If the subject of death and dying and one's wishes for disposition of one's body after death makes you uncomfortable, please skip this entry. If irreverance towards funeral/cremation arrangements makes you uncomfortable, please skip this entry.

For the last several years (maybe six?) I've been on a senior citizen's mailing list, so occasionally I get invitations to join the AARP, or to visit a retirement community. Usually, I am just amused, and I send back the RSVP postcard with a note stating that I am in my thirties and if they'd like to get back to me in thirty years, I'd be happy to take a look at their information. Sometimes I call and ask to be taken off the mailing list.

Recently I got invited to be cremated. Yup. The Trident Society sent me a little note, encouraging me to consider cremation "over traditional funeral arrangements." In fact, according to this letter, "almost 50% of Californians have selected cremation as their preference! The numbers are increasing every year!" The letter goes on to describe why "cremation just makes sense," including the convenience of personal services which families can conduct, the lower cost, and my personal favorite, "It has less impact on the environment." And then that's where, in bold type, it says, "Simple, Economical and Dignified... That's our motto!"

The letter goes on to say:
"With everyone moving around these days, placing a loved one in a 'local' cemetery may not be as functional as it used to be. Folks are finding that a meaningful service can be held without the need for a fancy and expensive funeral home!

"There are several advantages to making your arrangements now. First, you lock in today's price. Second, you protect your family from falling victim to pressure to overspend (also known as 'up-selling') at a time when they are emotionally vulnerable. Instead, when the time comes, yoru family is simply left to concentrate on what's important -- helping each other get through their grief. Finally, Trident arrangements may also qualify as an exempt asset when filing for Medicaid assistance!

"Like we said: 'Cremation just makes sense'. If you are not interested in spending your family's inheritance on embalming, caskets, vaults, markers, fancy funeral homes or cemetery property, then we have the answer!"

And then at the bottom, in tiny letters, it says, "Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family."

So the thing is, I actually intend to be cremated. I have no need for my body to be buried in the ground. I would much prefer to have most of my ashes dispersed into the Pacific, and if my family still owns the property up in Fort Bragg, and they would like to plant a Japanese maple or a yellow rose or something over a handful of my ashes, that would be fine too.

So I'm not really someone who needs convincing. But the tone of this letter was so oozy and wacky, it almost made me change my mind. Really, though, I just had to laugh. "The
numbers are increasing every year!" "Less impact on the environment!" "May qualify as an exempt asset when filing for Medicaid!" "Lock in today's prices!" (P.S.: Sorry if this letter is tacky and offensive.)

We are truly living in an advertising age.