Girl Child

Sad family

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Thu, 28 Aug 08 23:17:00 UT

Well, I donât know if itâs National Asshole Day or what, but the crazies are sure coming out of the woodwork.

I donât why some people behave the way they do, Mommie doesnât have an answer for me, and I donât think Iâll have one for my son either.

In a time a grief a family should come together and support each other. Despite what some people think, Mommies family and my family have. To anyone who finds themselves outside of this fact, you donât have to read between my lines, it simply means that you are not family.

Iâm sorry, but just because you may be genetically linked to some people does not make them family. Mommie and I have talked a lot about what makes a family, and it was also something we used to talk about with Gramma.

Gramma understood.

I will say that personally I donât believe that Mommieâs youngest brother is a nice person. You see, for me he was non-existent until Mommie, Sissy, and I moved to Kentucky. Then, all of a sudden we were supposed to be a family. I ask, where his ass was the first 18 years of my life?

The thing about him that still sticks in the back of my throat, the one fact that I have not forgotten with all my dealings with him, is that he was Very good friends with my father. Growing up I couldnât understand why, but from the contact that I have had with him, it is blatantly obvious why they were friends. Those two people (I will not call them men because they havenât earned that right) were cut from the same cloth.

Like speaks to like, thatâs all Iâm saying. And I guess Iâm also saying that Iâm glad I remembered the fact that they were friends. It explains a lot about each of their characters.

Mommies youngest brother is no more my family than a stranger passing on the street. Interestingly enough, I feel the same way about my father. Coincidence, when you get two very similar people in a situation, not so much.

You see, Mommie and I have dealt with cruelty from people who were supposed to be our âfamilyâ for many years. Does it still sting, of course. But the important thing is that we know who our family is.

All of you here on JS are a huge part of that family. You have been with us, Mommie, Gramma, and me too, for years. You have supported and loved us all unconditionally. You have been there for the tears and heartache, and for the laughs and giggle snorts too. Thatâs what makes a family.

I am blessed that I donât have to have anything to do with Mommieâs younger brother, or the woman he married. And I am even more blessed that I have all of you.

Honestly, I think I got a good deal. I traded those two, for all of you. Talk about a bargain.

I told Mommie the other day, that as I get older, my family seems to grow smaller. I lose more and more people who should love and take care of me no matter what. But, I have gained so much too. My family isnât as big as it once was, but its filled with so much more kindness and caring than I ever really hoped to have.

And Iâm so excited to be adding another member to the bunch. Muffin is due in about a week. I canât even believe that. Saying it out loud seriously blows my mind. What makes me the most excited is that he will be coming into a family of such love. That really is the greatest gift I can give him, and youâre all helping me to do that.

I just wish that people paid more attention to their own lives and stopped poking Mommie.

I told Mommie I was going to buy her a shirt that said âPoke at your own riskâ

Sounds like a good Christmas present.

You learn

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Tue, 26 Aug 08 09:55:00 UT

I'm starting to find the light in all of this. Is it hard to see?

Very, but that's what I believe Gramma would want me to be doing, so I'm doing it.

I'm trying to learn from all of this, especially this.

Alanis Morissette
You Learn lyrics

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

Grieving for Gramma has been hard, but has taught me a lot. I am as strong as I thought I was and she had so much to do with that. I think that is the most precious gift she gave me. It is also a gift I think I will use often, and Iâll remember her every time I do. I feel so lucky to have known her.

I have had my moments of breath stopping grief, but Iâm working through it. Sometimes the tears threaten to choke me, but Iâm handling it all one little step at a time and it is getting better. It is getting better.

I think about Gramma, and Mommie and I talk about her and I smile, even laugh. Laughing and meaning it is the hardest part to find sometimes. But Mommie and I have both been able to do it. Not much of it because the hurt is still there and very raw and new, but we havenât lost ourselves in it.

I choose to be okay because for me there isnât another choice. I owe it to Grammaâs memory to be her granddaughter, and thatâs who Iâll be. I know she would be proud of me.

Iâm praying that she is in a better place, and I honestly believe she is. I pray that her and Muffin get some good visiting done before he gets here. I pray that Gramma finds all the peace in death that she didnât have in life. God knows sheâs earned it.

I canât ask for more support and love than Iâve received already. My family here on JS has been instrumental in helping me, and Mommie through all of this. Even in my grief, I feel blessed and I try to hold on to that feeling and it helps me.

