Becoming Jewish

Have I mentioned lately...?

Mon, 27 Jun 11 20:24:00 UT

...how wonderful it is to have a boyfriend who cares about the fact that I eat kosher?

That's all. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Chag Sameach

Tue, 19 Apr 11 10:51:00 UT

Joyous Festival, everyone. It's Passover season again -- that time when "being mindful about what I eat" takes on an entirely new feel. Grocery stores always amuse me. In the "kosher food" section, the top shelf is usually filled with boxes of various types of matzo, all knocked askew because shoppers are poking around for a last box or two of "Kosher for Passover" and all we find are "Not Kosher for Passover" overstocks. When I finally find that end-cap set aside for Passover sales, there is always a large empty section where the Matzo *USED* to be stocked. Now there is just one sad half-sized box of "Israeli Chocolate-covered Matzo" (kosher for passover and year round) next to countless bottles of grape juice from Kedem.

I did go home with a jar of my favorite horseradish (with beets, the last one in the store), a small bag of apples (for my own charoset all week), a small bag of slivered almonds (because I'm not a fan of walnuts), two jars of gefilte fish (which I *love*), some tuna (for variety with lunches and brunches), and some matzo ball soup in a can (for when I'm desperate). I called ahead to my best friends, to see if I could go home with a box of matzo if they bought one of those 5-lb packs (I could, and they did).

Passover (night #1) was the smallest family gathering this set of friends had hosted in, well, forever. Families have come and gone in our gang of friends, many with their own traditions and children and travels lately. But this was a blessing this year: Our hostess is expecting their 2nd child in a few months. A large dinner would have been too difficult to put on for friends. With only 5 adults and one very tired and cranky toddler, we still had a fantastic meal and long conversation (which we drew out on purpose, to allow the 2nd-entree chicken-course to finish cooking, for our Festive meal). I enjoyed entertaining the toddler (my favorite nephew, don't tell my sister *wink*) and distracting him from one tantrum when he asked for horseradish and then found out it was very harsh tasting. I had fun making it silly to say it was a food that "made my mouth go WOW!" which always made him break into belly-aching giggles.

Unexpectedly, I ended up staying overnight on the couch (just in case Mom was called away while Dad was at work and yet Toddler was in bed). Nothing bad, just watching for who might need to be in a hospital or not. By morning, no new calls, no hospital trips, and everyone got plenty of sleep. (There are SEVERAL friends expecting babies right now, plus Mom in question is part of a community of expectant Moms who are supporting each other as "birthing partners." I'm just one of the Aunties who could be on-call to take care of Toddler, just in case.)

Now I'm back at work, a bag full of Passover leftovers in the fridge for me. And a head full of thoughtfulness.

Purim Shpiel

Mon, 21 Mar 11 08:21:00 UT

Purim Shpiel - Saturday night I made it back down to my synagogue for the first time in months and months (maybe a year) to see the Purim Shpiel. This time last year I was *performing* in the farce, and since then I've started dating my sweetie, taken up bellydancing, and moved out of town. I had skipped the High Holy days at my synagogue in fall last year for a number of reasons, and returning to services has continued to be a bit difficult for me to prioritize. But the director of last year's Shpiel had emailed me and specifically wanted to invite me this year. And in all honesty, returning during a time of celebration was an enticement.

I arrived in the middle of havdalah (the ceremony marking the end of Shabbat), so it was a little bit nice to just sneak in under the lowered lights, the candles, the singing. I do have to admit that I like the way we sing the Havdalah songs better with my SCA friends than my synagogue's method: the Rabbi uses more minor chords in several songs, where I'm used to a major chord version. But until I start working on guitar again, it's not like I'm going to be leading a different version for anyone. But, all that being said, it was nice to settle in for the play.

This year's Purim Shpiel was a medley of Beach Boys songs, filked with lyrics to fit the Purim story. It was absolutely hilarious. I hooted and hollered and clapped and laughed all throughout the show. (I also managed to spin silk and twirl my loud grogger when cued, but I've always been into multi-tasking.)

But the most gratifying experience of the weekend could be summed up in the single phrase I heard over and over again: We've missed you!

And I truly have missed them too.

Starting Where I'm At

Tue, 1 Mar 11 12:03:00 UT

I skim or read several different Jewish journals. This entry really hit the spot for me today: http://onthefringe_jewishblog.blogspot.com/2011/02/learning-from-inside-out.html

I'm not always certain what to say about the slow pace at which I'm proceeding through all this. I know when it's my own choices that make my Friday evenings unavailable for heading to services. I know what I've prioritized when I don't have Saturday morning available. I know the internal knots I went through last year during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, keeping me away from synagogue.

