Nobody

Left to my Own Devices

Sat, 27 Mar 2010 08:40:00 GMT

The irony of this is so sweet I should be laughing. But I'm tired and really, who enjoys the ironic things that happen to them? I got (almost) what I've been wishing for and more and more I think I don't want it.

It's simple. I need a job. I need to pay bills. Without these I'm a bum living off other people. It gets less simple from there, but the theme is repeated. I need some structure to my day because, lord knows, I can't build it myself. I need something that enforces discipline because I've burned through any native discipline.

But I'm having to realize that I don't really like the idea of going back the office. I don't want to give up 40 hours per week to someone else's Big Idea and hope that in the time left over I'll have energy left to realize my own. When the people I admire have made realizations like this they seem to have jumped to them without sitting and pondering it all out. But I'm not good at snap decisions. Or at least, when I make them I still take a good long while to review them before accepting I've made my decision.

I was given a task, a report to write, as part of a job application. From what I've heard it's the finalist round for the job, I'm competing against one, maybe two other people. I don't think I've ever made it to the finalist round in the past couple of years of job searching. So the first irony is that this happens for a job I'm not entirely qualified for. This isn't a copywriting/editing gig, it has more to do with online marketing. I really have no idea why they're not looking for someone with a MBA and experience directing marketing campaigns. Though I'm pretty sure this has to do with my recruiter(s) getting very excited at the words "marketing campaigns" on my resume and ignoring words like "wrote." I present myself as a writer because the verb for the job I wish I could do is write. I don't present myself as marketer, analyst, or director because those aren't things I've done or particularly want to get into.

But a job's a job, right? As long as I get paid what difference does it make? To me, a huge difference. It's not simple. Nothing ever is, frankly. And it bugs me to try to simplify how I think about anything from "is a part of my life" to is/is not. Yet, still, in this situation it might help, that is it might be best, to dive in and try not to think about it. Close my eyes and think of England, and all that. I have to pay my fucking bills. I have to be an adult.

The stress is on now because of the report. Because it looks like this is the sort of thing I'll be doing going forward in the job - assuming I get it. Only this is a removed, relaxed approach. Usually I'd be sending daily comments on the numbers that come in, working with a team to direct campaigns, assessing and reacting to daily analysis, etc. Some writing, but all just in communication back and forth within the marketing team. Nothing creative, in an advertising sense. Nothing I ever intended to do when I daydreamed about what I'd be when I grew up.

At base I don't want to do the report. I know to some degree this means I don't want to do that job. But I told myself that would take any job. I begged the universe for any job. I'd clean puke in a fast food restaurant. I'd help abusive customers in a store for minimum wage. But I'm resisting writing a marketing report. Ok. It's work I won't be paid for (directly). Ok, I've never written one before (step one, look up marketing reports). Ok, it's work and this is the weekend and there's a huge list of other things I'd rather do. All of this resisting comes up against the intense need to earn an income.

And the jobs I'm qualified for are precious few and they have no interest in me.

Plenty of people work at jobs that they don't particularly care for. Sometimes it feels like no one has a job they love and several even hate their jobs. But this is what it takes to meet our needs. Adults routinely have to do things they don't want to do. I shouldn't expect to be special.

I said I'd do it. I was careful to smile over the phone and sound grateful in email. I can't back out now. So I have to commit.

The thought that I could throw this - write something less than what I'm capable of - has crossed my mind. But something curdles inside me when I consider it directly. No. I can't fuck around with this. Or anything. I can't allow myself to do subpar work on any task.

Philosophically, it's almost disturbing to me that I could do the job. The task of marketing is to convince regular people that what they need is the product being marketed. I've never liked being the middle man's middle man. But I've never done anything to get out of it. I don't make the product I'm trying to sell. In fact, in this case, the product isn't even that exciting to me. It certainly isn't anything anyone needs. But some people will want it, and the task is both to find them and to tempt other folks into becoming these people.

Consumerism. It's irony that seems to define my life. I don't like it very much. But I don't put much effort into avoiding it or in not making my living off its machinery.

Oh God i don't want to write this report.

Choosing Chains

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:44:00 GMT

Every time I turn around it seems someone is telling me it's going to be ok. Don't worry it can't always be bad news, it can't rain all the time.

