Last night I had another night off. It was anything but relaxing. I'm so restless right now that I don't even know what to do with myself. Usually a night off for me is spending time with friends, sleeping, or running errands. Last night I paced. When I ran out of room to pace in my home I drove to the nearest store (a K-Mart) and paced there.

A few months ago when I was broke I used to walk around in the stores at night just to kill time. It was like I was waiting for something. I hoped that working about 70 hours a week would alleviate some of my restlessness, but it hasn't. I'm still waiting for something, and I can't figure out what it is. So now I shop. I suppose that a "therapist" (I'm against therapy...but whatever) would tell me I'm trying to fill an emotional void by buying things. Maybe, but my blue fuzzy blanket sure kept me warm last night, and my blue fuzzy towels look perfect in my bathroom.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I don't want to wake up in twenty years and realize that I wasted my entire life. My life changed so dramatically ten months ago, and I haven't let go of my old plan of what my life would be like with Sam. I didn't have a back-up plan, and now I don't know what to do anymore...I've never been all that great with decisions.

My biggest problem is that I have a hard time really caring about anything. I don't really care about my job (my "real" job that is). I don't really care that my house is a mess, that I don't have time to spend time with my friends...I used to care about so many things and people, and nothing really matters anymore. I don't care whether or not I can pay my bills. I just can't make myself get upset about anything, or excited, or angry, or sad, or happy...I just feel...flat.

I know that I SHOULD get my act together and get my B-school application in...but I don't even know if I want to go. If I don't care about anything now, I might not care about classes or papers or profs or classmates. Then I'll waste 100K on tuition when I could've spent two years wondering around K-Marts, buying blankets and towels. Plus I really don't know if I belong in the world of MBAs...they're too stuffy for me...

Oh...well...I'm feeling restless this morning as well. Mmm...guess I'll get up from my desk and go to Starbucks....

Anything to kill time.