I bought new shorts. I did. Really. For the first time since about the tenth grade. And it turns out shorts have changed.

Apparently there has been a rash of shorts thefts. Seedy summer-wear pawn shops are cropping up on every corner. Cotton-blend criminals are running willy-nilly through or midst, wrecking havoc. And the garment industry, ever looking out for the consumer, has outfitted all modern shorts – or at least mine – with very effective theft-deterrent systems. My shorts have a button, two hook-and-eye closures, a zipper and a draw-string tie – all at the SAME time.

My pants are one of those do-and-learn dolls you give to pre-schoolers. Sally Zip-Tie-and-Button. In order to pee, I have to navigate a fine motor-skills obstacle course. And here’s one true fact, ladies and gentlemen: The worse you have to pee, the worse your fine motor skills become. I am now Sally Zip-Tie-Button-and-Pee-Her-Pants.

Yes, that’s right, with one garment purchase you too can became a Depends target consumer.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a man about some denture adhesive...