Nobody

avoiding the world

Sat, 12 Jul 08 09:37:00 UT

There is so much I have to/ought to do and I don't want to do any of it. I really ought make use of some coupons that I paid a bit extra for but will expire soon. I have to go shopping - I'm hearing again and again that I need better business clothes (not at all what I would prefer to shop for). I should probably eat. I ought to leave my room and some point and perhaps take a shower.

Ugh. I just want to stay hidden in here. I finally figured out an equilibrium for the temperature. I found a way to prop myself on the bed to work on the laptop and not make my knee hurt. And my knee hurts a whole goddamn lot. And if I don't move I don't feel pain from the knee or from the big bad cramps going on right now. I can tune out how fat I am, if I don't move. And I don't invite guilt if I don't eat. (I won't be exercising either, but see the part where I'm in pain.)

Blah. I don't want to deal with everything I have to deal with. I'm sick of not having a job and having that propel everything that sucks about my life. It would be maybe, possibly ok to waste just one day in bed, PMSing, with a twisted knee and bug bites, if only I had a job. If something could just please break in my favor, that would be really nice.

Things that Need to Happen

Wed, 11 Jun 08 22:18:00 UT

Ugh. I'm full. I have a few things to take care of but I'd really like to lay down just so I can give my belly a break. Went to dinner with some dear friends and for some godforsaken reason got BBQ chicken & ribs. It's not like I didn't know they would fill me to the gills...yet it's still hard to make myself stop.

So there are things that need to happen - and one or two that need to stop.

I need to eat more regularly through the day so I don't get to the very end and I'm terribly hungry and try to down a huge meal. First and foremost, it hurts. Secondly, I eat bad things. So healthful, reasonable eating needs to happen.

I need to talk with my family more - including emailing them even if they don't write. Well, my mom writes and I don't always have much to say in response. (Usually she wants to know when I'm coming over next and I want to avoid committing.) But my dad is a guy so it doesn't always occurr to him to write even if he's up to something interesting. Same with my bros. So that has to happen.

I need to talk more better. I need to communicate gooder. I need to say what I need to say and find some way to say that doesn't shut people down. What needs to happen is I need to find a class on a negotiation. Why that and not a relationship communication class? Um... cause I'm weird? But it needs to happen.

Exercise. That needs to happen more. Oy.

I need to wear sunscreen more often.

I need to collect more snail mail addresses and get back into letter writing. Mh hand writing cramps. Good stuff.

Office hours. They have to happen. That way I don't leave it till "whenever" to get to things. Important things. Office-type things.

And reading hours. That has to happen also.

You know what would also be good? Winning the lottery. and a pony. That would be good.

biography

Mon, 2 Jun 08 13:26:00 UT

Enjoying: Archived The Daily Show episodes

Ok, I originally posted this at the end of April, but then I changed my mind about it being public. Um. But now I've changed my mind again.

For some reason I'm taken with trying to write a short autobiography. It seems like it shouldn't really be hard to explain my life in about five paragraphs, but I keep running on in detail and, more often than not, getting off on tangents. How can I talk about myself without going on at length about my parents? Or about life in Southern California? Or my educational choices? Or the industry I worked in for over six years?

The hard facts are thus:

Born 1977, Fullerton, CA.

Mom (30 years younger than Dad) remains a Mexican citizen. Dad, a WWII vet, is a second-generation Mexican-American. Both have been school teachers.

Oldest of five kids.

Raised Roman Catholic, still practice it.

Honors student, but not spectacular.

5'6" several/too many pounds overweight.

Spoke Spanish at home first, delayed reader of English in first grade. (*ahem* Which was bullshit, but that's for another time.) Remain bilingual, though my English is much more betta.

Graduated in the top 10% in high school.

Studied theatre at the University of Southern California, earned a BA. No idea how I placed in college, but I was a charter member of the Latino Honors Society.

I suffer from reoccuring bouts of iritis. I've also been diagnosed with dysthemia and anhedonia (emotional disorders).

Have worked as a day laborer, done data entry, stocked shelves at music and bookstores and been a cashier. Also did occasional work as an extra.

Hired at GoTo.com in October 2000 to edit advertising copy and review it for relevance before ok'ing it to be search results on the Web's first pay-for-placement search engine. Job evolved into writing ad copy and developing advertising campaigns with ever advancing analytics tools and increasing client base. GoTo became Overture in 2001. Overture was acquired by Yahoo! in 2003. Left Y! in summer of 2007.

Stage managed a play earlier this year and directed a different one, also this year.

Currently live in Long Beach, CA. Have always lived within about a 30 mile radius of my current home.

-----------
Soft info is this:

Love the shit out of traveling and I've been abroad to the UK, Mexico and South Korea. Also been to Arizona, Oregon, Nevada, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Maryland, Virgina, Washington D.C. and Florida. And of course, have traveled all over the great state of California.

I'm totally heterodox about my religious practices and I'm not afraid to pick & choose, if not bring in stuff from other traditions and philosophies.