Death, after all, is just another part of life. We will all experience it in some capacity, at some time or another. There is no way out of it, there is no way around it. So, in my opinion, the best way is to just deal with it the best way you can, and continue to move forward with your life.

Thatâs what Iâm trying to do, move forward with life. My own and the one growing inside me. My son has no idea how much he has already done for my life and Iâm not sure he ever will.

He is the most wonderful, amazing, scary gift ever. If he can know even a small part of the love I have known in my life I know he will be okay.

Weâll all be okay. Maybe not today, but there is always tomorrow.

It does get better, surprisingly enough.

Rest in peace

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Fri, 22 Aug 08 17:55:00 UT

I don't really know what to say because I can't get a handle on how I feel.

Gramma is gone, she took her leave of us today and I feel the loss so greatly.

Feeling life and death so close together is harder than I thought it would be. I know sheâll help guide my son here, and heâll help receive her as they pass each other.

Iâm going to try to take comfort in the fact that she is the first one he got to meet.

And I know sheâll always be with me.

I love you Gramma, I miss you, and someday Iâll see you again.

<3

First of many

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Wed, 20 Aug 08 22:28:00 UT

So, Iâm sitting here at the work computer for the last hour of my last shiftâ¦for now.

It will all hit me tomorrow when 2 oâclock rolls around and I donât have to get ready for work, and itâs hitting me a little bit right now.

I donât think Iâd miss it as much if the staff here wasnât so good to me. Damn people being nice and taking care of me, now look what theyâve done!

My boss told me again today that if I ever need anything to let him know. He also said that if I ever want to stay at the hotel to just call him and let him know. He also wanted my permission to leave my phone number at the desk in case anyone had any questions and they couldnât get a hold of him or Ms. P. I told him that it would be fine, and that it meant a lot to me, that everything has meant a lot to me. He doesnât do goodbyes, so he told me to come visit and bring the baby and then he left.

Ms. P got a little teary when she was leaving, and I did too. I will see these people, but it will be different to not see them every day. I love Ms. P, she is a fabulous lady and I look forward to many years of friendship with her outside the hotel.

Other than that, Iâve tried to treat today like any other day (even though every time I do something I can hear a tiny voice in the back of my head saying âthat will be the last time you do that hereâ) and itâs working okay. Like I said, I donât think it will fully hit me until tomorrow.

I will say that I will remember this place fondly for the rest of my life. When Muffin is old enough to ask me about the time I was pregnant with him, I look forward to telling him about this place and how much I loved working here. Iâll tell him how much everyone here cared about him, and me, and how excited they all were along with me.

But, for now, I move on to the next transition knowing that this is only the first of many.

Last one's coming

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Tue, 19 Aug 08 17:04:00 UT

Tomorrow will be my last day of work here at the hotel. For some reason, itâs hit me today and Iâm trying not to be too sad about it. But, I am really sad about it. I love working here, I love it and Iâm going to miss it very much.

Maybe if I get it all out of my system now, I wonât fall to pieces tomorrowâ¦

That sounds good in theory, but I donât think itâs going to work that way. It will be hard when Ms. P leaves her shift when I come on at 3, sheâs just as sad to see me go as I am to be going. Then it will be hard again when I clock out for the last time. I think Iâll cry some when I first get here tomorrow, but I think I can hold the rest of it in until I leave. Then Iâll go home and be sad for a bit and move on to whatâs next.

I canât help but feel a little stupid that I am this attached to my job that Iâm going to be crying when I leave. I mean, no one I know likes their job. No one I know would do anything but jump for joy if they didnât have to go to work and here I am trying not to break down and sob about leaving work to have a baby.

Maybe I have issues.

Or, maybe I just got really lucky and ended up with a job that was a good match for me. I do feel lucky to be working here, especially with being pregnant and everything. The staff here has been so good to me this whole time. You know, they were that good to me even before I was pregnant.

I love the staff. Iâll miss them the most.

And I know Iâll miss all kinds of other little things about the job. Iâll miss the regular guests that come in, Iâll miss fixing problems, working things out, taking care of people who appreciate it.

I donât think thereâs any surprise that there I things that I wonât miss. I wonât miss rude guests, or people who try to lie to get a discount. I wonât miss the dang blasted phone ringing and driving me crazy. But in a sad way, I will miss those things a little too. They have been too much a part of my almost daily routine for me to not sense their absence in my day. But, these are things I wonât be so sad about missing.

I guess I will just have to focus on filling my days with new routines. I donât think that will be too hard with a newborn in the house. I have a feeling he will be keeping my days pretty full.

