bearmom

Bear Bear

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Wed, 6 Sep 06 15:57:00 UT

Bear Bear took his last breath at 1pm today. He was 5 1/2 years old. He died just minutes after I sat stroking his little head and telling him how special he was to our family. It is a relief that I was home and I could tell him how much we cared about him and that he was not alone. I did not want him to suffer anymore and thankfully he has not been sick very long. About a two weeks ago we found out he had an enlarged spleen and since the news he has been on a short course of antibiotics for a small infection. Overall he has been fine except for the last 2 days.

I already miss the scratching noises from the cage and his cute little face staring at me. Missy, his companion, is extremely vulnerable to a severe depression at the loss of her buddy. I do hope she rallies through this and lives on with us for several more years.

I haven't lost a pet since my rabbit, Freckles, died. I had her for 10 years and I was so sad when she was gone. Bear Bear was a part of my life everyday and he was so darn cute. I am glad that he got to run around last night and eat turkey and whip cream and cuddle with me.

Harry seems to be taking this okay. He cried when he came home and he doesn't really "get" that Bear Bear will not be back ever..but I am sure that will sink in with time.
Bear Bear is in the freezer right now so Kody can say goodbye to him when he gets home from work. It sounds a little weird but I didn;t want him to get flies on him. I keep wanting to look at him and hold him. it's like I cannot believe he is really dead. What happens to him now. I wonder if the lights just go out and that's it. Does it float around in another world and smile at me and say "clean out my cage woman!" What a strange world and existence this life is.

I'll miss you Bear Bear.

Where to start

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Thu, 25 May 06 08:15:00 UT

BUKAVU, Democratic Republic of Congo (CNN) -
Tintsi, like everyone else in this room, is a victim of the worst kind of sexual violation imaginable
"Some of them have knives and other sharp objects inserted in them after they've been raped, while others have pistols shoved into their vaginas and the triggers pulled back," said Dr. Denis Mukwege Mukengere, the lone physician at the hospital. "It's a kind of barbarity that only savages are capable of."The alleged perpetrators are men in uniform, part of the Congolese army. These troops are a compilation of various militia groups that had been fighting each other for years until a truce was reached two years ago.

A recent report by the United Nations found that Congo's own soldiers were responsible for the nearly seven dozen complaints of crimes and human rights violations over the past two months. Among the crimes committed were extrajudicial executions, disappearances, rapes and brutal beatings, according to the U.N. report.

*********************
I read this yesterday and was absolutely and utterly abhored by the acts of people. This was a day after a read an article about the survivors of the Beslan hostage incident in Russia. A little girl who survived did not speak for 2 months afterwards. Her mom lost her job while taking care of her and now the family lives in some sort of horse like stall.

Last night I watched Baghdad ER on HBO. The documentary gives a look at what soldiers and Marines are subjected to as a result of the war. I watched arms being thrown into biohazard bags.

I am not sure what to do with all of this..and there is more but I need to collect my thoughts and ideas better. There are so many good and generous people in the world and yet there are so many evil and despicable ones too. I wonder which number is greater. Would we all help if we could? Or is it mentally safer to just try and deal with our own problems. The difficulties of everyday life and our own family life can be enough to drag anyone down and then to be burdened with the worlds problems. It's just overwhelming. I want to make a difference. Right now I am trying to raise one good kid, who cares about people and animals.

Is it enough to lead a good, moral life and be a upstanding citizen? Is there a positive impact on society if we all did that? Or do we each have to take a greater stand than that?

And something else that has been bothering me. What impact is religion making on the world? Is it really making it a better place? It should be.

