Yes, that’s what I am today. Why? Not really sure, but I was even crabby in my dreams last night.

Perhaps it’s because my day job is about as challenging as watching paint dry. I dread walking through the door each morning. While I’m completely buried with work at the moment, I spend much of my time surfing the internet or simply daydreaming about how wonderful it would be NOT to work here.

Or perhaps it’s because, though I cleaned for at least two hours last night, my house is still a complete disaster. I’m tempted to either throw all of my possessions in garbage bags and drag them to the curb or just set my house on fire and watch it burn with a degree of satisfaction that I can only lust after.

Or perhaps it’s because I am trying to figure out how in the hell people quit their jobs and go to grad school. Seriously, someone please tell me, how the hell do you pay the rent? Really, I want to know. And groceries…how does that work? I’m tired of this work crap and I want to go back to school. I’m just not sure that it’s possible.

Or perhaps it’s because I know that I have to work tonight and having the last week off has spoiled me a bit. Though I have to admit, I get sort of bored with all of these weeknights off from work. I mean it. I’m bored enough that I’m afraid I might begin to fling myself against the walls of the house, scratching and clawing to get out. Problem is, nobody really wants to do anything on weeknights, and while I can shop or something, I really don’t want to spend all of my earnings just to amuse myself. So there you have it.

Or perhaps it’s the fact that I accidentally spilled gasoline all over the backseat of my car last weekend when I went to fill up the tank for the lawnmower, and every time I drive somewhere it makes me a little bit light-headed. My friends’ suggestions to “air it out” have not worked. It still reeks. And I need to take my dogs to the vet this weekend, and I’m worried that the fumes will give my little dogs brain damage or something. And now that I think about it, I need to find someone to go to the vet with me, because taking those two at the same time will be nigh impossible.

Or maybe it’s because I can’t, no matter what I do, get up on time in the mornings. I just can’t do it. I arrive at the office at least an hour later than I intend to EVERY DAY. Is this because I’m so miserable here? I’m not really sure, as waking up on time in the morning has never been one of my “special skills.” It’s just really starting to bug me.

Or perhaps it’s because my team’s budget is due tomorrow and I haven’t started it yet. Or because I know that next week I’ll be working on the entire department’s budget and, due to major budget cuts, it will not be enjoyable. Employees at this place recently had to take a survey to evaluate where budget cuts can be applied. The questions were sort of like, “Would you prefer a cut in base pay or less vacation time?” and “Would you prefer a reduction in your 401k or a reduction in your medical coverage?” Yeah, so that’s reassuring.

Or perhaps it’s because I received my raise at this shit hole and it’s completely laughable. I’ve compared it to the rate of inflation, cost of living indexes for my area, and comparable salaries for my education, job description, and level of experience. Let’s just say that it doesn’t measure up, and my raise was higher than average. So, we can just assume that my raise will not cover the 2004 increase in my rent.

And again, how the hell do people just quit their jobs and go to school? How, how, how?

And I have to buy my father a birthday present, and if you knew all about that, you’d think, “why the hell would you spend a dime on him?” And while I can’t come up with a good answer for that question, I will say this, and then you will know the horrible person that I really am. My answer: He’ll die first, and I won’t be the one to feel guilty about anything. So there.

Guess I’ll go and actually get some work done. I suppose they’re (sort of) paying me to do it. Might stop off at some University web sites again. Perhaps I’ll find a great graduate program with some rent-paying assistantships that will save me from this place.