My hair salon is next to a yoga studio. There seems to be some sort of city ordinance that requires a yoga studio to be next to every salon...and every Starbucks and every laundry mat and every liquor store. In fact, I believe a Gallup poll would show that yoga studios outnumber restaurants, apartments and perhaps even out-of-work-do-you-want-fries-with-that actors. Which begs the question, are there really that many people willing to wrap their legs around their heads while balancing on one hand?

The answer, apparently, is no. So the yoga studios are going after the, shall we say, under-served market. While waiting for my hair appointment, I unabashedly pressed my face against the front window of the aforementioned yoga studio and found some disturbing evidence. Yoga-aties are now targeting – are you ready for this? – children and crackheads.

On the floor of the studio was a yoga magazine. On the cover of the magazine was a woman with her forehead pressed to her shins and her wrists shackled to her ankles...you know, just for fun. The caption: Can yoga cure your addictions? Let me go out on a limb here and say “no.”

I feel fairly confident there’s not some strung out heroin addict lying in a gutter covered in sweat and vomit praying for another fix...or to be able to do “downward dog.” You know, either way. Six, one half-dozen of another. “Please God, let me find a dealer who takes credit...or a hatha yoga master.” Like he’s wandering around the crack house asking everyone, “Hey, you guys seen my yoga mat? No Mark, that’s YOUR yoga mat. Mine’s blue. Oh, and my stretchy pants. I can’t seem to find my stretchy pants either.”

And the crackheads don’t even have to worry about finding day care while they’re kicking the habit via “pigeon pose.” They can bring their kids! That’s right. Above the just-say-no yoga magazine was a sign for kid yoga. Like it’s not bad enough your dad’s a junky, while all the other kids play T-ball, you’re learning to “be present in the moment” and getting in touch with your inner pretzel.

‘Cause that’s not going to get you beat up on the playground.

Bully: Hey kid, give me your lunch money.

Yoga kid: It’s not really my money. Everything belongs to the universe. Let’s take a moment for some cleansing breaths.

ER nurse to yoga kid: Wow, I’ve never seen a dodge ball get stuck up anyone’s nose like that. Such flexible nostrils. Do you do yoga?