Last Tuesday, after a writers’ panel at the Redondo Beach Library, the speakers and I all posed for a few pictures. There’s Michael Mallory in his fedora. Sue Ann Jaffarian and Morgan St. James looking like grand dames. Christa Faust looking sexy and dangerous. And then, well, there’s me.
(See one on my Flickr page: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ahream/2248750197/ )

Thanks to the instant gratification of digital photography, it became immediately clear that Christa could teach me a thing or two about poses. In every single one, she looks knowing and coy. I, on the other hand, look like a golden retriever. I am one fuzzy tail shy of bounding out to get the paper and your slippers. She looks like you’re lucky to be there. I look ready to roll over and flash some tummy fur.

In one photo, she’s even doing this lowered chin, sexpot thing, like Princess Di gone bad. (That would be the one NOT up on the Flickr page because, hey, I look better in this one. And it’s my page.) Even the thought of trying to pull that off, makes me look ridiculous. It’s all in the swagger. I’m sure of it. Also, she has great tattoos, and that helps. But let’s face it, I could have ink on every exposed skin cell, and I would still look like I was getting ready to sell you some Tupperware.

This grateful puppy dog thing I have going is also why I write under my initials. Do you know what A.H. stands for? Well, I’m going to tell you! It’s Ashley Heather.

Seriously. It’s true.

How do you write about dead bodies with a name that sounds like a junior varsity cheerleader? Answer: You don’t. No, really. It’s nearly impossible. Combine that with a future author photo that is sure to make me look like Betty Crocker in training, and the consequences are almost too dire to contemplate.

I’d wear a spiked collar and some leather if I thought it would help, but then I’d just look like Olivia Newton-John’s Sandy in that last ridiculous musical number where she runs through the county fair all tramped up and hot to trot for John Travolta. And I always did think she could do better…

Really, there’s just nothing for it. Maybe at future book signings I can make it a two-fer deal. I’ll sign your book AND you can scratch me behind the ear.

Woof.



p.s. Both Sue Ann Jaffarian and Christa Faust have new books that were just released mere days ago, “Thugs and Kisses” and “Money Shot,” respectively. And they are both fantastic. Really, really good. You should be reading them. Probably right now.