I've had both boyfriends and girlfriends.

First favorite writer was Madeline L'Engle. I've always loved fantasy and I'm no stranger to sci-fi.

I'm addicted to coffee & cigarettes. While I drink coffee far more than I smoke, when I decide I really want to smoke and I can't it can get pretty bad.

I have a lot more comic books & graphic novels than you think a girl would have. But not nearly as many as I wish had. Favorite writers in this genre are Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Serena Valentino, Warren Ellis, and Grant Morrison. To the point that I rarely read anything by anyone else (unless they're on the Slave Labor Graphics imprint).

I don't tell people when my birthday is. It's my ooown leetle secret. And that of the other people who know - and had best keep quiet about it, if they know what's good for 'em.

My hair has been magenta red, midnight black, had electric blue streaks and lighter brown streaks at various times. I miss that.

I have a tattoo.

I can suspend my disbelief at the drop of a hat.

I'm not squeamish about blood and guts. But if you tell me a story that's tragic, you got me. I'm more empathic than I wish I were...but only if I'm in on the story.

I fucking hated my last job, but really only in the last few months. I had to go for many reasons, a large one being that the anxiety was ripping me a new one.

I use whatever hand I'm most comfortable with. So I typically write with my right because my mother and first grade teacher made it uncomfortable to write with my left. I naturally hold a tennis racket, fencing foil or a guitar left handed. I'm still all around stronger with my right. But sneaky and dextrous with my left.

The older I get the more femme I get. When I was 21 I was totally butch. (I was mistaken for male a couple of times, to my pleasure at the time.) I'm not quite to the point where I'm horrified by that, and I still wear pants nearly every single day, but I'm starting to think I need nicer clothes (and far, far fewer t-shirts) in my closet.

I've made it a point to learn about wines and to keep some good ones around. I've been known to answer to "wine snob." I don't think I rate "connoisseur" because I know there's so much left to learn (plus I can only afford "nice" wines), but I do own a wine fridge.

After 25 years of literacy - and loving every minute - my lips still move when I read.

Getting raised biculturally is hard on a person. Damn hard. You would think with so many other folks in the same predicament around we could make it easier on each other. But that wasn't my experience.

With pedagoguery so prevalent in my family I grew up in an environment where no idea was considered beyond anyone's grasp. Maybe the average Joe on the street wouldn't instantly be able to understand the intricacies of neurobiology if you took him to a seminar for neuroscientists, but I can't shake the idea that any Joe who wanted to, could learn all the steps - the building blocks - until he could catch on to the current day neurobiology givens. While I understand there are people naturally gifted for various disciplines, I just don't believe that it's beyond a dedicated person with a talented teacher to at least get to the point of being able to grasp an idea.

I've never, ever gotten in trouble for lying. Not at work, not with friends and not in social organizations. However, I've been in trouble more times than I can count for saying what's on my mind. Time and again I've been taken to task for what I've said and I've been assured it was how I said it. Depending on how hurt or angry I feel, I react either by wishing desperately I knew how to tell the pretty lies the world seems to run on or by stiffening my neck and knowing I'm going down once again for speaking the unpleasant, honest truth. But - to the positive point: I'm not dishonest.

I wish I could work in experimental theatre. I love to play with forms. The meta-narrative of creating theatre is the very experience of theatre that I crave. Where the sur-reality of the play meets the super-reality of getting shit done - there on the seams is where the themes go and get explored. And it's on that line that I wish I could make my life.

I love all things Meta-.

Playing the "I'm Moving" Card

Wed, 28 May 08 20:59:00 UT

So... In this life, in this existence, as far as it goes, there is nothing more important than family. I put that qualifier because I believe that there is more to this earthly existence, however in the context of there being nothing more, then...family is the most important. That doesn't mean we need to go out and make one of our own and that doesn't mean we need to kow-tow to the one we come from. But it does mean that everything should shake out to prioritizing the family. There are no ties so particular, so tight as to be cutting, no one who is closer to us, possibly to the point of being suffocating and invasive.

It's wonderful and it's horrible and it's everything... And I say this as a single woman who is not planning on having children and is planning on moving far away from all the family she knows. It's been the A Number 1 reason I haven't moved too far until now.

That's all preamble to explain that when I told my mom earlier today that she has to grow up and compromise some, I said it with a great deal of love and compassion. Because she and my dad have been pretty jerky to my sister over the last few years and it's really taken a turn for the worse in the last several months.

Now...it's not like my sister is a saint. She reacts (and has for about all of her adult life) to anything my mom says as if it were an attack. How she has avoided hypertension, I really don't know. But she'll turn any comment into an occasion for a shouting match that frequently resolves itself with someone storming off. She doesn't want to make peace anymore and these days has taken to saying quite a few unpleasant things about our parents.

I have to say - my parents are much easier to deal with when one doesn't live with them or have to rely on them for anything. Which means I'm putting myself in a precarious position as I'm going to be storing quite a lot of my things in their house over the coming months and, if things don't work out, living on their couch for a while after.

