Mindless Blather

Moved.

Fri, 11 Jul 08 14:07:00 UT

After some deep thought, stemming from the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do at work and I have some pretty cool pictures on my camera at the moment, I've decided to start a new blog. Weighing in favor of the decision were the following factors:

1. Only 2.5 people read this.

2. I'd hate to share this blog with anyone else for fear that they'll page back to my maudlin early entries and say, "Ew."

3. Did I mention that I have nothing to do at work?

4. *wink*

Anywho, if you want to check it out, I'm at www.theburningriverblog.blogspot.com. I wanted burningriverbog, but some dorkus took that name for their blog and then NEVER EVEN POSTED ANYTHING. It's not right, is it?

Oh, and don't mention "journalscape" or "whitetrash." I've got a rep to maintain.

Out.

Holy Fifteen Inches!

Wed, 2 Jul 08 19:18:00 UT

(...and no...that title is not in reference to the length of A's penis. And no, I have no idea what has gotten into me lately or why I have such a dirty mind.)

So, today I had over 15 inches of hair cut off. FIFTEEN INCHES!

...I'm still in shock.

FIFTEEN INCHES!

When this case of the vapors passes, perhaps I will post links to some before/after pics.

FIFTEEN INCHES!

Ribald Exchange

Tue, 1 Jul 08 13:11:00 UT

[Scene: Me, Him, and Meâs Bad Mood, sitting on the couch, chatting after a long dayâs work.]

Me: Has my cell phone alarm been bothering you in the morning, or are you able to go back to sleep?

Him: Honestly, between you and the dogs, I rarely manage get a full night of uninterrupted sleep.

Me: [offended] Whatever do you mean?

Him: Well, between you flopping back and forth in bed and the dogs rattling their chains all night, I often wake up. Donât forget, Iâve never shared a room with anyone before. Iâm used to things being much quieter.

Me: [miffed] Well, is it that bad? I mean, should I sleep out here [in the living room] so you can get some sleep?

Him: [back-peddling] Oh, thatâs not what I meant. Câmonâ¦

Me: [interrupting]. Oh, donât âCâmonâ ME!

[Pause. Both Me and Him laugh hysterically. Exit Meâs Bad Mood.]

Registration

Fri, 20 Jun 08 10:46:00 UT

Now that the boy and I have registered (the whole âregisteringâ thing is an absolute minefield, I have learnedâ¦but thatâs another issue for another entry) and Iâve had time to think about all of the things we are essentially telling our guests to buy for us (again, minefield), I realize that there are a few things that Iâm looking forward to above all of the others. I think that these things tell a bit about me, so I thought Iâd share.

1. Zester. Yep, a $5 zester. Iâve wanted one for YEARS. Why not just buy yourself a zester, you ask? I have no frigginâ idea. Perhaps itâs becomes *someone* keeps telling me that zesters are pointless and that all you REALLY need to use is the side of the box grater with the teeny tiny holes. Yet, when I actually try to use that size of the box grater, I end up with a box grater full of lemon zest and no usable lemon zest. Since I canât throw the box grater in the bowl of ingredients for whatever it is that Iâm preparing, I end up omitting zest from every recipe. This is probably no big deal for most recipes, but when you want to make chili lime tofu, for example, and it seems that most of the lime flavor comes from lime zest, I canât even bother making the recipe because I know itâll taste remarkable lime-less, and chili tofu just doesnât sound as delicious.

2. Garlic press. Thatâs right, I said garlic press. Why not just buy yourself a garlic press, you ask? Again, no idea. That annoying *someone* from the zester comments above tells me that all I need to do is mince the garlic with one of our chef knives. But when Iâm making a double match of some tasty soup to get me through the week and need to mince, say, six cloves of garlic, I end up getting very lazy and throwing barely chopped garlic into the stock pot rather than beautifully minced garlic. If a garlic press were to turn up, say, in the mail or, miraculously, in my utensil drawer, I would probably sob with joy.

3. Self-inflating sleeping bag mat thingie. Sounds strange, but if you do the following, I guarantee you wonât question it. First, go on a long sail on choppy-ass Lake Erie. Second, grill some Tofurkey brats with your friends. Third, drink a few beers. Fourth, drag your self-inflating mat back to the bow of the nearby sailboat. Fifth, watch it magically inflate. Sixth, grab a pillow, lay on the mat, and fall asleep on the bow. I guarantee it will be your Best. Sleep. Ever.

4. Juicer. Thatâs right, I said juicer. âBut you never even drink juice!â one might exclaim. Well, smartass, I donât drink juice because I donât have a juicer. I didnât drink smoothies before I had a blender, did I? Noooooo! But now what do I have for breakfast? Well, when itâs not oatmeal, itâs frozen berry smoothies with rice protein powder, flax oil, and banana! If I had a juicer, I could go on a juice fast! I could make vegetable/fruit juices for lunch! I guarantee that my hair would be shinier and my disposition much sunnier!

