I dreamt about Sam again last night. The dreams are getting more and more frequent, and I'm starting to look forward to sleeping more than ever. There were two last night. The first one he just came home...walked right in the door as if nothing had happened. He was angry with me because he found something out about me and another guy, though I knew that there was a larger truth he hadn't yet found out about. I was terrified that he would discover everything, and I knew that as he started cleaning the house, he would know the truth and leave forever.

In the second dream I was trapped in one of the elevators at work. My boss and a few others were in there, and it was extremely scary. Eventually I just pushed the doors open to find that we were between floors, so I climbed out and dragged everyone else out one by one. I went outside and I was in the parking lot of my elementary school. Sam was there waiting for me in the "Red Rodge" with Sammy and Brittany. The kids were sitting in the bed of the truck, and he was standing there without a shirt on. I approached him and was terrified that he was angry with me. He just looked and me, and puckered his lips for a kiss. I jumped into his arms and wrapped my arms and legs around him, and I kissed him. He carried me over to the fire chief to introduce me as his girlfriend, and I remember thinking, "I already met him the night you died, Sam." That's all that I remember.

I seem to be getting worse, as time goes by. I was living normally for awhile, or things seemed normal, if a little empty. I'm starting to want to leave the house less and less, I've stopped answering my phone all of the time, I've made fewer and fewer phone calls. I miss him more and more every second. That sick, horrible feeling that spread through my chest and my stomach the first morning that I woke up without him...that first morning I hoped I had dreamt it all...is starting to stay with me all of the time.

As for the awake part of my life...things are much the same. I'm working my butt off, but I'm looking forward to having Labor Day off of both jobs...I'm thinking about driving somewhere alone. I can just tell everyone that I'm working, and go somewhere. Of course, I'll probably end up staying home and cleaning my house.

Today is Stacy's birthday, and I know she wants to go out tonight. I'm just so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is go to a bar tonight. I tried tell her but she doesn't seem to understand. It was more like a little girl stomping her foot, screaming, and poking her lower lip out, saying, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! I WANT TO GO OUT!" So much for understanding friends. Yeah...I need to find some of those. I just spoke with her mother and I guess we're meeting for dinner at 5:45. I'm supposed to work until 6:00 today...guess I have to leave early AGAIN.

Jeez...All I do is complain. I'm starting to get sick of MYSELF!