But I'm really long past tired of the sniping. It's not like there isn't fallout for the rest of us. I do worry about what my neice is picking up, and not about the relationship my sister is in (as long as it's not abusive). But she is watching adults fight tooth and nail over who's more right. I worry about my family falling apart when blame flies around. I worry that my sister is dismissing something that is hugely important in life. I worry that my parents are drawing lines in the sand without a consideration for the need a person has to change and define herself at this point in time. Both of my parents had to get some space from their parents to figure their shit out...I don't understand why they don't see the pattern and just go with it. Why is it so tough to calmly tell someone "I don't agree with your lifestyle, but I want you here with me. How can we work this out?"

My parents can't bend their stubborn necks to ask this of my sister. And my sister learned from them so she's too stubborn to think of any resolution that isn't turning on a heel and walking away. And no one involved can say anything about anyone else that doesn't relate back to "they'll never change!" Heaven forbid one consider the possibility of changing oneself.

Anyway, the "I'm Moving" card was mildly telling my mom off. It's a bit rude to tell one's mom to grow up, but I imagine I can get away with it when I'm planning on heading off to where I may never be seen or heard from again. (Unlikely, but you never know.) My mom is the louder of my parents, but actually the one who is less stubborn when you get right down to it. There is a tiny chance that she could in fact chill out. But if my sister doesn't notice her efforts immediately then it will be in vain. My dad chill? He might get quiet, but he can still erupt at any point. To me or anyone. Depends on how cranky he is.

By importance i don't mean you "must" love them the most. Only that the family should get prioritized when it comes to attention and work. Because it takes a damn lot of work. I like to make sure to have lots of close seconds, like whiskey and dancing.

OMG! Space!

Fri, 9 May 08 15:47:00 UT

Enjoying: Colbert Report eppies online.

I'm not biggest space fan ever, but I have always looked on astronauts with awe. Now I would be terrified to go into space, but astronaut was the very first "when I grow up" answer I ever gave (at about 4, before Sally Ride was the first woman up there).

But now... The Colbert Report is intergalactic!

Stephen Colbert always looks like he's having a good time, but it's not always that he looks genuinely excited and enthralled. Check the vid out at the site for better visual and audio.

Oh and I liked his interviews yesterday. He is obviously a fan of gonzo could-be-but-isn't-a-terrorist Hasan Elahi. And my theory that other people in pain never stops being funny was proven in a beautiful experiment conducted in his interview with George Johnson.
------

In other news I'm thinking of running away from home. There'll be a couple of small changes here if that happens. Email or call if you want more info.

Pulling the Curtain Forward

Thu, 1 May 08 11:03:00 UT

Despite a nice note from Rachel (and I did misspell "seam") I realized I should watch what I post publically since I would like this to be something like a formal example of the sort of writing I can do.

That last thing was not fully dressed so I'll tuck it away until I'm sure it's not parading around in its underwear, as it were. It's in a privileged group so I can offer a password access if you like.

Earth Day

Tue, 22 Apr 08 06:28:00 UT

I just watched the sunrise and listened to birdsong grow from a few impatient chirps into a cacophony. The street noises, too, have grown. And I'm stiffly making my way toward the day's obligations.

It's Earth Day. And while it's important to keep in mind all the details that could make our actions more green, more environmentally-aware and more dedicated to the gentle use of natural resources, I think the most salient point is to remember what it is we are trying to save.

This year it's a Tuesday so most of us will be at work (I'll be indoors on what looks like an all-day errand). But I urge everyone to take a few minutes to step outside. Find some greenery, doesn't matter if it's plants in some manmade pots, head out and find something alive and growing. Sit under the open sky for a few minutes. Close your eyes and breath.

Know this: on this ball of mud and water, spinning madly around a great big nuclear furnace, you're just a moderate-sized creature totally dependent on the Earth for your continued existence. In acting on behalf of the Earth, each of us acts on our own behalf. It's not just for hypothetical future generations. It's not just for some personification of the earth (remember, Nature is a Mother). It's because you and I live here, dammit.

So. Buy products made of recycleable material and then toss them into the recycle bin. Reuse products that are still useful. Refuse to buy products from producers that use wasteful or harmful techniques. And reduce your use of products that aren't environmentally-friendly.

It'll help you breath easier every day.

shoot me, dammit

Wed, 9 Apr 08 11:01:00 UT

Things are going badly enough, without much forward movement in the job hunt. And then my left eye got all fucked. Iritis again.

I'm so pissed off I just want to throw things, start fires... I'm so frustrated I want to cry.

For the love of God, I want out of this stupid fucking life.

Letter T

Fri, 4 Apr 08 13:02:00 UT

Listening: Faceless, Godsmack

Rules: Post a comment, I'll give you a random letter. Then list ten of your favorite things that start with the letter.

The letter "T" is brought to you today courtesy Jen.