Three weeks (or less, or maybe a little more) from now and I will get to meet my son. I canât even explain how excited I am about that. The anticipation is killing me, I want to see him and hold his tiny hands. I really want to know what he looks like. The first time I get to look at his little face will be one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I am really looking forward to it.

I guess this is the hardest transitional part of this pregnancy for me so far. This is when the big shift starts to happen between my life before Muffin and my life after Muffin. So, for the next three weeks Iâll have some time at home to reorganize my thoughts and feelings a little to prepare for Muffins arrival.

And Iâll have three weeks of waiting. Watching and waiting for him to make his appearance. I think these three weeks will be the hardest ones, but I know itâs all worth it.

A rough one coming

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Sat, 16 Aug 08 09:18:00 UT

Mommie needs some seriously good vibes today, itâs going to be a rough one for her unfortunately.

I feel like Iâm failing miserably at helping her through this whole thing.

We just need some help today, and hope that tomorrow might be better.

But for right now all I have is this:

My glass

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Thu, 14 Aug 08 20:50:00 UT

I would say that Iâm happy itâs Thursday because that means that tomorrow is my day off, except with everything I have to do tomorrow itâs not going to feel like a day off.

I only have two doctors appointments this Friday instead of the three I had last Friday, so thatâs a plus. So, I go to the OB/GYN in the morning then itâs up to the hospital yet again for my NST.

I canât tell you how happy I will be when all this going to the doctor thing is over.

After all the appointments, weâre meeting MDâs grandma for lunch. She just got back from a weeks visit to California and she wants to catch up with us and probably bring us some souvenirs. She really is a very sweet lady, and probably the only member of MDâs family that Iâve never felt like strangling, so thatâs a plus too.

After all of that, I would like to come home and take a nap. But, I would also like to get some work done on my MT class, straighten up the house a bit, and get the painting of the lion done (which would be pretty good considering I havenât even started it yet).

So, I have a full plate, weâll see what gets eaten and what I leave for later.

**

I have four more shifts here at the hotel and then Iâm out. This realization makes me happy and sad and scared. It also makes me a little more prone to giving guests a taste of their own medicine. For the last few days, when someone has gotten attitude with me, Iâve given the same back. It is a very freeing experience to be able to do that and not fear repercussions. I would never engage in an activity that would hurt the hotel, but surprisingly enough, giving the attitude back to these people has made them better guests. I donât know if itâs because they recognize their behavior as inappropriate when they hear me speak like they do or what. I donât really care why it works, Iâm just happy it does.

The other thing is that Iâve been taking less crap from people over the phone. I had a lady that called today and wanted a room. She said she knew someone who worked for a company that has an account here and she wanted their rate. I told her flat out, you donât work for this company, you cannot have the rate.

I think under normal circumstances, I would have tried to be polite and understanding, not because I really felt that way, but because I would have felt that it was required of me. But, thinking about it, what do I have to lose telling guests the truth in a blunt fashion.

I guess what I enjoy about it is that I can finally be honest in a way that I donât feel I can be normally. Iâm leaving this job anyway, so if a guest gets a little pissy itâs hardly the end of the world. I finally feel free enough to be more myself behind the desk rather than this robot, zombie, customer service representative.

I think I might write a letter to all the major hotel chains and explain to them how behaving in a more direct, less false, way towards guests might actually improve their guest satisfaction.

Maybe I can convince them to pay for me to stay in lots of hotels to conduct a series of social experiments on whether this direct approach is as good as I think it is.

If that doesnât work out, I guess Iâll just become a televangelist.

And if that doesnât work either, Iâll stick to my MT training.

For now I leave you with this:

more cat pictures

Despair

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Wed, 13 Aug 08 21:47:00 UT

I would like to say that I love despair.com. I first discovered it when Lisa posted a picture on her blog from there.

This was the picture:

From the first moment I clicked on that site, I have felt at home. I think a lot of people would go there and feel worse aferwords.

Me, I feel so much better after I read all those demotivators. I think there are a few reasons why I love them so much.

One reason is that they remind me that everyone elses life is crap, not just mine. It helps me to not feel alone. It reiterates that those of us on the verge of going crazy are the majority and that makes me happy.

The other main reason is that I find them all hysterical, yes, but true as well. The side of my personality that hates EVERYTHING, and I really do mean EVERYTHING, eats this stuff up. That pessimistic, sarcastic side reads these little phrases and it serves almost like reinforcement that she is right after all.

And like I already said, I think they are hysterically funny.

