Working with struggling couples in my counseling practice has led me to become very interested in the nature of romance, the process of spouse selection, and the relationship between romance and marital success. I recommend the books of Helen Fisher and Pat Love about these subjects. I plan to write on these subjects as a way of clarifying and articulating what I have learned.

Romance between spouses is usually defined for them by their experiences in the first few months when they fell in love. Although their special version of romance is unique to every couple, there are common elements that usually cause love to grow. (These same elements can also be a source of problems later on.)
1. New lovers notice and enjoy the best parts of each other’s behavior and character (which can lead to ignoring rather obvious negative attributes)
2. They have increased energy and libido, reduced need for sleep, and obsessive preoccupation with the new lover (which can produce impulsive or uncharacteristic decisions, especially about sex)
3. They dream together about a wonderful, optimistic future (which can lead to wildly unrealistic plans)
4. They feel euphoria, head in the clouds, feet not touching the ground (which can lead to the false belief that love will always be exciting)
5. They have a strong desire for togetherness, hours of “just us” (which can lead to social withdrawal and damage other important relationships)
6. They make their courtship a highest priority (which can lead to one or both working too hard at the romance, with a level of effort that cannot be sustained)

Scientists who study human romantic attraction are learning more and more about the forces that shape our romantic feelings and influence our spouse selection. Clearly, how we behave in courtship and marriage is complex, but several influences seem apparent.
1.There is a chemical basis to “chemistry.” When we are close to attractive potential mates, the levels of important chemicals in our brains rise or fall to produce the high of infatuation. Since we humans are very good at habituating to anything we do repeatedly, this release of the brain chemicals of infatuation reduces gradually over time. Most couples can still experience some degree of the original romantic “spark” for about 6 months.
2.Although I never found a researcher who wrote about it, our desire for the experience of romantic chemistry explains for me the rather mystifying practice of kissing, which is often very important to lovers. By such close, intimate contact, both get a strong dose of the body chemistry of the other, which causes the release of infatuating brain chemicals. We have the capacity, below the level of conscious sensation, to identify people with whom we might have healthy children. If kissing proves to be unexciting, like “kissing my sister,” that is probably an indication that childbearing together is not a good idea.
3.Romantic behavior has real power to shape our wishes and choices. Time spent together for personal talk, physical touch, romantic closeness, and sexual arousal increases the desire in both men and women for the relationship to grow toward stronger intimacy and partnership. If we don’t want to get more deeply and emotionally involved with someone, romantic activities, although pleasant in the moment, are probably not a good choice. There is no such thing as “casual sex.”
4.People who lived before modern times believed that they could find their one “soulmate” and never feel that kind of romantic attraction toward another person. Songs, poetry, and romantic stories convey the idea that romantic success comes from finding that unique person with whom we can feel true love. For good or ill, it is not like that in our modern world, for the simple reason that we meet so many people. If soulmates are “one in a million,” then I have several such people just in Chicagoland, over 250 in this country, and some 5000 in the world. For us in the 21st century, romantic success is not so simple as finding the one cosmic match which makes life together happy ever after.
Copyright Gregg Dana 2007