Ok, so it's hard to come up with stuff that starts with T that I would call favorites. There are a number of things that I thought of that I could certainly say I don't like - "tyranny," "typhus," "taxes" - and there are plenty of things that I think alright, but I don't think I favor them - "teal," "towels." Then again there are several nifty things that start with "Th" but most of them only qualify if you include the word "the" which most archives won't. I don't want to bypass that rule but without it I won't be able to tell you about one of my current favoritist things in the world, at least within this meme. I could always create a new entry. }:>

Also, there are just things I think are nice or interesting but I don't know about favorites - "tigers," "tarot." So... this list was surprisingly tough. Most entries require qualification which doesn't feel right but...well...oh well.

1. The Daily Show. The only entry that starts with "the." But I am crazy for this show and I'm happily and hungrily going through the archives of the nearly nine years of shows now available on their Web site. It's become a huge and important show over the years where it used to be just some more goofiness on late night TV. I used to watch it regularly when it was hosted by Craig Kilborn - a priviledge of the time and place because I had a roommate with a TV and free cable. Watching for most of the run was spotty for me. ('member? I don't own a TV. Never have.) Though I remember the first time they got a Peabody award for Indecision 2000. No one was more shocked than Jon Stewart. I particularly remember when he was on NPR's Fresh Air after the award and he was shocked to have a show that was critically acclaimed. In the 2006 crossword documentary Wordplay Stewart summed up his job with "I tell dumb jokes for money." Damn, I love those guys.

2. Theatre. It must be a testament to how awesome I think TDS is that Theatre comes in second on this list. I've had a love affair with the theatre I think maybe since junior high. My love for the meta-narrative has only grown the more I've studied and worked at it. And I really could be happy to just watch, read, study and write about theatre. I love the human impulse to put on a show and I'm amused at how shocked - shocked - people are to find that their lives are caught up in production after production (a charge that might not make sense to people who don't watch The Daily Show). I've gone on and on in this journal about how much I love theatre and I probably will again. My mother and I sank a lot of money into my BA in theatre and I would love nothing more than to earn an MFA in directing. Hell, it would be killer to be a publishing professor with a doctorate....

3. Travel. This is a very general topic but none of the destinations that I love heading to or daydreaming about seem to start with the letter "T." At least, so far. But I love heading to far off places. I like getting the chance to be somewhere that isn't home, to look around and learn. I love trying things that are different and getting the sort of view of a place that locals take for granted. Flying places is only a means to an end. For travel that is really awesome the way to journey is by car. The grit, the horizon flying by, pit stops, stuff on the ground that's not in the tour book.... I haven't gotten to really go anywhere in ages and it bothers me something fierce.

4. Tori Amos, Tool, They Might be Giants. Music I dig. That's all.

5. Tomorrowland. Favorite part of Disneyland. A few rides that go fast, fun that doesn't feel forced...good times.

6. Tomatoes. Ok, I'm starting to run low. And I'm only on #6. Well... I love tomatoes. And I feel my appreciation has to cover the gap left by the poor fools who can't seem to get on board with this delectable fruit.

7. Talking. Um. Well. I don't know. This isn't a favorite past time for me, I mention it as my favorite way of communicating with people. And I think part of my favoritism is (as with #6) at least partly due to the lack of appreciation others show for it. Speaking with someone is far, FAR more effective a means of communicating than writing at them but I know so many (like most, it seems) who prefer text, email, online comments to frigging talking that it seems like any day now we're going to completely lose talking as the obvious means of conversing. I try to be respectful of other people when they've got a lot to juggle and can't easily get to a phone or make time for getting together. But I rarely feel respected in return when I express that you just can't deliver as much information in an email or a text message. I don't care who you are - you just aren't as good at writing at me as as you are talking to me. I bloody hate carrying on a conversation over text message but that seems to be what I'm left with as email seems to be too much effort for a lot of folks these days. Do you have any idea how much easier it is just to talk? Sheesh.

8. Top 10 by Alan Moore. In the general subject of graphic novels this actually shows up a bit down the list, but it wins for beginning with "T." And also, it's great fun reading. I dig it bunches.

9. Tandoori, Thai. Delicious cuisines. yum!

10. Tastings. In particular - wine, whiskey and rum. I'd like to get to do some coffee tasting and possibly some olive oil and/or bread tasting. cheese would be good too. In short, I like trying new things and comparig to other tasty things. }:>

Fshew.

Pics of Yummy Fake People*

Thu, 3 Apr 08 17:46:00 UT

Borrowing some Sheepage: Pictures of 10 fictional characters I wouldn't kick out of bed.

ok, 1. These characters are exclusively from films or TV, meaning both that I've kept out characters from books and other media and that a few of these characters are real people...sorta.
So 2. There are a few here with a non-fiction basis but I've included them because I like them based on how they were portrayed in the movie (*like* them, like them).
3. Some good looking actors may have been left out because *they're* good looking but I found it hard to say the same about their characters with which I'm familiar. Sorry, Brendan Fraser.