My sense of irony loves them because they are called "demotivators" yet they don't demotivate me, they don't make me feel worse, they make me feel better. I love it.

So, anyway, my tribute to despair, which we all feel at times. In moments of despair I have felt very alone. Thanks to this website, I'll never have that problem again.

Oh, and if anyone wants to know what's on my Christmas list, I can tell you, every single one of the demotivators. :)

What bothers me today

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Tue, 12 Aug 08 18:16:00 UT

I am sick of people who pretend to be good Christians.

Let me tell you a story about what happened to me today. Iâm at work (where else would I be) and the phone rings. Normal daily activity for one who works at the front desk of a hotel. There is a man on the line who says he is with a local church and he needs to speak with a manager. I informed him that there was not a manager available, but that he could call back in the morning. He said it couldnât wait until morning, he told me again he was from a local church and he needed a few rooms for tonight.

So far, no big deal.

He asked me what the best rate was that we could give him, reminded me again that heâs with a church and also told me that he would be tax exempt. I told him I could give him the state rate (which is the lowest rate we offer) on the rooms he needed. The state rate is $70; he said he was looking for something more around the budget of $30 a room because he is with the church. I told him $65 was really the lowest I could go, he starts to get a little peeved and explains to me that he is just a part of the church and their budget is very strict, he just wants these guests of the church to stay somewhere nice, blah, blah, blah. I told him again that $65 flat was the best I could do. He drops the rate haggling for a moment and says that he wants to pay for the rooms with a personal check, but because heâs a member of the church I can just act like itâs a church check.

Let me point out the problems with his last statement.

Number one, heâs told me about a million times that heâs from a church, yet heâs trying to engage in something dishonest. Trying to pass a personal check off as a check from your church doesnât sound like the most âchurch-likeâ behavior to me.

Number two, we do not accept personal checks. I probably would have been able to take a check from the church, but I canât accept a personal check. Especially not from someone who is already pissy because he has to pay $65 for a room he only wanted to pay $30 for.

So, I kindly tell him about our personal check policy, and he tells me again that WE could just SAY it was from the church.

Oh, can WE?

I think not.

I told him under no circumstances would I accept a personal check from him for payment for the rooms he needed.

Like a good Christian, he hung up on me.

This, in my opinion, is evidence of someone who is only pretending to believe in the Christian God because they are afraid of hell. This man has completely missed the entire lesson of Christianity.

Does this surprise me?

Sadly, no. Most of the Christians I have known have been this way. They will judge and condemn you for the slightest infraction in what they believe the laws of God are, but itâs okay for them to make a few little allowances, or completely discard everything about there faith when itâs convenient for them.

This behavior irritates me immensely.

As far as Iâm concerned, if you donât want to follow the rules to a certain religion, donât belong to that faith. Instead, people try to mold Christianity to whatever they want it to be. All they end up doing, in my opinion, is pretending to believe, to have faith, to live by the laws they have accepted. Itâs just a big, fat, sham.

**

On the other hand, I have no problem whatsoever with people who honestly believe their faith and live itâs practice.

These people are honest and kind, they donât ask me to participate in lies and then hang up on me when I refuse to do so.

The people I work for are believers of karma. They know that what you put out there comes back to you. But, unlike a lot of the Christians I have known, they arenât nice to people for fear that in their next life they will come back as a sea slug. Their religion, through the tool of karma, teaches them the importance of treating people with decency and respect. Thatâs why they do it, because itâs the right thing to do.

And Iâm sure earning a few extra karma points doesnât hurt anything either.

But for me, thatâs the whole point of religion, to take the stories and apply them to they way you should be behaving.

While I have never met Jesus personally, I think I have a pretty good understanding of him. After all, his message was a simple one. Simple as it may have been, that hasnât stopped us from screwing it all up in the many years that have passed since his death.

I am pretty sure that Jesus would probably be quite pissed off (well, heâs Jesus, maybe he doesnât get pissed, but Iâm sure he would be disappointed at least) that people choose to judge and condemn each other instead of love and embrace each other, and that they do all of this in His name. Talk about the Gospel all you want and how much you love God, but it means nothing until you get out there and start actually treating your neighbor as if you love them as yourself. Thatâs all he wanted. He wanted us all to realize that we are from the same; we should love one another as the same.

Like I said, uncomplicated when Jesus says it, then you get all these other people putting there whole spin on it and next thing you know weâll be burning people at the stake again.

