The crazy cleaning lady took a short break from her labors on Tuesday night, so I ended up watching Underworld. I started from the beginning since my drunken viewing of the first twenty minutes on Monday night was less than enlightening. The second viewing wasn’t much better. The movie wasn’t terribly disappointing, but it wasn’t all that great either. With all of this folklore or whatever you want to call it about vampires and werewolves and little beasties in the night you’d think that someone could make one GOOD movie about vampires. They’re always completely awful. Well, Bram Stoker’s Dracula wasn’t all that bad, even if a robot could do a better job of emoting than Keanu Reeves. After that I played with the werebeagles for a bit before heading off to take some Tylenol PM and go to bed. I’m trying desperately to get on a schedule where I’m not sleeping ridiculously late in the mornings, leaving me wide awake at 2 a.m. Of course, the Tylenol PM was also an attempt at quashing the vivid and disturbing dreams I’ve had of late, but that was unsuccessful as well. I still woke up horribly late yesterday morning after ten long hours of sleep.

Yesterday wasn’t all that exciting either. Worked here during the day on some of the most boring editing work known to man. I had plans to go out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory with my sisters but they cancelled due to the damn Alberta Clipper that decided to pop by around rush hour. I think we’ve had maybe six inches of snow since yesterday afternoon, expecting another 2-4 during the day today. Fortunately the roads are salted to death, so I should be able to go grocery shopping today. Last night I was forced to eat cauliflower and a bowl of frosted mini-wheats for dinner. No, I don’t usually survive on healthy-type foods. It just appeared that I’d already eaten all of the yummy, non-healthy foods in the house. Looks like I’ll have to stock up after work.

I spoke with a friend of mine from my crazy college days last night as well. Apparently she’s moving out of her home, and it appears that she and her husband are getting a divorce. I could hear her sons playing in the background. It’s amazing how quickly things seem to change. My life has felt the same for so long. Anyway, after that I resurrected the crazy cleaning lady out of cabin fever induced boredom. After I washed a few loads of laundry (where does this stuff keep coming from?), cleaned the carpet in my bedroom, swept and vacuumed all of the floors, cleaned the disgusting filth off of the kitchen ceiling fan, and dusted the hood of the stove. Afterwards I relaxed on the couch and watched…um…the Bachelorette and Celebrity Mole. Yes, I still feel sleazy. ‘Nuff said.

Listening to Weezer at work right now, the Pinkerton CD. The first song is “Tired of Sex.” Yeah, me too buddy. Oh, wait, I forgot. I’ve so forgotten what physical affection of any sort feels like. I discovered a Cabela’s fly fishing catalogue in the mailbox yesterday and tried to figure out how to order one of the cute fisherman inside. I couldn’t find an order number for any of them! Maybe I have to order a fly rod or something? Hmm. Maybe someone has an extra fisherman that I can borrow? I’ll have to put an ad in the paper or something. Ya know, one of the guys at my night job gave me a hug the other day. A real hug, not those limp, sorry excuses for hugs that annoy me more than limp lifeless handshakes (bad for women, even worse for men). Anywho, the part that surprised me the most wasn’t the actual hug, but the warmth. I sort of stopped dead, surprised that this person was so warm, and then I realized that I’d forgotten what it felt like to have any sort of physical proximity with another person. It was the strangest feeling.

Didn’t take the Tylenol PM last night but I tried to get to sleep before midnight anyway. I should’ve taken something. I dreamt about Sam again last night. The dreams are always so horrible. He’ll be with me for a moment, for a fraction of a second, then he is always taken from me in some horrible way. Last night he was beheaded on a guillotine for being involved in the assassination of Kennedy. Sounds funny, I know, but it was so horrible. I woke feeling like I cried for hours, look like shit today. I couldn’t help him, couldn’t save him, watched it happen. Sort of like the real thing, I guess. I spent the rest of the dream chasing after answers. I found a room that was a sort of prison that he spent the last moments of his life in. There was nothing but crumbled up fast food papers and a single note that said “Go to Elle.” In the dream I pronounced it Ellie, like my cousin’s name. I know dreams probably don’t mean anything, but I keep looking for answers, you know? Always. I’ll probably never stop. The most horrific part of the dream was the thought of him being alone, and scared, and I couldn’t help him.

Every time I think I’m getting better and stronger, something like this just knocks me down all over again. The last time this happened was last month when I found out that his daughter’s mother had gone to the coroner’s office to obtain his coroner’s report and pictures of him, of his head and face. Apparently she has shown a few people. That sick bitch. What if her daughter, Sam’s daughter, finds them? What right does she have to do this?

Enough. I can’t think about it anymore. I’m always a barrel of laughs, I know. I have to do something soon. I don’t think I can keep feeling like this forever. It has to get better. But a hug…a hug would be nice sometimes. I’m a strong girl. I can take care of myself…but I’d still like to feel close to someone sometimes.