We’ve had a death in the family. My husband’s car has passed into the hereafter.

It started with a concerned call from the mechanic when my husband took it in for “just an oil change.”

Husband: “How bad is it?”

Mechanic: “Oh, about five times more than the car’s worth.”

Husband: “How long does it have?”

Mechanic: (looks at his watch) “Might want to send over the priest.”

The next day, the break pedal went flat to the floor. And you just know that’s going to be bad. Then the day after, the engine refused to start at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was using the gear shift to flip us off.

So now the torturous process of car shopping begins. “Survivor” could pick up a few tips from this process. It’s a whole new game show.

In the center of the dealership are the cars. These are the prizes. But surrounding the prizes are rabid, underfed, psychologically unstable alligators with anger management issues. These are called “salesmen.” The goal for the buyer is to run in, grab the car and get out with as few debilitating injuries as possible. The goal for the alligators is to tear off as much flesh as possible before the tasty little niblets (also called “customers”) get away.

Yes, this is where the term “arm and a leg” came from.

First, we’re arming ourselves with as much internet research as possible. But we’re not just reading it. That would be too subtle. We’re printing it out and attaching it with rubber cement to our shark-proof, chain mail suits. On our medieval shields, we’re putting the dealer invoice price for all current models. And if all else fails, mace.

Wish us luck.