So there.

Ana Pascal from Stranger Than Fiction

Jason Bourne from The Bourne Identity

Elizabeth I from Elizabeth

Tybolt from Romeo and Juliet

Ernesto "Che" Guevara from Diarios de motocicleta

CJ Cregg from The West Wing

Frida Kahlo from Frida

Dana Scully from The X-Files

Simon Tam from Firefly

Mohinder Suresh from Heroes

Pondering: Shy?

Thu, 3 Apr 08 14:15:00 UT

Enjoying: Gangs of New York w/ commentary by Martin Scorsese

(I have a lemming from Jen to get to. I'll get to it...eventually. }:> But this is on my mind now.)

My neice is maybe shy. Maybe she's stand-offish. Could be she's got the makings of a snob. She's five years old.

If she doesn't know you she'll keep away from you and refuse to directly engage you. She's always treated me this way, so much so that I think it's just become a thing. She obviously recognizes me but never says hello right off the bat. After a bit of hanging out and playing she'll chat with me and occasionally answer my questions if she's feeling like it. But if she's not I may as well not exist.

Another family member, a cousin noticed this once. And she called her shy. I said, no, she's like anyone else in the family. First she's gotta get warmed up to you, then you can't get her to shut up. My cousin knew exactly what I was talking about. We're like that in my family, for whatever reason. At least some of us: we won't jump into a situation assuming everyone is eager to see us and we don't feel like pretending we're eager to see everyone. But once we've taken the measure of comfort in our surroundings we open up and the torrent of whatever is on our minds just can't be dammed up. Anyone who's ever gotten my dad going can attest to how brief his salutations are compared to long it can be from "good-bye" to actually getting out the door.

My mom has always explained to other folks that I'm shy. My mom can be pretty outgoing, joking around and usually has something to say about anything on short-order topics - the things that are immediately on hand to talk about, aka small talk. Me, I'm terrible at chatting. At least, right off the bat. I don't know why, it's kind of bass-ackwards, but I'm much better at starting on a subject of some heft and then I can slip into talking about the chickenshit subjects like the weather and the guacamole recipe. Start me off with the social no-no's - religion, politics - or something in the humanities and I'll be engaged quick enough. With my dad it's history or the social sciences. But even my closest friends won't get much out of me at the top of the night with something like our clothes. And don't get me started on the inanities of "How are you?"

Anyway, I meant to get into the idea that I've run into time and again that I'm shy or stand-offish. And I think I'll go more with the label "stand-offish" because my descriptions of myself seems best summed up in that word over the many others available. I know I'm not shy because of how I'll go on and on. Maybe I'm reserved, once the signals I was waiting for (while not necessarily knowing I was waiting for them) are given then I open up. I have the things I fear, of course. And I associate shyness with fear. I can intimidate myself pretty severely when it comes to social situations, but I don't typically walk into a room feeling afraid. I walk in, I have an idea of where I'm going, I zero in and I head there. Obstacles in my way, people I don't know, it's all so much backdrop to a given situation. Unless I purposefully put myself into a frame of mind where taking in every detail of the evirons is what I'm there for, I do my observing as subtly and imperceptibly as possible. I think maybe tuning other people out is part due to carefully tuning in to the people I'm there with and part "not staring."

Like any kid, I think, I was taught not to stare at people. But for some reason I took that a few steps beyond and trained myself to default to not noticing people. That's only a default, I do notice people who try to be noticed. But folks quietly minding their own business are like wallpaper - quietly taken in to be associated with the ambience of a given locale and not afforded much of a second thought.

Maybe you would think with several years of LARPing and theatre stuff I would have learned gladhanding. But I've never been any good at the social stuff a lot of LARPs require. And theatre? Well, once in college someone remarked his surprise at my major considering several statements I made that bordered on misanthropic (oh, c'mon who's not at least a little misanthropic in college?). Actors, he noted, weren't typically found to be antisocial. I got as far as noting he made a mistake before an actor friend of mine interrupted to clarify that I wasn't in the School of Theatre to be an actor but a director. And that made all the difference.

I dunno... I don't mean to be antisocial, unfriendly or to alienate people. I would like to think that I'm quite warm and supportive of my friends and compassionate and cordial with everyone. But clearly that hasn't been the take away for a number of people.

When I'm not sure what to say, what to transmit, when what I do or don't say (and "say" is shorthand for everything that can be expressed, which is far more than mere words) is taken far off from what I intended, when I can't find the right time or place to interject myself, my thoughts, my identity, I hide. It isn't my default to avoid notice, it's my default to assume I'm not noticed. It's hard to undermine this assumption when, by and large, the people who react to me are folks I already know because I have a habit of holding back from interacting with people I don't know. Whenever someone reaches into my assumed cocoon and tries to pull me out by plying me with undesired attention my discomfort starts to get acute.

