Yes, for taste and consistency, you have to give it to Twizzlers every time. A cross-section of a Red Vine reveals the center hole to be much larger and the actual candy amount to be much smaller than the superior Twizzler. It’s also much less chewy and lacks that certain tangy artificial cherry snap of the Twizzler. Also Red Vines stick to your teeth.

But the good ol’ Red Vines do have some advantages. Mostly that the Costco near my house sells them in 50 gallon drums. And since my profession requires me to sit in front of my computer for hours at a time, I require 50 gallon drums of Red Vines. When you spend that kind of time with a candy, you learn a few things about each other. For example, did you know that if you twist a Red Vine between your fingers, the shoddily constructed candy wall will split, allowing you to shred your candy tube into a half dozen strips? Six pieces of candy for the calories of only one. Now that’s value.

(See, people think we writers sit around contemplating the great issues of our time, carefully crafting great prose, delving into our deepest emotional recesses...Yeah, not so much. We’re playing with our candy.)