The only evidence I really get is when far worse things happen, car wrecks, friends get sick, someone dies.... Then I can see how good I have it. Wonderful. The fucking Hallmark lesson having everything I needed all along.

Yet I persist in my immaturity and material mindedness to beg to be blessed with the problems of gainful employment. Please, kick me in the head with a fulfilling relationship. Are singlemindedness, ambition and energy really curses? Because lacking them really seems to be harming me.

There was a quote I read a long time ago that I think was from Aldus Huxley that had to do with chains that we choose for ourselves and how when we think we find freedom from some chains it's because we've found chains more to our liking. I've seen it largely true, whether you find the chains of poverty grinding and so you find work but now you have hours to keep and duties to fulfill, you've found chains you like better. Even if you try to free yourself from the wheel of dharma and its miseries through the teachings of Buddha, you have to accept the subjugation of humility on the eight-fold path. And so on.

I don't like living with my family. I didn't much care for it in high school but I didn't think that much about it either. I didn't know what else was around and I don't spend much time thinking about dark universes. In any case I had an end date for it. Now...I don't know when this is going to end. I don't know if it's going to end. And I appreciate that making my peace with it is an option, but I think it's one I won't be taking. I feel somewhat guilty about that. But this isn't where I belong.

Not altogether sure where it is I should be. But I feel a lot better about Los Angeles or New York than Anaheim. Feel better about friends' houses than my parents'. I miss the feeling of my own place. it wasn't much of a feeling, really, but it was more solid. It wasn't a way station, a safety net. I feel ungrateful for my safety net. It feels bad to feel this way. But I have got to get out of here. I just... can't seem to.

It can't always be bad? That may be a matter of perspective. Mo money, mo problems? Maybe, but I've dealt with a lot of those "problems" before. Money makes them manageable. Without money the answers to many problems are quite simple but not much fun.

So if I'm in a pit and I hate it here and I can't seem to get myself out... why does the response seem to be "don't worry, eventually the pit will miraculously turn into a mountain with you on top!"

I just want one good thing to break solidly in my favor. Something complete and unmitigated - not the silver lining on a really dark cloud, thanks, I've had enough of car insurance settlements - and just *good*. If it's a selfish thought then let me tell you a couple of things: 1. nearly everyone I know deserves at least one solid good thing happening to them. I don't believe there are a finite amount of good things that can happen. 2. If I had concrete, unassailable proof that if I gave up on anything interesting or good happening to me I could have my middle brother home from Afghanistan, safe and sound, I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

I'll take on the chains of something good. By definition they would be more comfortable than what I have now.

scattered check in

Sat, 9 May 2009 19:50:00 GMT

OOop it's May already. Time zips by like a bandsaw and I can try to catch up at my own peril. So easy to hang back and do nothing, just watch it go flying by and just adapt to being less consequential as I do nothing worth noting for days and months and years.

But shit that's happening around me... Well it's like this:

I run away during the week to a friend's house in Highland Park (south of Pasadena). I'm friends with her housemates. They're all very cool, artsy, Burning Man free spirit, live and let live super awesome people. They have a dog who has spoiled me for all other dogs. They're patient, generous and seem sincerely eager to see me when I visit. I can goth out there, do some hula hooping and get seriously geeky on any topic I like.

I head up there because it's a lot closer to the rehearsal space I go to most nights for the play I'm stage managing. I like it well enough but it's not creative. and the major drawback is it isn't for money. but it's something to do and it goes on the CV so it's not all bad. I like the people I work with and they connect me with other people, which is important.

At the HP Haus i've been seriously fangirling with likeminded folks over both Repo! the Genetic Opera and Nine Inch Nails. They got me into Repo and I love the shit out of it (OMG I got to meet Anthony Stewart Head!! And kissed Terrance Zdunich!) and I love that we get to keep playing NIN records while counting down to the concert in a couple of weeks. Basically I get to run around squeeing like a 12 year old and then smoke and drink in the evening like I'm some kind of adult.

This all would be so much better if a drunk driver hadn't hit me last week. I still can't really truly get the rage broiling in my gut, but intellectually I'm pretty furious and that's when people ought to be wary. Even though it totally wasn't my fault I've had to deal with a fuckload more bullshit than I would ever want to. and that includes looking at a new car loan on top of what I owe my mom for the old one. Frustrating as fuck.

