Chronicle of jury duty
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5:30 a.m. Bat at alarm clock with less-than-functioning hand. Try to remember your name.
6:00 a.m. Stare hopelessly at closet, looking for the “business attire” the court recording instructed you to wear. Settle for an outfit you bought in college for job interviews more than five years ago. Realize nobody wears cuffed pants anymore. Realize you have nothing better.
6:15 a.m. Leave house. Sit on the 405 staring at break lights for half an hour.
6:45 a.m. Balance giant street map of downtown on steering wheel while trying to negotiate the intersection of the 10, the 110, the 101 and the 5. Wonder whose stupid idea that was.
6:47 a.m. Belatedly realize 3rd Street is one way and not the way you need.
7:00 a.m. Finally find juror parking conveniently located a mile from the court house. Try to avoid eye contact with scary men on the sidewalk.
7:15 a.m. You’re half an hour early. This was unavoidable due to traffic paradox. Leave early, arrive early. But leave on time, and the traffic will increase ten-fold making you hopelessly late. Sit on hard bench and try to avoid eye contact with scary men in the hallway.
7:45 a.m. File into jury assembly room. Find a chair.
7:46 a.m. Listen to a woman list in monotone all the reasons you will not be excused from jury duty.
8:00 a.m. Listen to monotone woman answer 36 questions from people who want to be excused.
8:30 a.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room staring out window.
9:00 a.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room trying to get some writing done. Consider snatching the cell phone out of the loud guy’s hand and beating him with it.
10:00 a.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room and listen as names are called to a jury panel. Do an internal dance of joy when loud guy is called.
11:00 a.m. Notice your chair has only slightly less padding than the average high school gym bleachers.
12:00 p.m. Go down to court cafeteria. Remember your junior high cafeteria. Realize this is worse.
1:00 p.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room. Try to read. Someone has turned on a Judge Judy-type television show. Are stupefied to realize people actually watch those things.
2:00 p.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room. Inane television continues. Try to ignore it. Can’t. Consider putting your foot through the television just to make it stop.
3:00 p.m. Still sitting in jury assembly room. Still in same chair. Try to find a more comfortable position.
3:01 p.m. Realize there is no comfortable position.
3:02 p.m. Start to feel claustrophobic. Start to wonder if you’ll ever leave.
4:00 p.m. Cold sweat. Pounding headache. Feel certain this is the onset of a nervous condition.
4:15 p.m. Monotone woman comes back. “You are released from duty.” Do an outward dance of joy. Make a break for the elevators. Knock over a small woman in the process.
4:25 p.m. Run the mile back to the car.
4:30 p.m. Sit on the 110 staring at break lights.
6:00 a.m. Stare hopelessly at closet, looking for the “business attire” the court recording instructed you to wear. Settle for an outfit you bought in college for job interviews more than five years ago. Realize nobody wears cuffed pants anymore. Realize you have nothing better.
6:15 a.m. Leave house. Sit on the 405 staring at break lights for half an hour.
6:45 a.m. Balance giant street map of downtown on steering wheel while trying to negotiate the intersection of the 10, the 110, the 101 and the 5. Wonder whose stupid idea that was.
6:47 a.m. Belatedly realize 3rd Street is one way and not the way you need.
7:00 a.m. Finally find juror parking conveniently located a mile from the court house. Try to avoid eye contact with scary men on the sidewalk.
7:15 a.m. You’re half an hour early. This was unavoidable due to traffic paradox. Leave early, arrive early. But leave on time, and the traffic will increase ten-fold making you hopelessly late. Sit on hard bench and try to avoid eye contact with scary men in the hallway.
7:45 a.m. File into jury assembly room. Find a chair.
7:46 a.m. Listen to a woman list in monotone all the reasons you will not be excused from jury duty.
8:00 a.m. Listen to monotone woman answer 36 questions from people who want to be excused.
8:30 a.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room staring out window.
9:00 a.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room trying to get some writing done. Consider snatching the cell phone out of the loud guy’s hand and beating him with it.
10:00 a.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room and listen as names are called to a jury panel. Do an internal dance of joy when loud guy is called.
11:00 a.m. Notice your chair has only slightly less padding than the average high school gym bleachers.
12:00 p.m. Go down to court cafeteria. Remember your junior high cafeteria. Realize this is worse.
1:00 p.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room. Try to read. Someone has turned on a Judge Judy-type television show. Are stupefied to realize people actually watch those things.
2:00 p.m. Sit in chair in jury assembly room. Inane television continues. Try to ignore it. Can’t. Consider putting your foot through the television just to make it stop.
3:00 p.m. Still sitting in jury assembly room. Still in same chair. Try to find a more comfortable position.
3:01 p.m. Realize there is no comfortable position.
3:02 p.m. Start to feel claustrophobic. Start to wonder if you’ll ever leave.
4:00 p.m. Cold sweat. Pounding headache. Feel certain this is the onset of a nervous condition.
4:15 p.m. Monotone woman comes back. “You are released from duty.” Do an outward dance of joy. Make a break for the elevators. Knock over a small woman in the process.
4:25 p.m. Run the mile back to the car.
4:30 p.m. Sit on the 110 staring at break lights.
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