I have to go walk the dog now. Maybe I'll ask her what to do. ;-)

times they are a changin'

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Tue, 16 May 06 15:47:00 UT

It's hard to believe where time goes...as nauseating as that sounds. I've heard it a million times and yet it shocks me just as much as sudden death. Harry is 4 already. Ethan's parents came this afternoon and picked Harry up for an afternoon at the park. Wasn't it just yesterday that as I awoke in the morning I couldn't wait for nap time? That I was at a loss of things to entertain a preschooler for 12 hours with.
Life gets easier and harder all at the same time. I'm glad that I can finally get 8 hours of sleep because that sure makes the rest of life's messy little inadequacies easy to deal with.
Although today at lunch Harry asked to help pour the noodles into the boiling pot of water. At first I said "No, it's too hot and I don't want to hold you up and have you leaning over". Then I looked at him and realized I could make the extra effort and he might gain some more confidence in the kitchen. Well, he proceeded to pour the noodles into the pot, or shall I say about 4 noodles into the pot and the rest all over the stove. With 8 hours of sleep...."no prob bob".
And Jody is leaving in just 2 more days. I cannot even imagine a Thursday going by without seeing her. It feels as if we are all sort of moving on already..and then again meeting up with her in Las Vegas next month will help with the goodbyes this time. Harry hasn't known a life without Jody or Anita. I wonder how he will take it. Yes, we can call her cell phone but it's not the same. For a 4 year old he sure has a lot of stuff to deal with...and he does quite well ( I think...and I know I am sooo biased!)

Funny kid words

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Thu, 4 May 06 21:27:00 UT

Lest I forget the beautiful language of the Har-bear. He does soak up all kinds of word now but he still amkes up words and/or tries to say the correct word but can't quite remember. Now, he and his friends insist on calling each other poop heads. It's kinda funny but then again it gets old and slightly embarrassing in the grocery store.

Blue Deedee- Thomas the Train (okay so this was an old one but so cute)

at-the-donalds - that would be McDonalds

pludolph- the planet Pluto (my personal favorite)

uncle khacki- our friend Kevin

coldie cocoa- just like it sounds, cold hot chocolate(yucko)

darmmit- darn it ( we had to fix dammit, not sure where that came from,,oops)

Abar- Harry's stuffed dolphin, have no idea where that word came from

Popotito- Great grandpa Dixon

Japan and back

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Mon, 1 May 06 19:50:00 UT

Harry and I made it to Japan and back and what a great trip that turned out to be. I wish I wasn't in my chicken-bird mode and tried some sushi but the thought of raw fish or meat really brings me to the brink of emesis. How is that for a word. Ha , I have been dropping these oddball words in conversation to Harry and to hear them come back in his own little way is priceless. Oh and to hear him say "Aragato" or thank-you in Japanese..what a kick. I think he might have the language gene and maybe we should foster that. It's so hard to know what to do or rather how to go about these things.

Today we spent like 4 hours in the backyard planting(HArry picked out a raspberry bush), playing soccer(he kicks quite strongly with left foot...still writing wiht both right and left hands), chasing mamadog (extremely wild and crazy husky doo-little), mowing the lawn(i actually enjoy yard work immensely because I work out my muscles and my tan..yes, me a tan...and it's horrible too with the thought of skin cancer and all but I just love the brown glow on me
....all that good outdoor stuff that I think are absolutely essential to good mental and physical health. I say this only because Har has a few friends that are into video games already. I am not completely adverse to the idea but I think he is a little young. At preschool they do use the computer but it is highly supervised and educational. See I am okay with that? HA. I am such an old fashioned, resitant to change kind of girl. I really need to work on that.

good thoughts, positive vibes

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Mon, 20 Mar 06 19:15:00 UT

Is it really a positive outlook that brings joy and happiness? Is it thinking good things and trying to see the "goodness" in people and situations. Sometimes it seems like the more I do proscribe to this sort of thinking the more life seems to run smoothly. But is it my path or is it a consequence of my mental vision. Are things really bad when I believe them to be? Controlling our perception of life is empowering and yet weird. Can we really control things? What I find joyful others find boring or uninteresting..so what does that mean for the course of events. Some days I cannot stop thinking about human beings as ants under a magnifying glass and our little insignificant lives that cause so much stress and chaos. I think about what meaning life has each day but sometimes it is more powerful than others. Every once in awhile I have a powerful insight that is like a vision. I have only had 4 or maybe 5 my entire life but the feeling has stuck with me. I crave those moments of extreme mental clarity that seem to shed overwhelming peace and understanding..and then they are gone and I don't know what to think.
I just keep searching and listening and waiting.

