This morning as I drove to work, Weezer played on the radio:

I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you
just try and be cool.
and I say
This way is a waterslide away from me
that takes you further every day
So be cool

say it ain't so
your drug is a heartbreaker
say it ain't so,
my love is a lifetaker...

It happened one year ago. Monday I drank myself sober. Last night I tried to laugh, watched Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels. I though of Sam reciting lines from Snatch..."That's not a gun that's a fucking anti-aircraft weapon!" I retraced all of my steps. I followed him to his truck, the box of shells, fell down the steps, tried to knock the door down, followed him into the house, agreed to go to bed, turned out the light, and then...

I didn't run to the neighbor's this time for help. I layed down on the floor next to him. That's what I'd have done, if I'd known that he was gone. Don't know how I thought he could've lived. I would've kissed the palm of this hand and the back of his neck. I would've rested my head on his shoulder and told him I loved him...I'm sorry and good-bye. I never got to see him again.

I wish I knew that this would get easier. It doesn't seem like it has. Not after nine hours and 365 days.

I have to work a half a day today. Didn't have enough vacation time to take the whole day off. I don't mind that I'll have to work on Christmas Eve or New Years Eve. Holidays are a joke to me. But I have to put up with them. I have to act like all is well so that no one asks questions...worries. I hate it.

I'm listening to beautiful songs today. I went into the basement this morning to dig through more CDs. I must have almost six hundred by now. This one is one of my favorites. Elvis Costello's Indoor Fireworks--

We play these parlour games
We play at make believe
When we get to the part where I say that I'm going to leave
Everybody loves a happy ending but we don't even try
We go straight past pretending
To the part where everybody loves to cry

Indoor fireworks
Can still burn your fingers
Indoor fireworks
We swore we were safe as houses
They're not so spectacular
They don't burn up in the sky
But they can dazzle or delight
Or bring a tear
When the smoke gets in your eyes

You were the spice of life
The gin in my vermouth
And though the sparks would fly
I thought our love was fireproof
Sometimes we'd fight in public darling
With very little cause
But different kinds of sparks would fly
When we got on our own behind closed doors

Indoor fireworks
Can still burn your fingers
Indoor fireworks
We swore we were safe as houses
They're not so spectacular
They don't burn up in the sky
But they can dazzle or delight
Or bring a tear
When the smoke gets in your eyes

It's time to tell the truth
These things have to be faced
My fuse is burning out
And all that powder's gone to waste
Don't think for a moment dear that we'll ever be through
I'll build a bonfire of my dreams
And burn a broken effigy of me and you

Indoor fireworks
Can still burn your fingers
Indoor fireworks
We swore we were safe as houses
They're not so spectacular
They don't burn up in the sky
But they can dazzle or delight
Or bring a tear
When the smoke gets in your eyes

I found a Buffalo Tom CD that I'd forgotten about...listened to it and thought of high school and who I used to be. "Soft words spoken, promises broken, mention of her name..." I have no idea how I could have forgotten this music. Some I could live without forever (Smashmouth? What was I thinking?), some that didn't hold up over time, and some that were complete surprises to me (the Refreshments comes to mind).

I laugh when I see the dichotomy of CD's in the 300-disc changer at home. Sam and I...complete different music tastes. I liked indie, alt rock, punk, and others along that vein. His music choices were Straight Out of Compton...I don't even know the names of those rappers. Ice Cube, I think. Dre...Snoop...I don't know. I can't stand it. That was his "old school" crap. He pirated my Metallica CD's, though, along with my Beastie Boys, Sublime, Marilyn Manson, and Rob Zombie. Some of my CD's he refused to let me listen to. He hated Belly, Ash, and my old Fountains of Wayne. When we did find a common ground, it thrilled us both.

I remember him singing The Flys, Got You Where I Want You. I had goosebumps. How could I not when he sang those words,

Hey, what's the point of this?
Hey, what's your favorite song?
maybe we can hum along
Well, I think you're smart, you sweet thing...

"I think you're smart." The perfect compliment. And he thought I was, which touched me. He wouldn't play me in Trivial Pursuit after he saw me clean house in one category in Jeopardy. He didn't know that 19th century British Literature is really the only thing that I know anything about. I savored his admiration instead.

His friend, and now mine, Frank called me last night. His marriage is falling apart. He doesn't have his best friend to help him with this one, so it's in my hands. I'm really not sure what do say. How do I say that we saw this coming? That though they're wonderful, they had no chance at happiness together? Then I started thinking what bullshit this is. Sam and I were the couple our friends wanted to be. Why did I have to lose him? Why can't one of our ill-fated friends been killed instead of him?

Yes, that's a horrible thing to say, isn't it? I won't lie, I've thought about it, and there isn't one person alive in my life that I wouldn't trade to have him back. If God or the Devil or whoever was holding Sam over a bubbling abyss and in the other hand held anyone, any one of my family or his family and gave me the choice, I would save him. Yep, I'm a selfish bitch. Good thing for everyone that I know that life doesn't work that way, isn't it?

It's raining today. It rained this day last year. I wore the black coat that Sam hated to work today. I'll be standing in the rain for hours today. That thought comforts me, somehow. Today I'll go home and tomorrow I'll wake up and every day will always be the same.