I guess after all of this rambling, what pisses me off the most about religion is that we could all be using it (all of it, every different kind there is to include people who are not spiritual in any way) to bring people together, and instead all it seems to be is a dividing force in our world.

If this is Godâs master plan, Iâm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I see some very serious design flaws here. Maybe someone should bring that to his attention before they get any worse.

Bless you, each and every one of you.

And I mean that.

What's new

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Mon, 11 Aug 08 16:35:00 UT

So, whatâs new?

Yeah, nothing really new with me either. Iâm starting to feel very pregnant now, but surprisingly Iâm not as uncomfortable or irritable as I thought I would be at this stage. Here I built these last few months up to something close to hell, and I actually feel pretty good. I am tired, I pee all the time, and my hips are hurting pretty bad almost constantly, but I can deal with all these things. None of them are as bad as I feared they would be by this point.

I think Iâm starting to understand how people with chronic pain, like arthritis for instance, feel on a daily basis. Like I said, my hips hurt me all the time and sometimes the pain radiates down into my knees. Itâs usually worse when Iâm sleeping (how nice for me) but I feel it all day long. That kind of slow achy pain is not fun under normal circumstances, itâs even less fun when you have a bowling ball rolling around in your tummy.

I have enjoyed so much of this pregnancy and Iâm so happy Iâve been able to do that. Iâve let my body take itâs own course through this whole thing and Iâve kind of just sat back and watched as a spectator. Iâve tried to pay attention to the changes and store them away to remember years from now when Muffin first goes to school, or comes home with a girlfriend. Those will be the times when I look at him and remember how small he once was, or the first time I felt him move in my tummy. I know I wonât remember everything, but I really wish I could. Being pregnant, for me, has been a wonderful experience and Iâm happy that Iâve tried to enjoy all of it, even the not so enjoyable parts.

Four weeks left and I should have a baby. Hard for me to believe that is true, even now. I know heâs in there and I know heâs got to come out, but the reality of the situation still has not hit me. Iâm getting more and more excited to meet him and see what he looks like. I canât wait to see him. No matter how excited I am I still have this nagging fear that something will go terribly wrong and Iâll come out of this whole thing empty handed. Being so close to the birth, and making it through so much of the pregnancy, now Iâm afraid that something bad will happen. Iâve never been more aware of the fragility or the miracle of human life, and I just want everything to be okay. It would be nice if there were some kind of guarantee for that, but Iâll make due without one.

Gramma is still fighting to make it to see Muffin. I havenât had my hopes up, because if she doesnât quite get there I donât want to be disappointed. On the other hand, I want to have faith that she has the strength of will to make it to that day. Itâs a hard line to walk, especially with your hormones a little out of whack, but I think I have a decent handle on it for now.

I will work for another week and a half, then Iâll be home waiting until Muffin comes. Iâm not really excited about the waiting part, but Iâm hoping I can be busy enough with getting everything ready and continuing with my transcription training that the time goes by smoothly.

So, physically I feel pretty good, but I do feel uneasy. Only a few more weeks to go before heâs born, then I can get on with everything.

I know Iâve said it probably 100 times, but waiting really is the hardest part.

My plans

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Thu, 7 Aug 08 20:26:00 UT

Lucky me, I have three doctors appointments tomorrow. The first one is at 9am, MD and I go in to see the pediatrician and get all set up for her to check Muffin out at the hospital after he is born. That one should only take 15-20 minutes.

After that I have an appointment at the OB/GYN. Theyâll tell me how my Group B strep test came back, take my blood pressure and weigh me. So far I have gained a total of 14lbs during the pregnancy. It has really surprised me that I didnât gain a lot more than that. I eat like a piggy, but I guess Muffin is in there stealing all my nutrients.

After the OB/GYN, I have another NST at the hospital. Hopefully Muffin is a good boy and moves around a lot so I can get out of there in a decent amount of time. The last two times Iâve gone, Muffin has been very good. MD has been having talks with him while Iâm hooked up to the monitors. MDâs been talking to my little baby Muffin about all the girls heâs going to date after heâs born. He sits there and gives him tips on picking up girls, and all that crap while I stare in horror. And the funniest part of it is that Muffin responds to these types of conversations. At my last NST, Muffin wasnât moving around a whole lot when we first got there. I was talking to him and telling him to move for me and he sat perfectly still until MD started telling him about all the âhot chicksâ Muffin could âget withâ. MD says just those few things and Muffin is rolling around like a deep-sea diver in there.