And no, I still don't have a job. Just looking at the "want ads" (such a damn ironic heading these days) is soul-crushing. But that's my life. Questions?

March like woah

Thu, 5 Mar 2009 16:09:00 GMT

Wow i hadn't realized it was December the last time I updated. Though Hotmail gave up sending me any JS updates so that's my excuse for never thinking about this site.

Yeah things have happened. Have moved. And I'm not feeling particularly happy about much of any of them. And people trying to get me to forcibly cheer up just makes me all the more angsty and annoyed.

Had to leave NYC. There just wasn't any more money. And coupling with the complete lack of jobs was my complete lack of motivation. It got pretty bad there for a while. A dunk in the Hudson was looking better and better.

In California now. Restless. I miss New York a lot. But I miss being on my own the most. What a miserable loser I am, living with my parents again. I need their money for every thing. So I hide and even though I miss people I don't want to leave my cave of a room. Which is actually my sister's old room because in my mom's new house they didn't have a bedroom for me. I'm really not together enough for a job hunt and haven't put much of any effort toward pulling myself together.

But still I agreed to be a bridesmaid and I've been kicking myself ever since. I don't have the money. What the hell was I thinking? The other bridesmaids want to be in touch with me all the time. There's a lot of planning to do. I hate to even think about all the work that goes into a wedding. The very idea of it helps reassure me that i'm never getting married. Fuck that shit.

I don't get it beyond making a promise to someone in front of a few people who care and maybe a god. Sign a piece of paper for some formal recognition and your done. What the fuck, paying for it?? What the fuck, renting a place?? What the fuck, traveling?? What the fuck, making people dress the same?? What the fuck, showers?? What the fuck, organizing people and places and things like it's the Second Coming and it needs to be televised?? What the fucking fuck?

I can handle some socializing, but it's largely with people I know. I'm not terribly interested in getting to know new people. I really don't want to plan parties with them.

I forget how expensive weddings are even if you're just showing up, never mind if you're part of the wedding party. The lack of funds adds to how totally sour I feel. It makes me wonder if I would feel this aggravated if I were properly employed. God, if I had a decent job in NYC I'd probably be jumping for joy and spearheading the whole thing. As it stands all the prep work for me just leaves me wanting to shoot myself.

Nothing about a wedding makes any sense to me except two people wanting to get married. So I'm not against all that stuff, I'd just rather stand off to the side and stare quizzically. In fact most weddings I prefer to ignore completely. Half the time wedding events strike me as friends and family sticking their noses in the couples' personal goings-on.

I just don't want to deal with this. Except I want to be there and I'm really touched that I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never done it before. Like anything else I don't intrinsically understand the point, but the request was an honor.

Maybe i'm also driven to distraction by knowing how hideous I'll look in the bridesmaid dress. How I wish it were an ugly thing so I'd have an excuse. But it's not, it's really pretty. I'm just the fat slob who'll look disgusting in all the pictures.

Maybe I just hate myself and this is somewhere to put all of my frustration and stress.

names to remember

Fri, 5 Dec 2008 13:15:00 GMT

Rachel Maddow is goshdarned cute. And have I mentioned how brains are totally hot? YUM.

You can give them to the birds and bees

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:11:00 GMT

It's Monday and nothing has changed.

I'm ever more desperate and hopeless. I'll never be able to affect my life again. I'm going to lose what little I have left and then I'll be utterly worthless.

Everyone around me wishes me well. I don't want to denigrate that.

I just can't eat wishes. Or put them in a bank. Or pay rent. I can't be an adult with just good wishes.

I have to force my way on the world and its continued rejection of me burns through my interest in sticking around.

Non Chronological Order of Stuff Someone Did

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:20:00 GMT

Mentally Replaying: The below.

A 4.5 year relationship with a man who knew exactly what he wanted. Saw him through advances in his work, expanded project with the Camarilla and testing for black sash in his martial art. Traveled with him and other martial artists to South Korea.

Held several offices in the Cam, supported and served the folks who put me in the office. Twice suspended for reasons I don't regret. Kept logistics in good order, told fun stories.