Optimally, attention paid to me comes under my terms. Now, forget for a minute that in reality that's an absurd hope. Consider, first, that this means (I think) that I'm not shy. I'm not self-effacing. I would not have been keeping an online journal for, lo, these many years if I were. But at least as far as transmission, I'm in complete control here. Perfect communication takes in reception as an essential factor but I have no control over that here so I have to hope for the best.

But since I can't realistically plan on getting attention on my own terms you would think that after so many spins around the sun I would have just gotten used to the plain fact that I'm visible, can't literally disappear into the woodwork and that I take up space. But the truth is, in moments of uncertainty - which at some times are more numerous and closer together than at other times - the best I can come up with is the same plan Jeff Goldblum had at one point in Independence Day, "Um, hide." It's the same plan my niece has when my sister and she walk in somewhere new, only I'm too tall to hide behind my mother's skirt. And my reaction to getting pulled out onto center stage when I already made up my mind to stay in the shadows is the same as my niece's, only I think I kick harder.

And she and I can carry a grudge like it's a badge. It won't last, of course. But if I feel harassed enough my heels dig in to such a point that I won't be looking for attention any time soon, even if I walked in thinking otherwise. Putting me on the spot is a fast track to getting on my shitlist.

So I hide. It's not that hard. Assuming no one gives a shit about me is a good way to ensure that no one gives a shit about me. Follow that up with clearing the mind and the eyes follow. Empty eyes aren't interesting so folks looking for business that's interesting will pass me by. Maybe it works... maybe it doesn't. I still get accosted from time to time on the street - not a big deal, typically, just folks who want attention or money. But if I live behind my face, covered by sunglasses, and studiously avoid looking strangers in the eye, I feel I'm as good as invisible. It's what I'm used to and thus where I'm comfortable.

Sure, Why not an Update?

Thu, 20 Mar 08 08:54:00 UT

Listening: Three Calamaties, Switchblade Symphony
Aches and Complaints: stupid cough
Enjoying: the space heater

So it's March and I still don't have a job. That, I think, is the primary reason I can't seem to get through a full night of sleep and wake up most mornings with my jaw aching from gritting my teeth.

Oddly, if my bank would just step on it with handing over the guarantee of title to the insurance company I would come into a bit of money that I wasn't anticipating. In the short term that would be very handy - it would pay off the loan on the old car and help me out with paying off my taxes. In the long term I still have a new car loan that I didn't really want. I would rather be in the hole with Uncle Sam but still looking at paying off my car in May. *sigh* (There must be a good reason for the hold up. My bank is usually right on top of things. When I wrap this up I'll give them a call.)

Got signed up with a recruiter who understands what I do and could help me find a job. That's not really the same thing as finding a job so I've gotta keep looking. I'm really kind of tired of it. I understand why people drop off the unemployment rolls since Unemployment means jobless and looking. Giving up means that's one less unemployed person, for the purposes of the gub'mint figuring the unemployment rate. But my savings are running low so I can't handle this without help for much longer. I dunno... am I supposed to be proud that I've made it for eight months without a penny from unemployment/welfare? That isn't going to last...if I don't find something soon I'll have to move in with my parents and/or go on the dole.

Also running out of projects to tell interviewers what I've been up to while sans job. I worked closely on three plays and wrote a chunk of a novel. They don't need to know that these are projects I would hope I could do while employed. My theatre resume has gotten pretty well beefed up and I've gotten a ton of experience that easily matches all that I learned in pursuit of my degree. Naturally if I could earn a living in theatre, however meager, I would do that in a heartbeat. But unless you're working in one of the really large houses, producing someone else's project such as a Broadway touring show, there just isn't any money in it. In my last gig as a stage manager for an avant garde company (it was really cool and I'm strongly considering joining) I made more money than anyone else involved - that's a supply/demand issue, they're desperate for stage managers. However that money I made barely paid a couple of bills. Just in time for the first paycheck I got a bout of iritis. And opthalmologist appointments and the necessary medicine ain't cheap. Just in time for the second paycheck I crashed my car. *Sigh*

Ah well, I've enjoyed the work immensely. I could go on and on for days on what I've learned. The natural logistics of juggling the needs of artists and pulling together all the needs of a play alone can be daunting. Then getting the needed artistic themes on the same page requires quite a different muscle from the one that makes sure shit gets done.... Stage managing is still easier than directing. You don't have to make any real decisions about the play, you just have to make sure what the director decided gets expressed. Be on time, make sure things go in the order they're supposed to go, improvise if necessary but just make sure the show goes according to plan. Directing, in part, requires having in mind the fully finished product and working all the elements of design and artistry to that end. It's trimming fat, sculpting raw talent, and demanding commitment to a given decision. I find it both easy and difficult. I can be naturally pretty bossy and when you walk into a room wearing the "boss" hat most folks look to you for some bossing around. But then a boss has to be very careful to nurture the talent of those responsible for the end product. In theatre that means not squashing an artist's instinct. It requires a great deal of creative and mental flexibility.

