More nightmares last night. Sam was back. He had been fired from the fire department for disappearing for so long, and he was working at a dry cleaner. He called me twice and left messages, telling me that we were through. His daughter was driving me around town (she aged from 10 to 16 beautifully) trying to help me find him. I was wearing a halter top and my back was sunburnt.

My life is stagnant. There's really nothing much to say about anything. Jessica should be having her baby any day now. She wants me to be in the delivery room with her. Friends who have seen the birth of a child tell me that my life will never be the same, that I'll be changed forever. I can't imagine any experience (well...other than a certain death) that could have that kind of impact on me. I'm praying that it does...that everything is different afterwards...that I feel completely different.

Last weekend was too weak to bother writing about. Friday night was surreal and disappointing. Saturday it was just my beagles and the couch, watching the Saturday night movie. Sunday I worked. Last night was darts.

I need to get away. Don't know what from or where to, but every time I get in my car I just want to keep going. I think of hopping on 90 W and just driving. I've never really gone that way. I don't want a map or a phone or a computer. All I want is a pocket full of a cash, my CD's, a few packs of cigarettes...I think the only reason I haven't done it yet is the dogs. Reme hates going in the car, and it would be very difficult taking them with me. If I left them here I'd have to have a dog sitter, which would mean questions, which would require explanations, which would entirely defeat the purpose of my leaving. So there you have it. Here I am.