Yeah. Registering was a great experience. Ultimately, I had the opportunity to look at things I would never consider buying for myself (mostly because buying stuff just stresses me out, and I much prefer a stuff-less existence) and imagine the type of person that Iâd be if I owned them. I also do this when apartment shopping. For example, when Aud and I considered signing a lease for a gorgeous loft last year, I just *knew* that, if I lived in that loft, I would be amazing! Iâd speak at least two new languages! Iâd be well-read! Iâd have lots of friends over for fancy dinners every weekend! Iâd have beautiful hair and fit into my skinny jeans! Iâd be well-versed on the latest political, social, and economic issues and debate them rigorously with friends, both old and new. Iâd probably even run a marathon, not need to wear bras anymore, and have fabulously white teeth! And I wouldnât have to shave my legs anymore, because theyâd be remarkably hair free! Iâd also travel to places like Turkey, Belize, and Morocco! Iâd wear dresses on a regular basis!

Ultimately, what Iâm trying to convey, is that if I have these items from my registry, I will forever sleep on sailboats, make garlic-y soup on a weekly basis, stop avoiding recipes with zest in them, and try a juice fast. This is what I expect married life is all about.

Life Without Diet Coke: Day Five

Fri, 6 Jun 08 13:22:00 UT

A touch of my whimsy has returned.

I just called Aud at work and asked him stupid and pointless questions just so that I could hear him talk in his sexy soft work voice. I'm glad that we're still at the point in our relationship where he thinks that these calls are funny and not merely annoying.

Life Without Diet Coke: Day 4.5

Thu, 5 Jun 08 13:51:00 UT

Dear Women of the World,

Yes, I'm a woman. Yes, I'm an adult women. Yes, I'm an adult women that knows all about procreation.

So please, do me a favor. Spare me the gory details of exactly how your recent child came out of your vagina. I don't want to know anything about centimeters, dilation, tearing, craptastic table dances, sunny side up anything, or nipple seepage.

Congratulations on the baby, though.

With love,

Me

Life Without Diet Coke: Day Four

Thu, 5 Jun 08 10:53:00 UT

My daily Diet Cokes have officially been replaced by daily Ibuprofin. I have had a crazy painful stiff neck for days. I even had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I hold Diet Coke entirely responsible. I hold Diet Coke responsible for a lot these days.

Have a midterm and a paper due tonight and no time to work on them?

It's Diet Coke's fault!

Only got two hours of sleep?

Go and thank Diet Coke!

Can't find your car keys?

That asshole, Diet Coke, probably took them!

Discovered that no, soda water with orange slices in it does not "do the trick"?

That's because Diet Coke peed in it first!

Have Bad breath?

Diet Coke MUST be held accountable!

Can't stop thinking about the chocolate chip cookies next door at Constantino's?

Seethe with rage at Diet Coke the entire time that you stomp into the store, slam your money on the counter, angrily tear into them with your stinky incisors, and hiss and spew cookie crumbs at anyone that looks at you sideways.

Good day to you.

Life Without Diet Coke: Day Two

Tue, 3 Jun 08 10:01:00 UT

Suz - Diet Coke = Emotional Wreck

Now, there are other things that I probably ought to factor into the equation. For example, my Grand Theft Auto exploits have left me having violent, frightening dreams (hello, I'm now four years old). I'm reading a book called "Thanking the Monkey," and I found out how Flipper died, and I'm absolutely distraught. I also went to a funeral for a 28-year old that committed suicide, which brings up all of my old issues. And for some reason, Iron & Wine's "Trapeze Swinger" keeps coming up on my iShuffle, and I. Cry. Every. Time. I. Hear. That. Damn. Song.

Anyway, I've replaced Diet Coke with coffee and lots of water, and I'm wondering who the hell has time to go to the bathroom this often anyway? Seriously?

For me, my Diet Coke addiction started some time in the late eighties when my mother had a cholesterol scare and had to go on a huge diet. Both of my parents were die hard Pepsi drinkers, and my mother sobbed at the thought of giving up Pepsi, especially when she discovered how disgusting Diet Pepsi tastes. My sister Kelly suggested to her that she try other diet sodas, and my mom stuck with Diet Squirt for a while, but eventually made the switch to Diet Coke. Since it was in the house, I started drinking it all the time, too.

It wasn't long before my addiction grew. Next thing you know, I was hiding 12-packs of the stuff under my bed, and bringing 12-packs into work, and basically living on the stuff. When I had major disordered eating issues in college, I survived entirely on a diet of Mr. Salty pretzel sticks and Diet Coke.

Now, I'm thirty, and I'm trying to take better care of myself. My desire (ok...Aud's desire *for* me) to quit has little to do with caffeine. It has more to do with the artificial sweetener and other scary ingredients. He's been sending me article after article about new discoveries about the horrors of diet soda drinkage. My sister believes that the stuff makes her crave candy. All I know is that nothing else quenches my thirst like a Diet Coke can. Nothing tastes better with chocolate cake. Nothing tastes better with burritos.