I try to tell myself that maybe Muffin was just responding to MDâs voice, but when MD talked about something else it didnât have the same effect. Iâm going to have to have some serious talks with Muffin, and MD about this whole âhot chicksâ thing. For one thing, there will be no dating of lots of âhot chicksâ. Iâll kill them both if I catch my little baby Muffin out with anybody.

I already know that Iâm going to want him to stay my baby forever. Part of me says thatâs not possible, but the other part says that the first part is full of crap, that Iâm his mother and I can do whatever I want. I think Iâd like to believe voice number two :)

So, after all the running around to the doctorâs appointments, Iâm going to go home and take a nap. After that I think I might start on my second painting for Muffin. The first one I did was of a little monkey. The next one I start is going to be a lion, and then Iâm going to paint a giraffe. Iâm never satisfied with my paintings, but MD and Mommie really like the way the monkey one came out.

There isnât too much left to do to prepare for Muffin. Not that Iâll ever feel prepared, no matter how much time I have, how many things I get and get organized, Iâll never feel totally prepared to become responsible for another human life. I think thatâs normal. Itâs a huge responsibility to care for someone elseâs well being, but I am so excited to do it.

**

Someone asked Mommie if Iâd be getting an epidural and Mommie told him she didnât think I planned on one. He said, âOh, sheâll get an epiduralâ and Mommie told him that I wouldnât if I didnât want to. He doesnât believe her.

Itâs not that I wonât get an epidural, and itâs not that I plan on one. The doctors have been telling me to write up a âbirth planâ that I can bring to the hospital with me. Iâve read online at a lot of sites and they all say the same thing, to put together a birth plan about whether you want pain medication or not, how you want the birth to go, so on and so on. I told Mommie today, my birth plan (and forgive me, but I donât think I need to write this one down) is to go to the hospital and have a baby. Thatâs my plan.

Step one of the plan, go to the hospital when Iâm in labor
Step two of the plan, have a baby.

Iâm not even trying to plan any other part of this whole thing because I know that I have no control over what will be happening. That is someone elseâs area. My job is to help Muffin get born, thatâs all. The other thing about coming up with a birth plan is that I donât want to get my expectations up for a âperfect birthâ and then be disappointed if it doesnât go that way. I would rather remain flexible and ride the whole birth thing out than plan the whole thing and feel powerless and scared because the actual birth isnât going according to the plan.

And, of course, I have this thing against making plans anyway. Iâve said it many times, I donât make plans because planning to make plans ruins my plans.

I feel like making a plan is an invitation for things not a part of the plan to take place.

So, I guess what Iâm trying to say is that I donât know if Iâll be getting an epidural, it depends on if I feel like I need one. And that pretty much goes for anything else that happens when I go to the hospital. I will just take every situation as it comes and decide the best course of action at the time.

Mommie and MD will be there with me too, so Iâll have support and love and other people who can pay attention to what the doctor says while Iâm imagining pushing a watermelon out of a standard garden hose.

Sometimes I wish I didnât have such a vivid imagination. :)

Me is sleepy

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Wed, 6 Aug 08 17:31:00 UT

I am more tired today than I thought. Mommie and I did lots of cleaning and organizing this morning. I feel so much better about the whole thing now that most of it is done. Iâm so afraid Iâm going to go into labor early and not have everything put away where I want. I know itâs silly, but I feel better now that most everything has itâs own place. I donât think I over did it, but I do think I underestimated how tired it would make me to do all that. Iâm at work now and Iâm dying up here. I feel like all Iâd need to do is put my head down on the desk and Iâd be out.

I donât think itâs helping that we are really slow today. Iâm not complaining about that because that means I can sit in my stool and rest a little. On the other hand, sitting here in my comfy stool, watching our bubble wall, and listening to the silence really is quite conducive to falling asleep.

Two weeks from now will be my last day of work here at the front desk of the hotel. I canât wait for those two weeks to be up so I can rest and relax a little, and I dread my last day cause I know it will make me sad to leave.

In this case Iâll gladly take the bad with the good. Thatâs the other reason Iâm hoping Muffin doesnât come early, I want a little bit of time to relax and get ready for the birth. Of course, it doesnât really matter what I want, heâll get here in his own sweet time, whether that be early, on time, or late. So, Iâll just continue on like I have been and wait to see what happens.

I am a patient person, but waiting wears on me. Thatâs one of the reasons Iâve decided to work as long as I have. I mean, it would be really nice to be able to take a nap in the afternoon, and organize all my baby stuff instead of coming to work, but I know sitting at home by myself all day would drive me crazy if I had to do it for too long.

