Dear Victoria’s Secret,

Enclosed is a shirt I recently purchased from your catalog. I’m returning it. I am returning it, and I refuse to use the form you included to do so. The form is multiple choice, providing me with only answers like “didn’t fit” and “didn’t like color” as my reasoning. But let’s face it Vicky, you’ve got bigger problems.

The shirt I purchased was described in the catalog as “boat neck.” It seems as though your copy writers have a poor grasp of that term, so let’s review. Boat neck describes a neckline that’s high in front but slightly wider toward the shoulders. If viewed from directly above, the opening should look like the outline of a boat, a sort of pointy-ended oval. It’s been around awhile, this boat neck. Audrey Hepburn was a fan, and so am I. It’s a silhouette that should say “demure and classic” not “shut up and leave the money on the nightstand.”

Please don’t misunderstand me. I like to feel sexy. A pair of high heels that makes your calf muscle curve just so. A touch, just a touch, of cleavage. Silk stockings, a well-cut pair of jeans, showing just enough knee below the hemline of that skirt. A smile.

But sexy and trashy are not synonyms.

Your boat neck top was off the shoulder, low enough across the bust to require double-sided tape and so tight I could hardly breathe. I don’t mind an appreciative glance from a man. I just don’t want to be offered a hundred dollar bill and fifteen minutes in a back alley in the bargain.

So I’m returning this shirt. There won’t be any need to send a replacement. Refund please.