* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.

* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''

* Try on bras over top of your clothes.

* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''

* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.

* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''

* Play with the automatic doors.

* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?''

* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!''

* Put M&M's on layaway.

* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"

* TP as much of the store as possible.

* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

* Play with the calculators so that they all
spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)

* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''

* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

* Take bets on the battle described above.

* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)

* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's
and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'

* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.

* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'

* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.

* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels.* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.


* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''

* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."

* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.

* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''

* Hold indoor shopping cart races.

* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''

* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''

* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''

* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.