So I’ve finally made my decision, and I think I’ll be forcing myself to go through with this. Yep, I’m going to Hawaii!

(insert internal screech of excitement and strange, embarrassing dance moves here)

When Ellie called me Thursday I told her that I would look into it, knowing full well that I wasn’t going to make good on that statement. All I could seem to do was mentally list all of the reasons why I couldn’t/shouldn’t make the trip. Those reasons included guilt at my self-indulgence, worries about my dogs being properly cared for, financial concerns, swimsuit self-conscious issues, pasty skin issues, as well as worries that my family is going to be angry (which is way too long a story to get into and really isn’t worth the telling).

Then the phone rang on Sunday night as I was immersed in the first season of Alias (never saw a single episode until yesterday…not bad). When I answered, all I heard was extremely loud static. Then my cousin Ellie told me that I wasn’t hearing wind or static, but the Pacific Ocean. She told me that her husband Wade is going to take me skydiving. She arranged for a hot surf-instructor friend of hers to take me surfing and show me around the island one evening. She now has access to two sea-worthy kayaks that she wants to take to a nearby rock/island to hike before kayaking back. She wants to go rock-climbing (yeah, apparently she went Sunday…she’s one fearless pregnant girl). She told me that all I needed was a swimsuit and my Chaco sandals.

That’s when it hit me. FUCK my lame excuses. If my family is pissed, they can kiss my ass. I need this, I really do, and I won’t feel guilty about it. This will be the trip of a lifetime. I can escape the cold, the snow, the endless hours of work, and the stifling loneliness and have a great time. Stacy will take good care of my dogs, she knows how much they mean to me. I can afford this, and I look fine.

So now I’m crazy excited. February 16 is my tentative departure date, only four short weeks away. I can’t even remember the last time I had something huge (or something little for that matter) to look forward too. I hate to be Little Miss Doom and Gloom, but sometimes I feel that there’s always this shadow over me that I can’t get away from. Sometimes I hate it and want to escape from it, other times I wallow in it, but no matter what I’m doing, whether I’m laughing, crying, working, or watching television, it’s always there. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll feel like this, haunted and lost, forever.

But right now? Right now the smile is genuine. I’ll be paddling in the South Pacific for pete’s sake! How fucking cool is that? I’m so happy that I’m finally, FINALLY going to do something like this that, well, that I feel awesome. So there you have it.

Aloha!