It was when my husband asked “What’s for dinner?” and I replied with a complete recitation of the entire menu for the week that I realized my metamorphosis into a cafeteria lunch lady was complete.

“Monday,” I said, “is tacos. Tuesday is homemade beef stew with buttermilk biscuits, Wednesday is baked chicken served over a spicy black bean and sautéed vegetable medley, and Thursday you’re on your own. I’m going to a friend’s book launch party.”

Probably this means he’ll eat chicken nuggets because when left alone within 100 miles of chicken nuggets, men will eat them – unless there’s the possibility of hot wings.

“Friday,” I concluded, “will be turkey burgers and tater tots.”

To fully complete the look, I’m thinking of getting a hairnet and some of those loose-fitting plastic bag gloves. Not the nice latex doctor ones. No. I’m talking about the ones that look like you put your paw between two layers of Saran Wrap and used a curling iron to seal the edges.

I do draw the line at serving salad in one of those square paper containers that should contain something fried at the county fair. And I have a strict no-combo food rule.

There is a disturbing trend among school cafeterias to smoosh together two entrees that shouldn’t even occupy the same building. Hot dog burritos spring to mind. That would be a burrito with a hot dog inside of it, right there with the beans and cheese. It’s like trying to get the class rabbit to get it on with the hamster. Disturbing, wrong and wholly unnecessary.

I suppose I could just wing it. Food planning be damned!

But let’s face it, this would likely lead to the two of us eating raisin bran, and he’d have to pour grape juice on his because he can’t have dairy. And really, at that point you might as well be having the dog-urrito.

Besides, I could rock that hairnet.