I’ve opened a window here to blog about a dozen times in the last few days, but I’m not quite sure what I want to say.

Gramma made it to the shower and it was wonderful. I had such a good time and I think everyone else did as well. Cameron’s mommy is awesome, what she did for all of us was wonderful and all I can think to do is pay it forward in any way I can.

Mommie and I also have some ideas for a thank you present as well.

Gramma is still going to her radiation treatments. When they are done, she’ll meet with her oncologist and they’ll decide then whether she gets more chemo or not. I can’t even begin to guess what she’ll decide to do so I’m not going to try. All I’m going to do is hope that she is happy as each day goes by.

She might make it to see Muffin yet; I won’t put anything past her. I’m not expecting her to make it that far, but I wouldn’t be disappointed, or surprised if she did. She is the strongest person I’ve ever known. As each day goes by she shows that strength more and more. It really is an amazing thing to see.

Muffin is getting bigger and I’ve had a few Braxton-Hicks contractions. They hurt a little, but they make me nauseous. I don’t like the nauseous feeling, but at least I can be somewhat prepared if real labor makes me feel that way too. I’m not looking forward to the actual labor part of this whole process, but I am terribly excited for the end result.

Mommie has been helping me get everything ready for Muffin. She bought two carts with wheels on them that she organized with Muffins diapers and clothes and blankets. That way I can keep one downstairs and one in the closet upstairs and then no matter where I am I don’t have to go running all over the house to get Muffin his stuff.

It has been really great having Mommie at the house, but I wish it were under better circumstances. She’s tired and she’s sad and I hate to see her that way. The hardest part is that I can’t make her feel any better about what’s going on. All I can do is try to take care of her the ways I know how and hope that it helps at least a little.

I guess I just feel very frustrated right now. I have so much to do and my time limit for some of these things is drawing to a close. I want to make it better for Mommie and I can’t do that. I wish I was in a better position to be able to help the people I love more than I can now, but I can’t. And amidst all of these things, I’m trying to keep my shit together and take care of Muffin and myself.

I guess the frustration comes from having all of these things in front of me and not knowing which ones to devote my attention to. I have so little energy at a time when I want to do so much, that is hard to deal with.

I’ll do the best I can and I’ll hope that it is enough. That’s all I’d be able to do if I wasn’t pregnant anyway.

The universe has been beating me over the head with the idea that they know what they are doing and I should just listen to them and go with the flow for as long as I can remember. My usual response to this is to stick out my tongue and tell them to stick it you know where, but maybe this time I’ll try not to be so stubborn and I’ll listen to them.

I’m not making any promises about how much or for how long I might listen, you know how the stubbornness thing goes in my family. :)

But like everything else, I’ll give it my best try and hope it’s enough.