It's a good thing that I haven't told anyone about this journal. I sound so horrible here, like a melodramatic teenager. Sadly enough, however, this is my only place to think out loud and vent and send it somewhere, anywhere, where it will hopefully dissipate instead of coursing in and out of my mind all day, driving me mad.

I'm so angry. I can't explain it. I'm angry at everyone and everything. Sometimes I wish that everyone in my life would just stay the hell away from me. I feel that the only human contact I have is with people who want or need something from me. My life is a cycle of working and sleeping and doing things for other people. Nobody gives a shit that I'm physically and mentally exhausted. That I don't have time to clean my house or buy socks to replace the ones that my dogs keep chewing up. I hate this feeling, but I'm so angry right now that I have to struggle to hold back the tears.

I'm planning this damn baby shower for my friend Jessica, and I can't stand it anymore. I've spent hundreds of hours and dollars already, and I'm only halfway done. Last night I actually had plans to do something for me, but she insisted we needed to go shopping for more fucking decorations, so I had to drop everything and go. Tonight it's more of the same, and though I'd rather just finish this on my own, she insists on going too, though she has no opinion on anything and holds me up by ambling through the stores looking for her brand of facial astringent. Why can't she do that shit on her own time? Does the fact that I work 70 hours a week mean nothing to her? And she nags. She nags all damn day. She calls me at work at least eight times a day to nag. I can't take it. She's my best friend and I don't even want to speak to her anymore. She insisted that I go to see her damn ultrasound on Sam's birthday. She insisted on going to the cemetery with me. Though I told her for weeks I wanted to be alone that day, she just didn't give a shit. She doesn't listen to a thing I tell her about my own life, so I don't even bother anymore. I just sit there and listen.

My mother is dying. I haven't seen her in weeks and she lives fifteen minutes away from me. Every time I have plans to go there someone else demands something from me. When she's gone...that's it. I can't even talk about it with the immature morons I have as friends because they always say the most amazingly insensitive things and the anger builds. They ask stupid questions like, "isn't she on medication?", like medication can just cure a non-curable, chronic, progressive disease. I would just love someone to listen, to understand. Maybe I really do need therapy.

Is it selfish to ask for someone in my life to be there for me? Is it selfish of me to feel so resentful towards the people in my life who are constantly asking things of me, my time, my advice, my money, my shoulder to cry on? Where's my shoulder? Because I have to say, though I act strong and capable, I really need one. More than anyone will ever understand.

I guess all these friends of mine that are having babies and getting married just look at me, with nothing to do but work, and assume that all I want to do is cater to their own lives.

There's so many things I don't have time for. My family, Sam's children, Sam's family, my friends...there are so many people looking to me for so many things. I feel so horrible wishing for something more for myself, but I can't help it.