Hehe...and all I wanted was the license to practice law!?!?
Hey, Rob: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. :)

Dating. A label. Oh, crap. I loathe labeling relationships. It somehow does things to the people in and to the relationship itself. Identities get lost. Instead of having a name, you have a title. "Hi, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend / wife / date / etc." Excuse me, um, am I no longer ME??? Helloooooo, I have a name; or did you forget??? I am not sure how the conversation progressed from me explaining why I was bugged to hearing Rob's label, but I know it got there. *sigh* Worse yet, he is right; I am just so anti that I need time to absorb the information. Then what? Neither of us choose to date other people, but the option remains open. Neither of us wants an exclusive dating thing. But, I don't want any label at all, and, worse, I don't think I would handle him dating someone else very well. In fact, I know it. Too attached here. WAY too attached. Talk about contradictions. Despite my attempts to resolve this contradiction, I have not succeeded as yet. Of course, if he goes on a date with someone else, it may solve itself. Badly. Moving back to the part about being bugged... Rob said he thinks I am in the same place he found himself awhile ago - trying to put emotions in check. He correctly pointed out a track record of mine, which I am honest about - it is easier to bale out than to get close enough to get hurt or to deal with burdensome emotional crap. I tried that. I didn't work. I do often think about the option, but doubt I would take that drastic step again because of the consequences it brought at the first attempt. Some thoughts going through my mind last night were why the emotional crap has been happening so often lately, why I am so resistant to a label which is accurate in definition, and why I am resistant to it going anywhere beyond where it is. Maybe some answers are that I did not block my emotions enough, so I got closer than I am willing to think about so I do not have to admit it, that a label adds pressures and demands that I (and I don't think he) want, and that I resist because going any further scares the living bejeezies out of me. No new information here, really. Oh, but along the way of the conversation I did find out that he is in a different place emotionally than I thought. I don't have a good or bad reaction, just a reaction that I let my guard down too much in certain aspects. Need to decide if I am going to backtrack and withhold more than I have been or keep it down. Track record: withhold. Reality of this occassion: undecided.

Enough of that subject. Called the 'aunt' this morning to confirm whether or not we are going to meet. Yes. Okay, but where? I want a neutral place - you know, Dennys, a coffee place, anywhere but their home. Karma must be coming down on me for something I have done because she said, "No." She followed that up with, "Well, maybe we shouldn't get together." Seriously, I fought all impulse to agree with her. I do NOT want to meet at their home. I do NOT want to be somewhere so uncomfortable for me in SO many ways. However, I want to get this over and done with. Based upon information from my cousin, it would not behoove me to delay this. Then, as if I wasn't trying to process enough information, she throws in for good measure, "I have a broken arm. It is not in a cast or anything, but I have a hard enought time getting dressed in the morning. I do not feel like going out anywhere." Part of me thinks the entire excuse is bullsh** and provides an 'in' for my 'uncle' to see me; part of me thinks it is a way for her to keep the upperhand and force me into her territory; and part of me thinks, if it is true, I would be understanding even to a stranger, so I should be here too. I want to scream and I want to scream LOUD! My entire childhood, I remember they always called the shots and somehow forced everything to go their way. Being the dipsh** that I am, I conceded, but only after she promised we could sit on the porch or in their yard (anything but in the house). Not a compromise, but certainly better than the worse case scenario. I am sure I will write tonight about the grisly details.

On the weight front, I am down even more. YAY! I even managed to find a salad at Tragic yesterday, rather than a burger or whatever. Not bad. Go on with my bad self - uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh... Almost down another size, but not quite. The yummy stuff from Rob's mom will help; she sent me some healthy and (hopefully) scrumdillityumptious cheesecake protein mix. I can handle that. The best part? It doesn't require any cooking. Oh yeah! Same with the blueberry bars - all good for me, and no bad.

Well, I better finish getting ready and head on outta here. Nice long drive to BFE for this 'meeting'. Kenny, if you are still following along, think, "Further than the BFE which we have previously discussed." Yep. Serious nothingness out there. It makes me appreciate living where I do - and there isn't much that makes me appreciate living in the city. I am a suburb kinda girl...


Your soul is bound to the Seventh Totem,
Pandora: The Spider.

Pandora appears as an amethyst spider. She embodies creativity, imagination, craft, and virtuosity. She is associated with the color amethyst, the season of autumn, and the element of wind. Her downfall is daydreaming.
You are most compatible with Tortoises and Cockroaches.>