What do I do everyday?

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Sat, 18 Mar 06 15:22:00 UT

Today was the open house at the airport for the new maintenance facility. I felt a little awkward but as the co-owner of an airplane and hangar I thought I should muster up the gumption to chit chat with other pilots. It was fun. Harry had a blast. He was so outgoing that he was chosen to hand pick the drawing winner. I wish he picked my name, 50 free gallons of fuel...now that is a prize.
One gentleman asked me what I did everyday after he found out that Kody was overseas right now. Are you kidding? I am so busy it is crazy. Maybe he thought I might be the type to sit around and watch tv, spend money and mope. Is that what people think military stay at home moms do? Actually, I know some that do so I should not be so sarcastic. But the majority of us keep a tight circle of friends, are busy with kids, housework, writing letters/emails to husbands, and other's maintaining a plane, motorcycle, 2 ferrets and an extremely walk-needy siberian. I would not change my life or course of events for anything. Well... I would like a little more time with my husband but that is a a good thing. I miss him a lot. Deployments are always an opportunity for extensive growing that I think normal marriages miss out on. Although some marriages cannot sustain the separation, ours has only gotten stronger.
I am grateful for my safe, happy and healthy family and my good friends. I thank each and every person who has ever made me truly think about my life and course of events. Life is meaningless without thoughtful dialogue. Even if it gets me all fired up..it's good for me. I need that.

Random thoughts

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Wed, 15 Mar 06 06:44:00 UT

Well, I finally did it! No, I didn't get my license yet...but I am close, so close. I dyed my hair. Yeah, like I saved the world. Ha. But for me that was a huge deal. I was so afraid to change my natural hair color and that it would symbolize I was trying to remain youthful and not gracefully accept that I am aging. I am aging and I am okay with that. I will not get a boob job or tummy tuck or face lift or any of that. But this color change is so I don't know,.... cool. I have been thinking about it for years. Kind of like that tattoo...thinking and thinking.
I wonder if I will live to be 95 or so. Will I be a cute little grandma with purple hair and a quick wit or will I have lost my faculties and need someone to take care of me? Will I even make it that far. Life is so brief and tragedy is ever present. Do I take it all for granted. Do I appreciate enough of what I have? If it is over before I think I have answered all my questions then what? Will I come back to repeat my path or will I have successfully mastered this life enough to move on to a more difficult or easier one?
There is no one religion that particularly answers my questions or even gives me solace or peace of mind. They all say a little something that I find I can connect with but mainly I do not believe that what is after this life is better. This is it. I don't belive that we live to die and go somewhere else. There is meaning in nature and relationships and in nothing. And maybe that meaning is that life doesn't have to be meaningful. We could spend our whole lives trying to find meaning and we do. But why? Is it really so scary that life might not be meaningful that this is what you get. It must be the struggles with money and happiness. We all want to be happy. We all want to have enough to have food and shelter. In America, you hardly ever see someone living below there means. And why not? A question for another day.

It's already tomorrow in Australia

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Wed, 1 Mar 06 10:25:00 UT

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

***********************************************

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

********************************************************

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care .

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)

It's almost March

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Thu, 23 Feb 06 10:05:00 UT

Yikes, it's almost March and I have not written anything in February. Actually, I can't seem to keep up. At first I wrote in this journal like it was a note to my husband. I guess I could write whatever I want but what is the point of me directing it to him when I could send an email. Well, does not matter, no one reads this but him anyway.

Harry is inching towards 4 years old. Holy Crap! I cannot believe it. I mean it has been a long 4 years of limited sleep and hardly anytime time to myself but this kid is great. He is so interesting and interested. He loves to learn, especially about space, the planets and flying. I enjoy watching him soak things into his little noodle and process them. I cannot imagine what my life was like before him. That seems so cliche and weird but we spend so much time together. We are only apart when he goes to preschool and that is only 9 hours a week.

