11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!

10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?

9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!

8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!

7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.

6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.

5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.

4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.

3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.

2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.

1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?