Wrote up a storm, esp for games. Also wrote half a novel, several short stories, articles (even go published) and papers on random stuff.

Encouraged to keep writing by other writers.

Directed short pieces and plays to some acclaim (at least from the people who saw). Accused of being a good actor.

Year and something relationship with a man with whom there was formerly a supportive and encouraging friendship.

Warming, cooling and then warming again friendships with a variety of damn creative people who challenge and inspire me.

Been to England & Scotland and found my love of big cities holds strong (though, even if Edinburgh isn't that big it's really an amazing place).

Traveled with family through much of Western Mexico & made them take me to Mexico City last time. Walked down the Way of the Dead.

Produced a benefit concert for victims of hurricanes Katrina & Rita.

Performed with the USC Band under the baton of John Williams.

Courtney Love called me pretty.

Trent Reznor agreed to a picture with me and shook my hand.

Neil Gaiman accepted my thanks with thanks of his own.

Shared a dinner table with Maynard James Keenan and Billy Howerdel.

Tony Kushner strenuously encouraged me to direct.

David Sedaris took me outside to tell me a story over a smoke.

Driven to San Francisco solo multiple times. Nearly got myself killed once; got myself out of that too.

Dated a girl long distance, spending several months thinking marrying her was not out of the question, merely out of the law.

Educated myself on the major wine varietals, notable regions and complementary pairings.

Lost 60 pounds.

Traveled over 2500 miles to have tea with a friend.

Managed (so far) to not get pregnant or pick up an STD.

Tried acid, mushrooms, meth and pot and largely prefer drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco. Coffee trumps all, though.

Gone to retreats for kinky women and the women who like to get beat up by them.

Attended the Gathering of Nations. Visited Taos & the pueblo outside. Walked through the Painted Desert in sleet and wind.

Climbed arches in Utah's Arches National Park.

Received a thank you note from Pres Carter for a letter I sent him.

Defended friends in an antagonistic crowd.

Surprised friends with presents, with and without cause.

Fed friends and family.

Survived a crash that totaled my car, spent the night alone and was calm when the police found me.

Was promoted from editing to writing copy. Lauded for high quality in each position.

Taken a burlesque dancing class.

Kept all bills paid and kept myself fed and housed for over a year without a job.

Hiked up a small mountain in Denali National Park.

Tromped through Calaveras National Park to see the giant Sequoias.

Attended Folsom Street Fair.

Sought refuge at St Andrew's Abbey many times.

Provided food, safety, warmth and succor to they who needed it.

Moved to New York.

...all because I could.

Shoot Me.

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 11:22:00 GMT

I try not to give into histrionics. They're melodramatic and lame. But I'm just damn tired of the stress and aggravation of being where I am with no exit. I'd like the way to the back door please.

It's mid October. For fuck's sake.

No, it does NOT make me feel better to know the whole economy is shit and that's why I can't find a job. It just doesn't. All that means is even if I worked harder on the hunt I would still be doomed.

So just shoot me and get it overwith.

Hey, it's September! (Quiz)

Mon, 8 Sep 2008 10:55:00 GMT

Listening: music & lawnmowers
I'd rather be: employed

From Firewolf

1) What color is your toothbrush? right now: white & blue.

2) Name one person that made you smile last night? Hellboy

3) What were you doing 45 minutes ago? showering

4) What is your favorite candy bar? whatchamacallit. (sp?)

5) Have you ever been to a strip club? Yep.

6) What is the last thing you said aloud? "It's been a while."

7) What is the best ice cream flavor? Rocky road.

8) What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

9) What are you wearing right now? T-shirt, shorts, underwear.

10) What was the last thing you ate? a ham torta my mom made for me.

11)have you bought any new items this week? Bought a plane ticket last night.

12) When was the last time you ran? Only run when chased. Or chasing. Or trying to catch a train

13) Who is the last person you left a comment for on journalscape? Firewolf? I think.

14) Do you take vitamins daily? uh. When I remember.

15) Do you go to church every Sunday? I try to. More successful than not.

16) Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Depends on the Chinese food and the pizza. And sometimes my mood. In general, though, yes, Chinese.

17) Do you drink your soda with a straw? I can't remember the last time I had any soda. I know I don't if it's out of a can or bottle.