But I still feel Jewish. I still treasured that quiet time during Hannukkah to light candles and reflect on the moment. My sweetie likes to buy challah for me every week, and it makes me slow down and think about family and devotion and worship in a smaller setting.

I know that I still want to complete my studies, and my gut instinct is to complete them with my Rabbi, even if it means schlepping for the commute. When have I been daunted by a longer drive?

It's still a matter of learning to determine what is Important, just like the blogger I linked above mentioned. Eating kosher is still important to me. Returning to studies (eventually? soon? sometime?) is still important.

I'm still on this path. And I'm grateful for this.

Painful Timing

Mon, 10 Jan 11 19:31:00 UT

Painful Timing - I started carving out time to write in my normal journal last week. I took a look over here and was pained a little that I'd only written once in 2010. My life is still on the track of becoming more and more Jewish with every passing day, hour, month. So I thought, "I should start writing about this again."

And this weekend, as many of you are already aware, Debbie Friedman (z"l) passed away.

I will directly quote something I posted on Twitter, "today I learned from the web the meaning of: Baruch Dayan HaEmet, and the abbrev. Z"L. Not all learning is joyful. *sad*"

I hadn't lost anyone in my Jewish community before. And my understanding of Debbie Friedman (z"l) was tenuous at best. I didn't know that our synagogue used her version of "Mi Sheberach" in Friday services. I didn't know that some of the other songs I gravitate toward easily when I harmonize without even thinking, these are her songs.

I think the oddest thing about feeling grief and mourning over our loss is that although I didn't grow up knowing and singing her music, several times people have told me my singing reminds them of her. I made up my own "Alph Bet" song long before I'd ever heard of her or heard her version, just because I needed a tune to learn from/with. I made up my own Psalm 23 in college, just to have something to sing myself to sleep. (I even had it sung for me at my wedding, back when I was married. [I'm now divorced.]) I don't even know if she has a Psalm 23 tune in her 19 albums, but I imagine she might have. I just felt like writing music to learn Psalms. Once upon a time I wanted to write my own tune for every Psalm of David. I still might some day, you never know.

I just finished watching the 24+ minute behind the scenes from her website. And I'm weeping as I listen to her tell how she was motivated to give women a voice in song and prayer. I cannot compare to her achievements, but oddly the only post I wrote in 2010 echoes my same worries -- my place as a woman in music and worship.

I feel empty and ignorant and like I've lost a treasure I never had, because I didn't grow up with her music.

Yet, Mi Sheberach was stuck in my head all weekend, and likely will be for years to come.

* * * * *
Postscript the first: One song that was reported to be hers, in either an article or a twitter remark somewhere, was Shalom Rav... and on further internet double-checking, it seems this song is music composed by Cantor Jeffrey Klepper and Rabbi Dan Freelander.

* * * * *
Postscript the second: My rabbi just posted to Facebook: As you have likely already heard, Debbie Friedman - who more than anyone is responsible for the outpouring of creative contemporary Jewish music of the last 35 years or so - died early Sunday morning. In her memory, Congregation Shir Chadash will devote our monthly Kol Kolot (All Voices) gathering this Wednesday, January 12, at 7:00 p.m., to her music. Let our voices join in praise and thanksgiving with those of so many American Jews who will be singing her songs with special sweetness in the weeks and months ahead.

Weaving Between the Debates... As a Woman

Thu, 4 Mar 10 15:33:00 UT

Weaving Between the Debates... As a Woman - Ah. The joys of my conversion process often include navigating through the long-standing traditions of various denominations, and having to get caught up on the jargon and terms that many people seem to take for granted. I am still trying to understand the long traditions amongst the Conservatives, the Orthodox, all the sub-sets of Orthodoxy, the Reforms, the irreligious but culturally identified Jews--all my brethren.

How This Got Started - It all started when I saw this post:
http://onthefringe_jewishblog.blogspot.com/2010/03/re-traditional-role-of-women-in-judaism.html - "On Maharat Hurwitz becoming Rabbah Hurwitz" by Shira Salamone Thursday, March 04, 2010

So I had to back up and read up on:
http://riverdalepress.com/full.php?sid=11305¤t_edition=2010-02-04 - "New title, but restrictions remain for religious leader" by Kate Pastor, February 4, 2010

... to learn about Sara Hurwitz, the first "Orthodox rabbah" (the feminine version of the Hebrew word rabbi). It has been mentioned that she has received ordination (Semicha).