Harry misses his Dad like everyone misses their best friend. At least Dad is great about sending toys and postcards in the mail. Harry loves to talk to him when he calls but he hogs the phone. "mommy I am not done talking to daddy"...yeah, 20 minutes later. And apparently I am not invited on their camping trip planned in Japan. That's right just 51 more days until we go to Oki again. Harry and I are soooo excited. We had such a blast last time.

I hope someday we get to live overseas. I'll put that on my wish list at Xmas.

Loss

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Sat, 28 Jan 06 15:42:00 UT

Anita just called me. Our neighbor, our dog sitter, just a good 17 year old boy died suddenly on Wednesday. I think it is the first time that someone I know, so young and so suddenly has died. I feel like it is not real. That I will walk by their house later and see him and smile and say hello.
We are going to a service tonight at 5pm. Harry's friend's mom is watching him. I am so grateful for all that I have. Such a great husband, child, family and dear friends. I only hope I can find the right words to express my sadness and sorrow for them.
Maybe I thought I would be more prepared. But how can you be prepared for the unexpected and yet that is what my life is like all the time. The military doles out handfuls of unexpectedness and each time I am sort of in shock. You would think I figure it out by now.

Goodbye Matt. You were a good kid. We'll miss you.

Starting off the new year

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Mon, 2 Jan 06 20:22:00 UT

So, I decided to get my act together and finish my license up. I scheduled a babysitter, called my flight instructor and planned out my day. Hello freakazoid weather. Winds were 19 knots from the south with gusts up to almost 30. Yikes. But I have laid out my groundwork and plan of attack and am ready to finish. I have 2 solo trips left and will hopefully get back in to the swing of things and go to Torrance on Friday unless weather is a delay. Wish me luck.

Harry had a blast with the girls today. They painted a birdhouse and watched Madagascar..Harry's new favorite movie.

Harry is also obsessed with the weather. The storms are coming he says. He is really interested in the rain and clouds and where his friend Sun has gone.
But we are also still talking about death. Not sure how to approach the subject really. I am still sticking with..everyone will die someday but not until they are really old. He is worried about the ferrets and himself. I am not sure what I believe happens to us when we die so I have a diffcult time trying to explain non-factual information to a child. I totally believe in being honest about what I do know, which on this subject is very little, but it sure is hard. I am going to need some help on this one.

Christmas follow-up

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Thu, 29 Dec 05 05:19:00 UT

It was an eventful 6 days from start to finish. First, almost crashing the car into hotel sprinkler system. Oops! Then forgeting Harry's car seat in the hotel shuttle. I'd say we started out on our middle foot. The flight was long and boring. Harry was a little fidgeting but he is growing up and now we can sit and talk or play pretend. Har is really obsessed with reindeer right now. In fact, he would like to own one the size of Bambi and keep it in his backyard. He said he will feed it carrots and water and the reindeer must have a red nose like Rudolph to fly through storms.

So we made it to Beantown got from the airport to Mom's house in about 20 minutes. Ate pizza visted with Mike and Sharon, Mom and Ed. And then went back to Logan to pick up Jody.

On Friday we drove 2+ hours to Carver to go to Edaville. It was a little bit of a disappointment for the adults but Harry loved it. He was nervous about the train ride because he was afraid of tunnels. The night before Mom and Ed were telling him he shouldn't go outside at night because animals might eat or bite him. (yeah, I told them to quit those stories..no one needs to be afraid of a possum in Squantum) So, Harry powered through his fears and really enjoyed the severly shortened train ride through the decorated cranberry bog. Afterwards he rode a carousal, a Dumbo ride, and a plane ride. He really enjoyed himself. He could have had his own plane but he decided to jump in the backseat of another kid's. They giggled the entire time and seem to have a blast. Although at one point I htought Harry whacked the kid on the head but after the ride when I asked about it everyone seemed happy.