18) What did your last text message say? I asked my sister to confirm a local event.

19) Are you someones best friend? I've been told but... I dunno.

20) What are you doing tomorrow? Doctor's appointment and possibly seeing a friend.

21) Where is your mom? At work.

22) Look to your right, what do you see? A huge mess of boxes that are mine or my sisters'.

23) What color is your watch? Watch... I think I have one around somewhere. Believe it's silvery.

24) What is your birthstone? sometimes red.

25) Do you have a dog? No.

26) Last guy you talked on the phone with? Probably my dad. Though I don't think of him as a guy.

27) Last girl you talked on the phone with? My sister - though, again, not a girl.

28) Any plans today? Have to take care of my car. In great need of an oil change and wash. job hunting. Bill paying.

29) Do you dye your hair? From time to time, though I usually pay someone else to do it.

30) Biggest annoyance in your life right now? The things I lack from not having a job. Unemployment by itself is hugely stressful - it's the cause. The symptoms of the cause are each very annoying: an unsteady emotional state, no health insurance (I have pre-existing conditions so I need group health), certainty of what's going to happen next week and how to plan out the coming year(s)...

31) Can you say the alphabet backwards? Only if I really concentrate on it.

32) Do you have a maid service clean your house? HAHAHAHAHAH I am the maid.

33) Are you jealous of anyone? Employed people.

34) Do you shower? Of course.

35) Do any of your friends have children? Yes.

36) Do you use the word hello daily? The specific word - no. But it's not hard for me to go through days without speaking.

37) Do you like cats? Sure, though my immune system tends to overreact to them.

38) Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yep.

39) How did you get your worst scar? Surgery site got infected.

Nothing to Add

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:03:00 GMT

I don't know when I'll feel normal again. Or when I'll feel like I'm not in a holding pattern, waiting to get my feet on the ground and moving forward. My feet are on the ground, i guess, it's just not ground I like and I don't know how to get to my preferred ground.

Oh, I keep trying. I keep trying to find my way. But it keeps failing. Maybe I should just stop. Stop writing. Stop public journaling. Just disappear until I actually have something worth talking about.

I don't bring anything to the table. I don't add anything, I don't help in any way. I'm just here, taking up space on a couch, waiting to order some food for delivery. I consume but I don't produce. From my way of thinking, that absolutely the worst. I'm a leech. I take from my community and I don't give.

The thing is I hate talking about this with friends. Because I just can't stand hearing how much I mean to them and yadda yadda any more. I can't fucking take it. If one more person tells me that I'm worthwhile and I'll find a job soon because I'm good for it I seriously think I might blow my head off.

i need to get this out of my head but maybe it should go into my hard journal. Because all I hear any more is that I'm a good friend and/or I'm a good person because I basically provide you voyeurs with free content.

Money is good and helpful but I need a job because I need somewhere to be. I need someone to need me, and not for my "heart" or "honesty" or some shit, but for my fucking brain. I need someone who has a great desire to have me at their table because they get what I bring and how it all serves the bottom line.

I've got enough friends.

Oh I'll Update you Alright

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:36:00 GMT

Aches and Complaints: headachey and sick of the heat

I've had a bit of a headache for a couple days now. Not entirely sure what to attribute it to. Can't say that it's been the same headache throughout. Could be the heat, could be not drinking coffee cause it's so friggin hot, could be stress, could be lack of sleep (see ref: the heat).... Also starting to worry it could be my eyes.

Vision is maybe seeming to get worse, but not in the same way as with iritis. It could be too much of the drugs (on the same regimen since the last time I saw an ophthalmologist which was too long ago). Or it could be the drugs have become ruined. With the heat there's no safe place to put them to keep them within the range they're supposed to be at. It's too cold in the fridge and too hot everywhere else. So I may just be utterly fucked. Hard to say.

Not related, I'm sick of my weight and fatness and trying to fight back against the urge to just throw my hands up in the air and tell myself I don't care. I'll never be ok with how I look, but I swear my clothes didn't always fit this tightly. So I gotta try, try again with self-denial and the determination to exercise even though it's a jillion degrees out.

