:Shennanigans:

There is actually alot going on with the hamsters since last night. Ya know, and it was unexpected, a bit sad and lethargic, and oddly rejuvenating in a manner of speaking.

I wrapped up yet more doctors appointments, the dentist, and what-not and found myself shopping. Anyone can tell you I am not a particularly great shopper - give me a list, a store, or it needs to be home decor stuff for me to really enjoy shopping. Not so yesterday. Found myself in Bloomingdales, where, Netta you are going to be SO proud of me, I bought THE hat. I spent the money, bit the bullet, and bought the hat because it is the first one I have put on that made me feel good, optimistic, and happy. Happy. It made me smile in the mirror. Then I found a second one.

All along I had this preconceived notion of what hat I would want, what it would look like, and how it would make me feel. I could not have been further off the mark. First, I landed with bucket hats, rather than the beret style I thought I would be comfortable in. Roomier on the sides of the head, softer all around, more versatile, and WAY more to choose from. Incredible. Never thought I would spend that kind of money on two hats, but as I left, I was smiling; and THAT, my friends, was the nicest present anyone could have given.

I roamed through the mall for awhile perusing Sephora and Macys. Found some sparkly eyeshadow and some face powder, which I actually did need at Sephora. I also am newly IN LOVE folks! Sephora sells Lime shower soap now! YAY! I adore lime. I bought the largest bottle and the matching gloss and came home high from the euphoria of it. I want more. Cannot afford more, but the greed, the desire, the bubbly feeling in the tummy - GIMME MORE! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

I also, quite unexpectedly, came across dress shoes for work I have been hunting for more than THREE years! Nine West makes them every so many years, and they sell like a pig on a spicket post during a college football rally. On sale. YES - ON SALE! Bought two pairs - black and brown. Could not be happier. I have been taking mine in for the past three years every so often to have the soles remade, the sides restitched, and the heels repaired. No more. YAY! I admit, this sounds drastic, but I have OWNED these shoes since 1995! When you find the right pair of shoes, it becomes increasingly difficult to justify switching brands and/or styles. *twitches with angst at the thought*

After the glee of success, I met up with S for dinner and a bit of social catching up. Decided on dinner at a place called Grand Lux Cafe. Yummers! I had a bowl of cajun chicken soup and a salad which was to die for. The soup, however, is what made it for me - I love a good soup and this soup was beyond melt on the tongue and warm up all the fuzzies you ever had in your body. Amazing. Over dinner we managed to catch up on everything. He is such a calming influence over me, helps keep things in perspective, and really points out in way no one else is able things which should be obvious, but often are not to me. I adore him for being him.

I was okay until we had to leave. It hit. He said, "I am so proud of ou for being so upbeat." What? I mean, I am trying, but I sure do not feel like I am doing very good on the inside alot of time. It made me feel sad to hear that - not because I am not trying to keep focused and upbeat, but because it feels like it should not be something to be proud of - it is just something that HAS to be done or I will go crazy. I dunno. Something struck a chord. I still have not really pinpoint what the chord is, but I am working on it. The sooner I find the basta**, the sooner I can conquer whatever devilish thing is lurking behind it.

On the way home I also found myself dealing with the first true bout of sadness about the possibility of losing my hearing. It sounds silly in retrospect, but it hit SO HARD and felt so incredibly emptying to me in my soul and in my heart. I have always escaped into music. I can surroundmyself with music and feel warm and safe and enveloped, like in my mom's arms. What happens when I can only hear half? Will I be able to *feel* the music the same? Have the same peace? The same warm enveloping embrace from it? Will I want to keep singing at the top of my lungs in the car or the house, to sing to R for fun? The answers are all the same - no one knows. All the books, all the doctors, all the literature in the World say that everyone deals with the loss different from any other person and, for music lovers, is the single most difficult part of recovery. It is one of the highest rated reasons for falling into depression. I do not like being depressed. I am doing EVERYTHING every doctor, person, and/or book says to do to avoid the depression, including spending a fortune in hats, sparkly dangling earrings, and big sparkly sunglasses meant only for the likes of Audrey Hepburn! Alas, how can one prepare for not hearing music in stereo? For losing something that creates a safe haven or a manner of meditation?