So I soldier on. I'm going to try to drink less coffee today, or at least, I was, but I forgot my blueberry herbal tea bags...

(rushes to the bathroom)

Life Without Diet Coke: Day One

Mon, 2 Jun 08 10:02:00 UT

Months ago, my dude told me that if I gave up Diet Coke (which he believes is killing me slowly), he would stop eating meat. I wasn't quick enough to respond, and by the time I accepted, the offer was off the table.

I've now had a similar offer. I give up Diet Coke, he brings no meat into the house, meaning that he only eats it at restaurants and the like. Now, I like the first offer much better, but since he has since realized just *what* came out of his mouth then, I don't think that offer will be made again in the next decade.

And so, I'm going off the Diet, Chemicalized Sauce. I expect that this will be harder than quitting my pack to pack and a half per day smoking habit two years ago.

Though I start my day with a tall black coffee, I move on to drink Diet Coke steadily throughout the day. I drink it with meals, snacks, right before bed, when watching tv, while studying, writing, reading, and of course, while going on random killing sprees. Basically, I don't know how I'll live without it. Today, I will find out.

Egads!

For the Record

Wed, 28 May 08 10:19:00 UT

I'm not a "raging liberal."

I prefer the term "rational."

Thanks.

sob

Tue, 27 May 08 15:04:00 UT

One of the sucky elements of being the low person on the totem pole at a crappy non-profit is that, when new attorneys are brought on, you lose your cushy office.

Now, I no longer have a large office with a view of a beautiful old elm tree. Instead, I'm stuck in a sweltering conference room with windows that do not open and no privacy to speak of.

AND I lost my phone and my printer.

I almost cried.

Walks With Dogs--Weekend Edition

Sun, 25 May 08 08:57:00 UT

Love: The scruffly, bearded fellow that pushes his clattering shopping cart around the neighborhood in the early hours, picking up recyclables from the streets, sidewalks, and parking lots. I know he's doing it for a buck, but I like to pretend that he's just another fellow tree-hugger. I smile and say "good morning" to him, and it makes him a little bit nervous.

Not so much: I know nobody is awake yet and there are only a few cars on the road, Reme, but *must* you choose the middle of the crosswalk to take a luxurious morning crap? Really? [This highly entertains everyone that drives by while I place myself between the dogs and whichever direction traffic is coming from. I got three smiles and waves thanks to Reme's thoughtlessness.]

Love: Watching girls do the walk of shame on their tottering, patent leather heels with clothing that, it the bright morning light, makes them look like the hookers you beat up on Grand Theft Auto. High-larious.

Not so much: Discarded food and vomit all over the sidewalks. I see the guys from the Downtown Cleveland Alliance scurrying to clean it up, but for the dogs, it is the best buffet of the week. I spend half of the walk wrestling pizza crusts, chicken bones, and styrofoam boxes out of their fuzzy mouths. I practically have to wash my hands with hydrochloric acid when I get home.

And now, I begin my first summer of sailboat racing. There isn't the slightest whisper of a breeze this morning, so I expect to doze and, perhaps, get shouted at for not paying attention. Excellence.

Art, Animals, Music, Future Husband...

Fri, 23 May 08 22:20:00 UT

...Yes. These are the things I love.

I missed dinner tonight to attend a wake for someone I knew from my old life. The life of violence and heartache that I lived before, when I started this blog. It was sad and yet, I have this joy that I didn't have then, all those years ago...

So tonight I went to an event with my new love, someone that loves animals rather than murders them... Someone that makes me feel warm and happy and safe rather than makes me go through the hell that I went through before.... (yet...some days...can't help thinking about).

Anyway, we bought the coolest art ever tonight... I think of it as "disco insect on acid." I'm rather poor, too...and we gave money to a worthy fucking cause. I'm in love. I'm still, tentatively, disgustingly happy. I wish I could hug and kiss more people than I have to hug and kiss tonight...

But now, I'm sitting in my sweetie's chair in drawers and undies...

He's walking my pups. We'll have a late dinner before meeting our friends...

We have a cool new painting...

I love EVERYTHING right now....

I also feel pretty hot. What's that about?

Yay-ness...

And you know what? My new love will never end things violently, bloodily, angrily. He'll hold me and love me forever. What more could I ever ask for? Seriously?

Drunken Eeejit

Tue, 20 May 08 22:46:00 UT

So...maybe...I suppose it is cause for concern when it seems that people in my life enjoy drunken Suzanne much more than they enjoy the everyday model.

A half a box of whole wheat crackers later, I'm still not quite sure how to handle the problem.

Besides, it's Tuesday. Who deals with this business on Tuesdays, anyway?

Best Backhanded Compliment Yet

Mon, 12 May 08 08:36:00 UT

"...I don't know anyone who could have passed law school by doing as little work as you did."