Didn't have a very exciting night last night. I went to the library for the first time in eons...I'm not big on borrowing books, I like to buy. I made some brownies, sat on the couch, couldn't concentrate on reading, couldn't concentrate on television, and I didn't feel like doing anything constructive (like studying for the GMAT which I need to take in, oh, about six weeks).

I ended up doing what I normally do, blaring the radio, pacing my living room, smoking, and thinking. It's funny but this journal has got me writing at home more than ever, and had me wishing last night that I had a laptop so that my hands could keep up with the chatter in my head.

And so instead of being brave and actually living, I relive the last four years in my head. Sometimes I can convince myself that he's still with me. Other times, like last night, I can't erase the night of November 19 from my head...So I listen to the songs that break my heart, and I keep sleeping and waking up and working...over and over again...not really caring about anything.

Goldfinger sings in my head....

"So here I go,
and there you went again
Just another stupid thing
that I've done wrong.
Locked up in my head.
Locked down, beaten, left for dead
With all those brilliant things I should've said.
I've gotta get away, find something to do
Cause everything I hear,
everything I see
reminds me of you...
still counting the days I've been without you
still counting the days that you've been gone"

Then there's always Weezer:

"Cause everything I need
is denied me
and everything I want
is taken away from me
and who've I got to blame?
Nobody but me"

And Local H, the nail in the coffin:

"Your words hit me, just last night.
When I saw with the aftersight
what was on your mind.
It's too late, to ever change
Things got a little bit strange
You were too far behind.
And the reasons I have to live
Are the reasons you would give
To throw it all away.
Save and freeze up our tears
Catalog all our fears.
Give in to the stretching years.
But that's ok.
That's ok.
That's ok.
I'm not ok."

I can think of Sam, singing the Smashing Pumkins, tears in his eyes. The song reminded him of his own father, who hung himself:

"What I choose is my voice.
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you."

The Verve Pipe:

"For the life of me,
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise..."

Kid Rock:

"I was hiding from the sun once again
I was running from time my friend
I lost another war.
So I poured one more
and I went home drunk again..."

Then back to my boys, Weezer:

"Yesterday I went outside
With my Momma's mason jar
Caught a lovely buttefly.
When I woke up today
Looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast.
I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
Every time I pin down what I think I want
it slips away - the ghost slips away.

Smell you on my hand for days
I can't wash away your scent
If I'm a dog then you're a bitch.
I guess you're as real as me
Maybe I can live with that
Maybe I need fantasies
A life of chasing butterfly.
I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
Every time I pin down what I think I want
it slips away - the ghost slips away.

I told you I would return,
when the robin makes hisr nest,
but I ain't never coming back.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.