For right now I want to get through the next two weeks and then rest.

Beyond that Iâm not even trying to think of right now, Iâll figure it out as I go.

Looking forward to coming back

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Mon, 4 Aug 08 16:54:00 UT

I have two and a half more weeks of work before I leave to relax a little before Muffin is born. Honestly, if I felt really good Iâd work right up to the day I went into labor. It makes me very nervous to not have a job. It worries me immensely to not have a second income coming in, especially with the added expense of a baby.

The other thing is that I really do like my job a lot and I know I'm going to miss it. I might come back to work here, probably part time if I do, after I have some recovery/bonding time with Muffin. A huge part of me wants to come back because I know I'll miss it and another part really just wants to work from home and focus on taking care of my family. I guess what I'll do is keep moving forward and see what happens then.

MD and I have done some planning and some saving, but it doesnât feel even close enough to being enough. He handles all the finances, everything, and I just finally told him last night that if he promises me weâd be okay that Iâll believe him. He told me that we would be fine, so Iâm trying really hard to keep up my end of that bargain. So far itâs not going as well as Iâd hoped.

Worry is something that I have struggled with my entire life. As a child I had severe problems with anxiety to include panic attacks, sleeplessness, and an overall sense of malaise related to the most basic of situation. When I was nine years old, Mommie bought me a set of âworry dollsâ. Who has to buy something like that for a nine year old? Anyway, they are just little stick dolls that you tell your problems to at night before you go to bed. Then, you put them under your pillow with the understanding that it is now their job to worry about your problems, and your job to try and get some sleep.

Some nights it helped, and sometimes it didnât.

I guess my point here is that I donât feel right unless I have something to worry about, whether it needs to be worried about or not. I understand that worrying doesnât help in any way, it doesnât solve or make better anything, but I still have some strange, compulsive need to do it anyway.

I have worked on this whole worrying myself sick (literally) problem for many years, and I have made some improvement. I am still a work in progress though, and I have moments where I struggle with it. Itâs not as bad as it used to be, but itâs worse than I would like it to be.

**

I think Mommie will probably be heading home tomorrow. Iâll be sad to see her go, I always am when she leaves, but sheâll be back in about a month to see little Muffin so that gives me something good to look forward to. Iâve really enjoyed having her at the house; she has been a tremendous help. She really has helped take some of the pressure off me in getting ready for Muffin and it came at a really good time.

Part of me is happy she is leaving. Iâm happy because I know she hates it in KY and I know she misses St. Louis. Hell, I miss St. Louis. I know that KY doesnât feel like home to her the way the Lou has and I can see it in her face the way this place drains something from her.

The situations we are in now are stressful and less than desired, but I think it helps to weather the storm when youâre in a place that feels comfortable, homey, and safe to you. I think she needs that kind of nurture now. As much as I love her and do my part to take care of her, she needs the nurture of St. Louis, so Iâm glad sheâll be going back for a little bit. And the next time she comes down, it will be for something happy, something new and exciting. Her next visit will be something to look forward to and I think we all need something to look forward to right now.

Overwhelmed, but not really

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Sat, 2 Aug 08 19:59:00 UT

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed today, then I had a talk with Mommie and I feel better now.

I feel scattered lately, like I have too many pieces spread out and I canât quite seem to keep track of them all. I think considering whatâs been going on that Iâm entitled to a little bit of scattering. I also think, after listening to Mommies infinite wisdom, that Iâm making myself feel more overwhelmed than I need to.

I donât have that much to finish before Muffin gets here. The nursery is almost done, including the decorations. All I need to do is finish the three paintings Iâm making to hang on the wall, and get the crib set up. After that, itâs all done.

Mommie has organized most of the Muffin stuff I have so far. I do need to reorganize my downstairs closet and the one upstairs too.

Other than those few little things, everything for Muffin is moving along quite nicely. I still need a few things for the little bugger. I would like to get a nursing pillow donut thing. Iâm registered for a green one that matches the nursery. I have a feeling that pillow will come in very handy. Mommie said she talked to our neighbors and they said they might get our baby monitor. MD is very excited about the baby monitor thing. A little nuts excited about it.

Let me tell you, he wanted to get the most expensive, high-tech, baby monitor ever made. It was like a security system. It had motion sensor, video monitoring, sound monitoring; I think he said it can retain its signal strength for like 500 feet and all kinds of crazy stuff.