I realized, as these thoughts came crashiing over me that the last concert R and I attended was Celtic Woman. It was one of those amazing nights that you never forget. He looked incredible in his suit, I had the most beautiful little dress on that he picked out for me, and *sigh* the music... They are coming back to Long Beach in a few months, and I wonder - will I have my hearing? Will I be the lucky 1 in 5 who gets to make the mark in medical science? Will we be able to go out, buy Celtic Woman tickets, go to that show together, and *feel* it the way music is meant to be felt? Then the thoughts creep in that the answers may be, "No." And I realized, just last night, that I have not prepared myself to deal with that answer. Not even close. I know that the chances are greater against me, yet I find mself avoiding facing the truth head-on that this is final. There are no do-overs in this process and when I wake up next Thursday, I will either have my life and health and one of the most precious commodities God gave me, or I will not. There is something too overwhelming about processing that kind of information.

The tears are falling and they are making me feel even more useless to myself, but at the same time I wonder if the tears are the only way I will ever be able to face the facts of what is happening. I wish I knew. I try to plug my ears and see inside myself and what it may be like to live with one half of a head. That is how it is described - like you are vacant on one side of your head. No matter how much cotton you shove in there though, you hear the sounds of your body, and those sounds will not be there anymore - no blood pulsing, no rythmic pulsating, no breezing flutters of wind, nothing. There is just no way to conceive the reality of what could be in store, and that is scary - not being able to create an environment so I can prepare myself and be ready for the worst case scenario. The unknown, the abyss, always seems to loom greater in imagination than in reality, but when reality gets this dark and scary because of so many unknowns and things which cannot be prepared for, any comprehension goes out the window.

Oh, and it occurred to me that I did not get to see R other than a few passing moments as I was leaving and he was coming in to get some sleep...it was the 7th all day. We have been married for eight months. Who knew eight months could feel so long, so short, and so many lengths in between. Happy Anniversary, R. Thank you. Thank you over and over again for being the pillar that you are being. I love you.

Arrivederci, but only for now!

P.S. I also found two more hats on Amazon...check them out (the pink one is the original style I thought I would want - beret style, and I love it so much, I still boought it; and the other is the bucket style which I never imagined I would like, but LOVE - picked that up in a dark brown)!

Ghost Orchid - are they not simply lovely?