The play I just directed only has two actors. I kept the lighting and sound as simple as possible and the designers didn't really come in with a theme, so much as I told them what I wanted, they showed me what they could do and I modified it as necessary. I basically designed the set, though other folks very helpfully helped build stuff that we didn't already have on hand. I handled all the props and the actors' costumes are items out of their own closets. It's a one-act, about 20 minutes. So not the biggest challenge in the world. But still a lot of fun and it kept me on my toes. It's what comes of having no budget. The bulk of my work has been with the actors and that was eye opening. I'm glad I only had to work with two. More would have had my head spinning.

So anyway, the play opened last night. It only runs for this weekend. But so far people have been very complimentary. I think most important to me, the playwrite likes what I did with it.

It's been Lent and for the last several month I've been trying to improve a lot of my physical aspects. But I've really fallen down on the deal in the last couple of months. I've failed to exercise more than any point in the last five or six years. My diet has gone to shit as maybe half of what I eat now is fast food. I don't know what happened... I just gave up trying, preferring to just feel bad about myself after downing another burger and staying in all day. Every day I want to fix this and I'm resolute until enough time passes and I need to get to my plans for the day that don't leave any room for getting exercise or eating healthy. I just need to do it. Since last summer I've gained 15 hard-lost pounds. It's just all bad habits and self-pity and at a really disgusting time of the year for me. I don't need advice on how to approach this, I just need the discipline I had been employing for the last several years. So I'm trying again today.

Arg... and I've had a cold for all this week. It's been a particularly painful one with swollen glands and bad headaches. It's finally cleared up some today but I still have an irritating cough that won't go away.

I dunno if there's anything else to update on.... There's a guy I'm trying desperately to flirt around, except I suck at it and I'm told that if I don't do something along the lines of sticking my tongue down his throat he's going to keep thinking I'm just being friendly. But I already feel like a fool sticking by his side when I see him and grinning like an idiot. I'm not sure what is a safe, moderate ground between conversing and shoving his face in my chest. Something that says "Hi, I like you and I don't get to see you enough" without implying that I'm psychotic. And you know, something that encourages some statement on his part as to whether or not he might be amenable to the aforementioned tongue down the throat...that would be nice.

ok, now I'm really done. No more theatre lined up after this play (I'll work on changing that after a breather - I haven't had a weekend for fun since December); I need to get my ass a job; next weekend there's a rum tasting and another Firefly game; the weekend after that I'm going to an ani di franco show - that should fucking kick ass. }:>

Hope you are doing well.

Now Where did We Leave Off?

Fri, 8 Feb 08 14:31:00 UT

Listening: Canon, ani di franco
Desiring: money
Aches and Complaints: stupid eyes, stupid back

OK so it's 2008, all of a sudden. I mean it was coming, one day at a time, even. But it's here and February means it's serious. No foolin'. With it means I really, really have to find a job and must get cracking on a one act play I'm set to direct.

I spent January theoretically getting organized for both, but sorta not really. I was, however, stage managing a play. That was actually rewarding, though there were a couple weeks there where I knew I was not getting paid enough. I was getting paid, but no one gets paid enough in the world of theatre. Period. Actors get the worst of it since they almost never make any money. But the end of last month and top of this month were hard with over 40 hours put in to the place in seven days and long days before officially getting into tech week.

Just in advance of tech week my eyes flipped out and the iritis came back. It's settled pretty good into my right eye and it's looking to be a chronic episode. Fucking irritating just by the virtue of impairing my vision and the fact that treatment is a pain in the ass. Nevermind that I don't have an income, let alone health insurance and so I'm paying through the nose to see the ophthalmologist and buy the expensive meds. The fee I'll get for stage managing is just about spent on this. Gah.

But it's stayed on the inconvenient-but-not-handicapping side of things. So the first week was tough as I had to learned to juggle reading glasses for the first time in my life (turns out they fix the impairment one of the medicines gives me). So the show proceeded apace. I was very worried it would fuck the company. Instead they sailed with flying colors and I've been able to see them rock the house. BackStage West, the LA Times and LA CityBeat all dug the heck out of the show. Yay!

Of course, between rehearsals, shows and my up-coming one act, I haven't had a weekend since December. And I'm not going to get another one until the end of March. Woo, vocations!

Other than that... It's Lent. I stopped smoking for the while (with a possible break from the breaking on Sundays, maybe). It hasn't been the easiest even while I'm totally alone. It's going to be hard when I get out among smokers (every other person or more in theatre smokes).... Dietary restrictions make me feel tough and disciplined, that is when I'm not tired and sporting a negative blood sugar. But thinking about smoking makes me want to smoke. Even negative smoking ads end up making me want a smoke. It's a habit that comes out of muscle memory. I'm not chemically addicted (thankfully), but I got used to smoking at certain times and not doing it leaves me in this void, unsure of what to do next. Oh well, it's only 40 days.