Still no job. A tremendous amount of stress there. Puts a lot of pressure on me to figure out plans for the next couple of months that I was hoping to dodge. Also have to figure out what to do with my phone. The plan ends very, very soon and so I have to figure out whether I want to re-up with Sprint or try to figure out how to port my number to where ever I go next (and if I want a new phone). Right at this very second I *do NOT* want to change my number. But porting is hard and phone companies don't like to allow it for whatever reason. They like run arounds and promising one thing delivering another. and I don't have a backup phone if anything goes wrong. Blarg.

I want to write out some good news but I don't feel like I've got any. I'm coasting along, floating because that's easy enough for now. But if I move at all I feel guilty unless it's movement toward getting a payday lined up. I understand I can like something but not take pleasure in it. Intellectualization may not be all that much fun, but it takes the edge of the blues of being able to feel unhappy emotions keenly and not being able to feel happy ones.

I dunno. I watched The Dark Knight on Friday. I think I may very well try to hit it again soon. It's pretty damn good. Between that, a friend's smile and a lot of alcohol I've listed for you the things that I've looked forward to in the past few days. A little pitiful, I would think.

If it wasn't for disappointment/I'd never have any appointments
--They Might Be Giants

avoiding the world

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 09:37:00 GMT

There is so much I have to/ought to do and I don't want to do any of it. I really ought make use of some coupons that I paid a bit extra for but will expire soon. I have to go shopping - I'm hearing again and again that I need better business clothes (not at all what I would prefer to shop for). I should probably eat. I ought to leave my room and some point and perhaps take a shower.

Ugh. I just want to stay hidden in here. I finally figured out an equilibrium for the temperature. I found a way to prop myself on the bed to work on the laptop and not make my knee hurt. And my knee hurts a whole goddamn lot. And if I don't move I don't feel pain from the knee or from the big bad cramps going on right now. I can tune out how fat I am, if I don't move. And I don't invite guilt if I don't eat. (I won't be exercising either, but see the part where I'm in pain.)

Blah. I don't want to deal with everything I have to deal with. I'm sick of not having a job and having that propel everything that sucks about my life. It would be maybe, possibly ok to waste just one day in bed, PMSing, with a twisted knee and bug bites, if only I had a job. If something could just please break in my favor, that would be really nice.

Things that Need to Happen

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 22:18:00 GMT

Ugh. I'm full. I have a few things to take care of but I'd really like to lay down just so I can give my belly a break. Went to dinner with some dear friends and for some godforsaken reason got BBQ chicken & ribs. It's not like I didn't know they would fill me to the gills...yet it's still hard to make myself stop.

So there are things that need to happen - and one or two that need to stop.

I need to eat more regularly through the day so I don't get to the very end and I'm terribly hungry and try to down a huge meal. First and foremost, it hurts. Secondly, I eat bad things. So healthful, reasonable eating needs to happen.

I need to talk with my family more - including emailing them even if they don't write. Well, my mom writes and I don't always have much to say in response. (Usually she wants to know when I'm coming over next and I want to avoid committing.) But my dad is a guy so it doesn't always occurr to him to write even if he's up to something interesting. Same with my bros. So that has to happen.

I need to talk more better. I need to communicate gooder. I need to say what I need to say and find some way to say that doesn't shut people down. What needs to happen is I need to find a class on a negotiation. Why that and not a relationship communication class? Um... cause I'm weird? But it needs to happen.

Exercise. That needs to happen more. Oy.

I need to wear sunscreen more often.

I need to collect more snail mail addresses and get back into letter writing. Mh hand writing cramps. Good stuff.

Office hours. They have to happen. That way I don't leave it till "whenever" to get to things. Important things. Office-type things.

And reading hours. That has to happen also.

You know what would also be good? Winning the lottery. and a pony. That would be good.

biography

Mon, 2 Jun 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Enjoying: Archived The Daily Show episodes

Ok, I originally posted this at the end of April, but then I changed my mind about it being public. Um. But now I've changed my mind again.

For some reason I'm taken with trying to write a short autobiography. It seems like it shouldn't really be hard to explain my life in about five paragraphs, but I keep running on in detail and, more often than not, getting off on tangents. How can I talk about myself without going on at length about my parents? Or about life in Southern California? Or my educational choices? Or the industry I worked in for over six years?

The hard facts are thus:

Born 1977, Fullerton, CA.