On Saturday we went ice skating on the Frog Pond. Harry struggled with keeping himself up but Aunt Sharon, who is quite a good skater, really helped pull him along. Mom mentioned she might like to skate for exercise as she and Ed were quite amazed at not having skated in like 20 years just tooling around...and not falling down. Then we played in the snow piles made by the zamboni. Mike threw snowballs at Harry and Harry pitched them right back. Mike reiterated his baseball ideas for Har.

On Christmas Mike came over in the morning. Sharon stayed in NH until later. Jody and I cooked eggs and sausage and we sat around and opened some presents. Dad got Harry a Hess Firetruck and unfortunately the night before Mom let HArry open one present and it was ..you guessed it, the Hess Firetruck. So we decided to let Dad hold on to the present. Not like Harry needs any more gifts...holy guac he got a ton this year.

Then we went to Mom and Ed's at noontime and opened more presents. We had a nice dinner around 4 and back to Dad's.

On Monday we went to Fanueil Hall and walked around a bit. The city was deserted. It was so weird but great not to have to face the crowds. The weather reminded me of our Salem trip..gray, cold and slightly eery. Basically it reminded me of you and me mulling about, getting to enjoy each other wihtout interruption.

In the afternoon, Uncle Bob, Bobby, John and Anthony came over. Harry and Anthony had a blast. Especially when the uncles were playing "Keep Away". They were laughing and running around like crazy. I have never seen Harry play like that. He has such a blast and I was so glad.

Harry is so outgoing and busy. I told him last night before he went to bed that I hope he has a good life. I think he thought I said have a good day or sleep or soemthing becuase he just sort of brushed me off with okay mom.. That's alright.
He misses Daddy but we have been so busy this last month there isn't much time to dwell.In fact, I have only begun to start to feel that real core emptiness of your departure. We have been so harried with the season and keeping up and getting ready etc that there was no time to really feel the separation. We miss you. We'll just try and focus on the funs things to do when you get home.

Off to the polar cap

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Wed, 21 Dec 05 06:27:00 UT

I have become such a wimp. Sixty degrees seems cold to me. I cannot believe we have been here in CA for almost 5 years. It's like 20 degrees in Boston now. I remember the last time we were in Beantown and we went up to Salem and it started snowing. We ducked into a local coffee shop and kept warm. We were cracking up listening to some old fogies talk shop before throwing ourselves back into that wintry weather. That was a really nice trip.

I think Harry will enjoy seeing his Nani and 2 Papa's. He is such a crack up. Nani plans on having Harry decorate a train gingerbread house. We are going to Edaville Railroad on Friday night and going ice skating on Saturday. I hope Jody has a good time too. She needs to have some fun and get rid of some stress.

Harry misses you a lot! But being able to talk to you on the phone is great for him. He realizes now that you are not coming home for quite some time. Although he almost wants to cancel his birthday if you are not going to be there. Maybe if we get to come out and visit we can have a little cake for him in Oki.

And on another note, on my way back from the desert Anza looked so nice. I have always thought while driving through the Anza pass that a little cabin right next to the national forest would be cool. I love that drive through the mountains but I prefer to do it in a low to the ground car. I miss the VW. I do like those Audi's but way out of our league.
I can't wait to start planning our trips for this summer and next Thanksgiving. The holidays are not the same without you. The little pool misses your company! So do I!
Big Bear hugs!

Ah, this is my friend Jenny

kodyandjenny@cox.net — Mon, 19 Dec 05 13:48:00 UT

He's at it again. Our smart little bear introducing mom now as his friend. At least I am not his grandma anymore. Harry introduced himself to some Marine at the Naval Hospital today and the guy thought it was so funny. He said " now that's a good one" . I concur. Little bear also decided to secretly ulatch his seat belt. So, I turn a corner in the car and he slumps down into the seat. Oh, mom he says..I saved myself from the door. Can you believe him? Too funny.

I think you should return that shark if you can and trade it for a dolphin.

On another note, we are requesting horse rides and the purchase of a small horse stuffed animal(near baby sheep) at "Barn and Nobles". Loves those animals!

Off to turn off the sprinkler and haev myself a nap. This is like 5 days in a row of waking at 4:30am. Where are the other early risers?