Uh. What else? I only see a few friends every now and then. I've become a total hermit - except when I venture out to the theatre. There are ups and downs to this. The downs I'm pretty sure have to do with whatever happens when we forget how to get along with people. The ups mean I'm slightly more organized around the house. And I've been watching movies from Netflix like crazy. In particular lately I've been watching a lot of documentaries. The last several movies I've seen have been Tibet: Cry of the Snow Lion about Tibet's troubles since China invaded, The Nazi Officer's Wife about a woman who survided WW2 by living a double life and marrying a man who became a Nazi officer, The Party's Over about the 2000 election madness and An Unreasonable Man about Ralph Nader. The last two were fairly political, as you might imagine, effectively making me agitated all over again for the sort of politics I think our country deserves but sorely isn't getting. The timing on it is crazy (I certainly didn't intend this), but it helps me keep in mind why I'm a registered Green.

I'm never going to be interested in the Republicans, I think, even if they do nominate a guy who's not afraid of thinking. Forget speaking his mind, plenty of candidates do that, the things he says indicate his mind isn't bought and paid for by the party line. Even so, I'm not crazy about McCain so...moving on. Neither Sens Clinton nor Obama impress me, though for different reasons. The Clintons have never, ever struck me as progressive. Their moderate politics struck me as Republican lite as far back 1994. They squish every instinct to actually provide for people free of corporate influence and have the nerve to treat "liberal" as a dirty word. Well of course it would be to them, neither Hillary nor Bill is remotely liberal. Obama...is so friggin new I really don't know what all his flowery rhetoric means. Sure, he's inspiring at least for his words. But what has he actually done? He abstained from voting from a shit ton of bills in the Senate - including some he sponsored! I have to say...that doesn't sound very daring. I kind of look to candidates to stand for something and I'm still waiting to see that from Obama.

So I'm voting Green (McKinney) until someone actually impresses me. And yeah, it could be Nader again. We'll see.

Oh and yeah, with the primaries and the documentaries I should be distempered and feeling powerless, but for the last several nights I've been watching a lot of Daily Show online. That keeps me laughing and my blood pressure goes down and my desire to destroy all of humanity gets under control.

anyway... totally unrelated: in a little over a week I get to see Siouxsie! Woo!! And I'm trying to convince some folks to go see ani difranco in April....

a'ight that's mostly it.

another photo quiz

Mon, 4 Feb 08 14:30:00 UT

I'll try to do a real update soon. Right now I've been up for a couple of hours but I still feel woozy and morning-ish. But it's afternoon already. Really have to get a handle on my days...

anyway:
(I like this one because many of the results are completely nonsensical to what I meant....)
Rules:
1. Answer the questions below.
2. Take each answer and type it into the Photobucket image search.
3. Take a pic from the first page of results.
4. You can't use the same photo as the person who you took this survey from.
5. Give credit to where you got this from: Firewolf.

1. The age you will be on your next birthday:

2. The city closest to where you live:

I don't think this image is of the city I live in...but it's what came up.

3. Your favorite place to relax:

I don't tend to take the time to relax, even at coffee houses. But it's hard to be stressed in them.

4. Your favorite object:
my

I don't really have a favorite object, but I try to keep Euterpe around at all times.

5. Your Chinese zodiac sign:

6. Your regular zodiac sign:

[censored], or, if you know it you can look it up yourself!

7. Your favorite food:

for right now...

8. City you were born in:

9. Name of your pet(s):

awww...And ironic considering my search query.

10. Last movie you saw:

the first image was broken so I don't know if it may have been at all relevant to the film. (I think obviously this image isn't.)

The last film I saw at the movies was:

11. Favorite movie:

ok I cheated a little bit. The first result was of someone's gross, bloody mouth - like acne, gross, not vampiric or something. This image is at least from the movie.

Digging out (+ photo quiz)

Mon, 28 Jan 08 15:26:00 UT

Listening: Euterpe

Bored and lonely today, fighting off the blues. The great discovery I've made from this months-long break from gainful employment is that stress always carries a hefty dose of depression. When I'm not stressed, I'm more or less happy. An increase in stress automatically means anxiety and depression jump up. At least I know what to look out for.

This month I've been stage managing a play in Silverlake. This past weekend was solid work and I barely got to be anywhere that wasn't the theatre. It's cool but tedious. Somewhere along the way there's supposed to be some money too, though not remotely much. Still it'll help with surprise doctor's bills. The play opens Friday. That night is nearly sold out and stuffed with Ovation voters. The next night is sold out and Sunday night is half sold out. Just a smidge stressed over here.

Anyway, I'm doing this quiz to put off looking up my local temp agencies:

1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take a picture from the first page of results and post.
4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!

1. Your name:

2. Place you'd like to to travel:

3. Favorite place:

4. Favorite drink:

5. Favorite animal:

6. Favorite color:

7. Name of significant other:

8. Favorite actor/actress:

or

(I can't decide!!)

9. Nickname:

10. First job:

11. A bad habit you have:

12. Worst fear:

13. Favorite TV show:

14. Music you're listening to:

15. What did you last eat: