Normal people don’t do this. Normal people don’t wrap up their sick orchid and pester the owner of the orchid shop to perform CPR. Normal people don’t follow said shop owner from room to room watching as he trims roots, repots, stakes and lectures.

Turns out over-watering your spider orchid leads to root rot which leads to things looking, well, squishy. (Squishy, by the way, is not a term that you want applied to your orchids.)

“I’ve seen worse,” said Dave, the orchid guy.

Translation: You’re a bad parent, but only a moderately bad one. You’re not the parent whose kid turns out to be a serial killer. But there’s a good chance yours will end up in prison and kick puppies.

Dave points to little green nubby things at the base of the orchid. “See here, these will be new roots. Those will save your plant.”

The implied ending to that sentence is: Assuming you don’t screw up again.

I grovel at Dave’s feet. Dave takes pity on me and hands out detailed instructions for orchid wound care and convalescence. Dave then refuses payment for his services. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “You’ll be back.”

I hope he meant “you’ll be back to buy more orchids” not “you’ll be back with something else that’s sick.”

In any case, the recovery room is set up. The humidity is being monitored. Sunlight is being monitored. The orchid is on a strict misting schedule. Things are looking up.

And if you live in the L.A. area, swing by and see Dave at Orchid Fever in Culver City. He works miracles, and he’s got some fine orchids for sale, too. Tell him the sick spider orchid lady sent you.