, the friends. It's a hell of a way to see who someone really is. I can't say I haven't been dissapointed, but such is life. Some of the behavior was not unexpected, but it doesn't make it any less dissapointing.

**

I will never be able to explain how priveledged I feel to have been able to know Gramma. I look at her and I don't even know what I feel. She's taught me a lot, a ton, about a lot, and I have a funny feeling she's not done with the teaching. I'm honored to say that she is a piece of me and I will have a piece of her with me always.

A wonderful friend of mine called a few days ago and the first thing she said when I answered is "are you okay?" I told her that it was not okay, but that I was okay. I told her I was okay only because I have no other choice. I mean, I know there is another choice, but not for me. I have no choice but to be okay. I will be okay for myself, for Muffin, and for Gramma. I will be okay because life goes on and I need to go on with it. I will be okay because Gramma, although she is this >< close to the end can still kick my ass, and she would if I chose to not be okay.

I do cry, and I will cry more before this is done. I cry because I will miss her here. I cry because I know there will be times when I want to see her and I can't. I cry because there will be times when I want to hear her voice, or try to make her laugh so hard she pees her pants and I can't. I cry for all the selfish reasons people cry when they lose someone they love. The important thing is that I will not let those reasons keep me from moving on and appreciating her memory instead of mourning her death.

For me, the waiting is the hardest part.