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2008-03-08 6:50 AM into the great abyss Previous Entry :: Next Entry Mood: a myriad of moods Read/Post Comments (5)	There is actually alot going on with the hamsters since last night. Ya know, and it was unexpected, a bit sad and lethargic, and oddly rejuvenating in a manner of speaking. I wrapped up yet more doctors appointments, the dentist, and what-not and found myself shopping. Anyone can tell you I am not a particularly great shopper - give me a list, a store, or it needs to be home decor stuff for me to really enjoy shopping. Not so yesterday. Found myself in Bloomingdales, where, Netta you are going to be SO proud of me, I bought THE hat. I spent the money, bit the bullet, and bought the hat because it is the first one I have put on that made me feel good, optimistic, and happy. Happy. It made me smile in the mirror. Then I found a second one. All along I had this preconceived notion of what hat I would want, what it would look like, and how it would make me feel. I could not have been further off the mark. First, I landed with bucket hats, rather than the beret style I thought I would be comfortable in. Roomier on the sides of the head, softer all around, more versatile, and WAY more to choose from. Incredible. Never thought I would spend that kind of money on two hats, but as I left, I was smiling; and THAT, my friends, was the nicest present anyone could have given. I roamed through the mall for awhile perusing Sephora and Macys. Found some sparkly eyeshadow and some face powder, which I actually did need at Sephora. I also am newly IN LOVE folks! Sephora sells Lime shower soap now! YAY! I adore lime. I bought the largest bottle and the matching gloss and came home high from the euphoria of it. I want more. Cannot afford more, but the greed, the desire, the bubbly feeling in the tummy - GIMME MORE! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I also, quite unexpectedly, came across dress shoes for work I have been hunting for more than THREE years! Nine West makes them every so many years, and they sell like a pig on a spicket post during a college football rally. On sale. YES - ON SALE! Bought two pairs - black and brown. Could not be happier. I have been taking mine in for the past three years every so often to have the soles remade, the sides restitched, and the heels repaired. No more. YAY! I admit, this sounds drastic, but I have OWNED these shoes since 1995! When you find the right pair of shoes, it becomes increasingly difficult to justify switching brands and/or styles. twitches with angst at the thought After the glee of success, I met up with S for dinner and a bit of social catching up. Decided on dinner at a place called Grand Lux Cafe. Yummers! I had a bowl of cajun chicken soup and a salad which was to die for. The soup, however, is what made it for me - I love a good soup and this soup was beyond melt on the tongue and warm up all the fuzzies you ever had in your body. Amazing. Over dinner we managed to catch up on everything. He is such a calming influence over me, helps keep things in perspective, and really points out in way no one else is able things which should be obvious, but often are not to me. I adore him for being him. I was okay until we had to leave. It hit. He said, "I am so proud of ou for being so upbeat." What? I mean, I am trying, but I sure do not feel like I am doing very good on the inside alot of time. It made me feel sad to hear that - not because I am not trying to keep focused and upbeat, but because it feels like it should not be something to be proud of - it is just something that HAS to be done or I will go crazy. I dunno. Something struck a chord. I still have not really pinpoint what the chord is, but I am working on it. The sooner I find the basta*, the sooner I can conquer whatever devilish thing is lurking behind it. On the way home I also found myself dealing with the first true bout of sadness about the possibility of losing my hearing. It sounds silly in retrospect, but it hit SO HARD and felt so incredibly emptying to me in my soul and in my heart. I have always escaped into music. I can surroundmyself with music and feel warm and safe and enveloped, like in my mom's arms. What happens when I can only hear half? Will I be able to feel* the music the same? Have the same peace? The same warm enveloping embrace from it? Will I want to keep singing at the top of my lungs in the car or the house, to sing to R for fun? The answers are all the same - no one knows. All the books, all the doctors, all the literature in the World say that everyone deals with the loss different from any other person and, for music lovers, is the single most difficult part of recovery. It is one of the highest rated reasons for falling into depression. I do not like being depressed. I am doing EVERYTHING every doctor, person, and/or book says to do to avoid the depression, including spending a fortune in hats, sparkly dangling earrings, and big sparkly sunglasses meant only for the likes of Audrey Hepburn! Alas, how can one prepare for not hearing music in stereo? For losing something that creates a safe haven or a manner of meditation? I realized, as these thoughts came crashiing over me that the last concert R and I attended was Celtic Woman. It was one of those amazing nights that you never forget. He looked incredible in his suit, I had the most beautiful little dress on that he picked out for me, and sigh the music... They are coming back to Long Beach in a few months, and I wonder - will I have my hearing? Will I be the lucky 1 in 5 who gets to make the mark in medical science? Will we be able to go out, buy Celtic Woman tickets, go to that show together, and feel it the way music is meant to be felt? Then the thoughts creep in that the answers may be, "No." And I realized, just last night, that I have not prepared myself to deal with that answer. Not even close. I know that the chances are greater against me, yet I find mself avoiding facing the truth head-on that this is final. There are no do-overs in this process and when I wake up next Thursday, I will either have my life and health and one of the most precious commodities God gave me, or I will not. There is something too overwhelming about processing that kind of information. The tears are falling and they are making me feel even more useless to myself, but at the same time I wonder if the tears are the only way I will ever be able to face the facts of what is happening. I wish I knew. I try to plug my ears and see inside myself and what it may be like to live with one half of a head. That is how it is described - like you are vacant on one side of your head. No matter how much cotton you shove in there though, you hear the sounds of your body, and those sounds will not be there anymore - no blood pulsing, no rythmic pulsating, no breezing flutters of wind, nothing. There is just no way to conceive the reality of what could be in store, and that is scary - not being able to create an environment so I can prepare myself and be ready for the worst case scenario. The unknown, the abyss, always seems to loom greater in imagination than in reality, but when reality gets this dark and scary because of so many unknowns and things which cannot be prepared for, any comprehension goes out the window. Oh, and it occurred to me that I did not get to see R other than a few passing moments as I was leaving and he was coming in to get some sleep...it was the 7th all day. We have been married for eight months. Who knew eight months could feel so long, so short, and so many lengths in between. Happy Anniversary, R. Thank you. Thank you over and over again for being the pillar that you are being. I love you. Arrivederci, but only for now! P.S. I also found two more hats on Amazon...check them out (the pink one is the original style I thought I would want - beret style, and I love it so much, I still boought it; and the other is the bucket style which I never imagined I would like, but LOVE - picked that up in a dark brown)! Ghost Orchid - are they not simply lovely? Read/Post Comments (5) Previous Entry :: Next Entry Back to Top
:: JOURNAL HOME :: SUBSCRIBE TO THIS JOURNAL :: Brainsalad :: Friendly Fiction - Adventures in writing. :: Girl Child :: JamTart :: Kenny :: LisaMarie :: Netter...and her Empire :: Reenie :: RT :: Scout :: SmartiPlants :: WordWebbing ::