Well...the shower madness is over. Thank goodness. And now back to your regular programming, already in progress...

Everything on Sunday went well, other than some random animosity from the mother-to-be's godmother. I don't know what that was about, but I could care less. The nastier she was to me, the more hilarious I found her, until I left with the last bottle of wine and ended up glued to my couch last night, chuckling to myself. The hall looked beautiful, the food was great...I'm pleased. If I were having a baby, I'd want someone like me to throw the shower...hee! Oh, now there's a thought, maybe one day I'll get to torture some poor girl as she throws my shower. Hmmm...pay back's a bitch, I'll have to remember this if the time comes.

I also got some absolutely wonderful news from my sisters. They are buying me...(drum roll, please)...a BED for my birthday. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. We're going to IKEA in Pittsburgh this weekend and we'll get the mattresses from someplace local. I can't wait! Goodbye back pain!

I'm finally getting a few things resolved mentally/emotially. I've finally decided that I need to take action. I haven't done anything other than exist for the past year. My house looks like it's still waiting for Sam and the kids to come home. I'm going to start packing things away, cleaning, and fixing up the house. It needs it, I need it. I spoke with Sam's mother and she wants to help. She thinks it'll be easier for us all if we stop putting things off. The basement, the garage, and the upstairs storage is filled with things that need to be dealt with. I want to clean and paint and redecorate. I can't ever move on if I don't let go...just a little bit. I've been so afraid that if I do these things it'll look like I'm adjusting too well, or that it will seem that I don't care. I realize that the way I'm living just isn't good for me, and I need to make some changes.

Jeff got upset with me on Saturday night. He wanted to stop over and I refused to let him. I feel strange about having him in my house...I still feel like it's Sam's house. He wasn't angry, he was just confused and I think a little bit hurt. He thinks I don't trust him or something, and kept telling me that he didn't understand why I didn't want him there. I couldn't give him an answer. It will always be Sam's house, in a way, but I need to make it mine.