All Iâm going to say is that weâre not getting that one. I thought it was a little over the top. I think a basic sound monitor and my own eyes are enough. The other thing is I donât know why MD even wanted such a high-tech monitor because I donât think heâs going to leave Muffin alone for even a minute. I joke with him all the time that when heâs home Iâm going to need a crowbar to see my own son.

I am so happy that MD is so excited about all of the baby stuff. I had a crappy father, who didnât even want to be a father. MDâs father story is pretty similar to mine except for the fact that after his parents got divorced, he never really saw his dad. Iâm happy that the âbad dadâ thing does not have to continue for another generation.

I feel like I have a tremendous opportunity here to raise a wonderful human being to then send out into the world. All the people I see at the hotel who have no manners, or are just plain mean are not the only people in the world. There are good people too, and I have a gift in my son. A gift of a life that I can help guide to a good place.

I canât think too much about all this cause Iâll start crying at work. Not that I donât do that all the time lately, but I try to keep it to a minimum.

Station Crazy Newscast #1

ladyofthedragons@gmail.com — Thu, 31 Jul 08 20:18:00 UT

Welcome to Station Crazy News here on Girl Child's I Have Hamsters Too at whatever time I feel like posting something, which puts me at about 7:17pm on Thursday evening.

This being our first broadcast lets start with:

In the Newest News: If your clicky finger is bored, Iâve added some new links for it to click on. These are links Iâm sure most of you have already visited, but I thought it was about time I got my lazy ass up and posted them here too.

Better late than never I always say when Iâm late, so Iâm saying it now too.

In Personal Thoughts News: Iâve also been thinking of other ways to help poor bored clicky fingers find these links full of fun things to click on. I go to these sites and click everyday. I started doing this to help The Empire of course, but now Iâm kinda addicted. I love to click on things. I have loved to click since I started using the internet and such things as internet ads were invented by someone who is obviously smarter than me. Anyway, my curiosity almost always gets the best of me and I need to click, click, click on all kinds of ads that I see. My favorite ones to click on are ones that have moving parts. Like something shiny that I catch out of the corner of my eye, I try to ignore it, but I just canât quite keep myself from sliding my eyes across the screen to get a better look. As I slide my eyes across my clicky finger knows whatâs coming and jumps a little in anticipation. I see the add, most of the time not even reading what itâs for (for Gods sake!) and before I know what happened Iâve clicked and been instantly transported to another site to peruse at my leisure.

My goodness, whatever would I do with my time without modern technology. If I actually believed that Al Gore invented the internet, I may have sent him a thank you card. Seeing as I believe heâs full of bull crap, Iâll save the cards for someone else.

Which reminds me, I need to fill out the thank yous for my baby shower. Remind me to do that please :)

And, in other breaking news here on station crazy news, I received a package today from UPS. YES I DID!!! Isnât it exciting? Bad part being I was at work when it came today and Iâm still at work now. Better part, Iâm opening that sucker as soon as I get home. I have a feeling a breast pump might be in there, but Iâll have to wait until I get home to see.

In Family News: I also want to say that I have yet to receive one. single. thing. from my fathers family. They have said they would be sending me something, but thatâs all I heard and I heard it back in April.

*I have to interrupt this programming to take care of a fax request for a guest. Please enjoy our sponsors during this break.

And weâre back. Anyway, what the hell was I talking about anyway? Oh, yeah, Family News. So, they promised me they would get me things for Muffin and I havenât heard a word about it since then. They havenât called me one time; instead they pass messages through my sister. Like itâs that hard to pick up the fricken phone people. In reality I donât need them. My real family has more than provided for me. This includes my friends, my peeps here on JS and their families, and my work family too. I know who loves me, and I feel blessed by all those who do.

In Muffin News: He gets the hiccups a lot lately. I hope that means heâs learning to breathe and get ready for his birthday. MD found a monkey costume in the Babies R Us flyer and Iâm definitely going to get it for Muffin for Halloween (which just happens to be my favoritist holiday ever).

Our final story tonight is an interesting tale of a girl gone mad. A girl who took to her blog to document a fake TV newscast she was having in her head. She feels much better now that she has and she knows that when she re-reads this sheâs going to laugh her ass right out of this stool here at work in front of everyone.

I canât think of a better way to pass the time.

Thank you for joining me during this broadcast. I look forward to many more in the future. This may be the only way for me to save my sanity, or toss the whole thing right out the windowâ¦Iâm not sure how it will go yet.

So, from Station Crazy News here on Girl Child's I Have Hamsters Too at 8:18pm on Thursday, this is Girl Child wishing you all healthy grasps of your baskets. :)