OK, OK, I have many problems, but I’m just focusing on the one at the moment. My problem? I’m buying crap faster than I can unload it out of my car. I’m not even kidding. The spending spree that has been the last seven days has sort of started to melt my debit card. I’m worried about running out of money. I’m not even concerned that I won’t be able to eat or pay my rent. I’m more worried about the fact that I won’t be able to buy stuff anymore. See where this is going?

It started last Sunday at Home Depot with a carpet scrubber and blinds. It worsened at Best Buy with DVDs and CDs. It has since spread to items such as new towels and shower curtains, welcome mats, a carpet for my kitchen, cleaning supplies, socks, books, pet supplies, body lotion, and earrings. There doesn’t seem to be a pattern. Now I’m jonesing for furniture and more DVDs. And paint. And whatever it is that I need to buy to take my kitchen wallpaper off of the walls. And candles, I need candles, especially those citrus-cranberry ones that make my kitchen smell so nummy.

I’ve done this before. In fact, I just had a credit card company threaten to take my first-born child as payment for all those items I absolutely HAD to have when I was in college. Back then it started with CDs and concert tickets. Then I got bolder with Doc Martens and retro clothes. I used to cut class and go shopping, stuff my purchases in my backpack and leave my books in the car, then sneak everything in so that my mother wouldn’t interrogate me. She eventually caught on, I mean, there’s only so many outfits and shoes that one can explain “having for ages in the back of my closet…what…you don’t remember this old thing?”

Eventually, my tastes got a bit more expensive. I switched from vintage duds and punk girl outfits to Abercrombie prep gal, and, well, that stuff cost a lot. Then they built that Nordstrom’s on the east side, and my shoe shopping resulted in the start of my business card collection. See, shoe salesmen usually had some sort of commission buzz when I left, would give me their cards and say, “please, see me the next time you come back” or “call me if there’s anything else I can help you with,” that sort of thing. Eventually, the Abercrombie look got old, and I switched to ultra sophisticated Express/Limited/Guess/Banana Republic-wear. Well, you can imagine where that went. I maxed out two credit cards and charged them up again. Twice.

Then, I moved out. Moved in with Sammy and, well, he was so irresponsible that if I didn’t put a lid on the spending then he and I would have been trying to play our PS2 game collection inside the cardboard box that we lived in. Now? Well, now nobody but me knows the extent of my spending issues. I don’t have one person standing behind me in the checkout line saying, “can you really afford that?” or “HEY! You owe me money! Why the hell are you buying another DAMN season of Buffy?” See my problem?

And yet, it makes me so…happy. I get to go out, buy myself presents, then come home and play, play, play! And you say “get yourself a pet or something” know that I already have two high maintenance dogs that do keep me occupied. I also have two jobs, two families, and a friend or two. Yes, yes, perhaps I’m trying to fill some sort of void, yada yada yada, *roll of eyeballs*. Yes, I’m a good little consumer, a materialistic-shallow-whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-me girl, but, well, I just don’t care. I’ll be laughing in my very cool new sunglasses, and my smile will be wonderfully smug with my new Urban Decay lipstick. I’ll be in a great mood because of the great new tunes playing on my new car stereo. Of course, if you really piss me off I’ll just flick you off and you’ll see the beautiful shade of unchipped purple nail polish on my middle finger and the toss of my newly trimmed and “burgundy” hair (last month it was “black cherry”). I’ll go home, prop my new Hot Topic boots on my new IKEA coffee table, watch my newest season of Buffy or Angel on DVD, light some scented candles, eat some Thai noodles, and worry…what the hell will I do if I run out of money?