Mom (30 years younger than Dad) remains a Mexican citizen. Dad, a WWII vet, is a second-generation Mexican-American. Both have been school teachers.

Oldest of five kids.

Raised Roman Catholic, still practice it.

Honors student, but not spectacular.

5'6" several/too many pounds overweight.

Spoke Spanish at home first, delayed reader of English in first grade. (*ahem* Which was bullshit, but that's for another time.) Remain bilingual, though my English is much more betta.

Graduated in the top 10% in high school.

Studied theatre at the University of Southern California, earned a BA. No idea how I placed in college, but I was a charter member of the Latino Honors Society.

I suffer from reoccuring bouts of iritis. I've also been diagnosed with dysthemia and anhedonia (emotional disorders).

Have worked as a day laborer, done data entry, stocked shelves at music and bookstores and been a cashier. Also did occasional work as an extra.

Hired at GoTo.com in October 2000 to edit advertising copy and review it for relevance before ok'ing it to be search results on the Web's first pay-for-placement search engine. Job evolved into writing ad copy and developing advertising campaigns with ever advancing analytics tools and increasing client base. GoTo became Overture in 2001. Overture was acquired by Yahoo! in 2003. Left Y! in summer of 2007.

Stage managed a play earlier this year and directed a different one, also this year.

Currently live in Long Beach, CA. Have always lived within about a 30 mile radius of my current home.

-----------
Soft info is this:

Love the shit out of traveling and I've been abroad to the UK, Mexico and South Korea. Also been to Arizona, Oregon, Nevada, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Maryland, Virgina, Washington D.C. and Florida. And of course, have traveled all over the great state of California.

I'm totally heterodox about my religious practices and I'm not afraid to pick & choose, if not bring in stuff from other traditions and philosophies.

I've had both boyfriends and girlfriends.

First favorite writer was Madeline L'Engle. I've always loved fantasy and I'm no stranger to sci-fi.

I'm addicted to coffee & cigarettes. While I drink coffee far more than I smoke, when I decide I really want to smoke and I can't it can get pretty bad.

I have a lot more comic books & graphic novels than you think a girl would have. But not nearly as many as I wish had. Favorite writers in this genre are Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Serena Valentino, Warren Ellis, and Grant Morrison. To the point that I rarely read anything by anyone else (unless they're on the Slave Labor Graphics imprint).

I don't tell people when my birthday is. It's my ooown leetle secret. And that of the other people who know - and had best keep quiet about it, if they know what's good for 'em.

My hair has been magenta red, midnight black, had electric blue streaks and lighter brown streaks at various times. I miss that.

I have a tattoo.

I can suspend my disbelief at the drop of a hat.

I'm not squeamish about blood and guts. But if you tell me a story that's tragic, you got me. I'm more empathic than I wish I were...but only if I'm in on the story.

I fucking hated my last job, but really only in the last few months. I had to go for many reasons, a large one being that the anxiety was ripping me a new one.

I use whatever hand I'm most comfortable with. So I typically write with my right because my mother and first grade teacher made it uncomfortable to write with my left. I naturally hold a tennis racket, fencing foil or a guitar left handed. I'm still all around stronger with my right. But sneaky and dextrous with my left.

The older I get the more femme I get. When I was 21 I was totally butch. (I was mistaken for male a couple of times, to my pleasure at the time.) I'm not quite to the point where I'm horrified by that, and I still wear pants nearly every single day, but I'm starting to think I need nicer clothes (and far, far fewer t-shirts) in my closet.

I've made it a point to learn about wines and to keep some good ones around. I've been known to answer to "wine snob." I don't think I rate "connoisseur" because I know there's so much left to learn (plus I can only afford "nice" wines), but I do own a wine fridge.

After 25 years of literacy - and loving every minute - my lips still move when I read.

Getting raised biculturally is hard on a person. Damn hard. You would think with so many other folks in the same predicament around we could make it easier on each other. But that wasn't my experience.

With pedagoguery so prevalent in my family I grew up in an environment where no idea was considered beyond anyone's grasp. Maybe the average Joe on the street wouldn't instantly be able to understand the intricacies of neurobiology if you took him to a seminar for neuroscientists, but I can't shake the idea that any Joe who wanted to, could learn all the steps - the building blocks - until he could catch on to the current day neurobiology givens. While I understand there are people naturally gifted for various disciplines, I just don't believe that it's beyond a dedicated person with a talented teacher to at least get to the point of being able to grasp an idea.

