Back to the real world, or so it is as I perceive it . . . .

So I have a do-over on the bar exam. That means that I can begin earlier to study, implement a real plan of attack so that I know what I am doing, and I know what I need to know better and how not to answer the PT and essay questions.

But I do not really want to study on many levels. I feel somewhat defeated. On the other hand, I kinda like going into this feeling like I might actually know what I am really doing this time.

But I guess I'm kind of wondering why I'm the type of person who almost always has to take the do-over. For once, can't I be the person who gets the information on how something is going to go or how something works before hand? I had to figure out law school and college and even high school with no help, and some things took multiple tries to get right. I'm that woman who must get something out on the very first day possible, because it will be sent back pretty soon, due to a person who does not understand something or an expired money order, et c. If I leave something to the last minute, it will get screwed up. Strike that. It will get screwed up, whether that is my fault of not-- although it typically is my fault. I'm a trial and error kind of girl.

I hate feeling that I am a slow learner, and repeater of things. I guess that is just who I am, and I am meant to be that way. People like me are important, too. I am not stupid, but I do go into things blindly-- sometimes in a panic, but I have learned creative ways around stumbling blocks, and I can learn from my mistakes. But, ya know, I really wouldn't have it any other way. The world needs people like me, too.

Love it, hate it-- This is me. I may wear a few extra pounds and have to learn the hard way, but I learn, and I get by. I might be just another statistic-- but aren't we all?

Before this turns into a pity party, let me just express that I am not sad. I am really pretty proud of myself. I might have taken 5 years to get through undergrad-- but I graduated with honors, and I finished law school in the recommended and "normal" three years' time. And I am still walking around, still creative, and still loved. And the latter will never change no matter how many times I have to try something again. And let's face it-- I'm downright cute on top of it all.

Why am I not sad? Because of something Bill Murray's character said in _Meatballs_. "It just doesn't matter!" My life will not end because I have to study for a while or have to spend two more days of my life in a testing site, experiencing again the mind-numbing reality that is the bar exam. In fact, this time it will be fun. I'll take my lunch. I will not have to stay in a hotel room, but my own apartment, and I know what I am doing. (And I won't feel tempted to read _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_--'cause I did that this time.) And, it is kinda neat. I get a do-over on a really big test. Don't you wish chemistry had been like that? Best of all-- I can put off entering the real world that grown-ups have to participate in for a few more months. I have managed to extend college/childhood a little longer. Don't you just wish you were me?

And I don't have to go around saying, "If I had it to do over again . . . ." I do, I will, and I can.

"Some people gotta learn the hard way.
I guess I'm the kind of [girl]
who had to find out for [her]self
I had to learn the hard way, Father--
I'm on my knees, and I'm crying for help. . . ."

-- _The Hard Way_
Performed by D.C. Talk; Written by D.C Talk (Toby K.M. MacKeehan, Kevin Max Smith and Michael Tait, now TobyMac, K-Max and Michael Tait of Tait, if there are other fans out there.) Changes made by Hooper.