I've never, ever gotten in trouble for lying. Not at work, not with friends and not in social organizations. However, I've been in trouble more times than I can count for saying what's on my mind. Time and again I've been taken to task for what I've said and I've been assured it was how I said it. Depending on how hurt or angry I feel, I react either by wishing desperately I knew how to tell the pretty lies the world seems to run on or by stiffening my neck and knowing I'm going down once again for speaking the unpleasant, honest truth. But - to the positive point: I'm not dishonest.

I wish I could work in experimental theatre. I love to play with forms. The meta-narrative of creating theatre is the very experience of theatre that I crave. Where the sur-reality of the play meets the super-reality of getting shit done - there on the seams is where the themes go and get explored. And it's on that line that I wish I could make my life.

I love all things Meta-.

Playing the "I'm Moving" Card

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:59:00 GMT

So... In this life, in this existence, as far as it goes, there is nothing more important than family. I put that qualifier because I believe that there is more to this earthly existence, however in the context of there being nothing more, then...family is the most important. That doesn't mean we need to go out and make one of our own and that doesn't mean we need to kow-tow to the one we come from. But it does mean that everything should shake out to prioritizing the family. There are no ties so particular, so tight as to be cutting, no one who is closer to us, possibly to the point of being suffocating and invasive.

It's wonderful and it's horrible and it's everything... And I say this as a single woman who is not planning on having children and is planning on moving far away from all the family she knows. It's been the A Number 1 reason I haven't moved too far until now.

That's all preamble to explain that when I told my mom earlier today that she has to grow up and compromise some, I said it with a great deal of love and compassion. Because she and my dad have been pretty jerky to my sister over the last few years and it's really taken a turn for the worse in the last several months.

Now...it's not like my sister is a saint. She reacts (and has for about all of her adult life) to anything my mom says as if it were an attack. How she has avoided hypertension, I really don't know. But she'll turn any comment into an occasion for a shouting match that frequently resolves itself with someone storming off. She doesn't want to make peace anymore and these days has taken to saying quite a few unpleasant things about our parents.

I have to say - my parents are much easier to deal with when one doesn't live with them or have to rely on them for anything. Which means I'm putting myself in a precarious position as I'm going to be storing quite a lot of my things in their house over the coming months and, if things don't work out, living on their couch for a while after.

But I'm really long past tired of the sniping. It's not like there isn't fallout for the rest of us. I do worry about what my neice is picking up, and not about the relationship my sister is in (as long as it's not abusive). But she is watching adults fight tooth and nail over who's more right. I worry about my family falling apart when blame flies around. I worry that my sister is dismissing something that is hugely important in life. I worry that my parents are drawing lines in the sand without a consideration for the need a person has to change and define herself at this point in time. Both of my parents had to get some space from their parents to figure their shit out...I don't understand why they don't see the pattern and just go with it. Why is it so tough to calmly tell someone "I don't agree with your lifestyle, but I want you here with me. How can we work this out?"

My parents can't bend their stubborn necks to ask this of my sister. And my sister learned from them so she's too stubborn to think of any resolution that isn't turning on a heel and walking away. And no one involved can say anything about anyone else that doesn't relate back to "they'll never change!" Heaven forbid one consider the possibility of changing oneself.

Anyway, the "I'm Moving" card was mildly telling my mom off. It's a bit rude to tell one's mom to grow up, but I imagine I can get away with it when I'm planning on heading off to where I may never be seen or heard from again. (Unlikely, but you never know.) My mom is the louder of my parents, but actually the one who is less stubborn when you get right down to it. There is a tiny chance that she could in fact chill out. But if my sister doesn't notice her efforts immediately then it will be in vain. My dad chill? He might get quiet, but he can still erupt at any point. To me or anyone. Depends on how cranky he is.

By importance i don't mean you "must" love them the most. Only that the family should get prioritized when it comes to attention and work. Because it takes a damn lot of work. I like to make sure to have lots of close seconds, like whiskey and dancing.