....and I read this article:
http://www.frumsatire.net/2010/02/24/rabbi-sara-hurwitz-is-the-first-orthodox-woman-rabbi-is-this-wrong-or-just-against-the-status-quo/ - "Rabbi Sara Hurwitz is the first orthodox woman Rabbi â is this wrong or just against the status quo?" by Heshy Fried on February 24, 2010

...so I could better understand this article:
http://www.frumsatire.net/2010/03/01/too-much-tolerance-seems-to-make-people-intolerant - "Too much tolerance seems to make people intolerant" by Heshy Fried on March 1, 2010

...and the LONG list of comments from readers. I skipped over all the comments about politics (Bush v Obama comparisons, issues for left v liberal v anything/everything else), and tried to follow the conversations about women in leadership.

All this, just soo I could see what Shira Salamone was responding to in the first place!

- - - - -

Reviewing the Vocabulary - After this dizzying tour of the internet, I also had to run around Google to look up the meaning of several words: Maharat (a new acronym, stands for "manhiga," "hilchatit," "ruchanit," "toranit," --leader in Jewish religious law, spiritual matters, and Torah), Semicha (ordination), tznius (a group of laws regarding modest clothing and headcovering), Serarah (leadership and authority, restricted for women), kol ishah (which I looked up on purpose, to find out what the name of the prohibition is for women singing in public or in front of men ... discussed here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tzniut#Female_singing_voice)

Confused much yet?

One of the Questions I Still Have - I hope that someone point me to a few sources that discuss the point about Judges, and how various traditions deal with Deborah. I'm still unclear who denies which roles to women and why. Being a woman who has always been part of the leadership in volunteer organizations, I'm still learning how to appreciate and respect (and respectfully disagree with some of) the various opinions around me in the Jewish community as a whole.

Feeling at Home - And if anyone wonders why I'm feeling at home in my partially Reform, partially Conservative, completely unaffiliated with any denomination synagogue --> I'm at home in community that values: Women in leadership, Women in Music, Formal Traditional Services, Informal Progressive Services, Men and Women studying Torah (together!), a Community that participates in learning and serving and volunteering and acting together, a congregation that invites Single people, Married people, Partnered people (yes, I mean Gay and Lesbian partners), Families, and All Ages to be part of the congregation. They encourage social action, community participation, Hebrew learning, religious education for children, continuing education for adults, charitable action in the world, care for the elderly and the sick... the whole package.

These are my people. Clearly.

Now, if only I better understood my brothers and sisters in other congregations and denominations.

My First "I'm disappointed in you" email

Fri, 5 Feb 10 11:16:00 UT

Editor's Note: You may find the comments on LiveJournal also interesting.

So I received an interesting email.

It's not even the "I'm disappointed" you're becoming Jewish, it was a Facebook email that said "I'm disappointed in some of the public things you're saying on Facebook" email.

I'm supportive of gay rights. I'm supportive of gay marriage. I was when I was Christian. I still am now that I'm Jewish.

The details and context - I've been starting to be more publically supportive on Facebook, and yesterday posted a link to an article, and expressed my disagreement with a right-wing fundie who was not only against gay marriage or homosexuality in general, but thought so many of "the problems" with homosexuality today would be solved if it were just still a Felony and Illegal. The man in question (from AFA) wrote in his own blog things like, "Think for a moment of the current social controversies that could potentially be avoided if homosexual conduct was still against the law.... Gay marriage: problem solved. We should never legalize unions between any two people when the union is forged specifically to engage in felony behavior. Would we sanction, for instance, the formation of a corporation whose stated purpose was to import illegal drugs? ...Hate crimes laws: problem solved. We wouldn't throw a pastor in jail for saying that illegal behavior is not only illegal but also immoral. For instance, he's free to say that murder is not only contrary to man's law but also to God's law. End of the threat to freedom of religion and speech...

I stood up against this on my Facebook page, although I did modify my opening comments from "For Shame! For Shame!" to "In matters of faith, there are variations from individual to individual, and from denomination to denomination. Sometimes I'm appalled at certain variations, and AFA's Bryan Fischer opinion and assertation in this instance appalls me. You might be appalled, you might agree with him. Or ...you might never have heard of him at all. I just thought I'd share this link."

In reply, I got the following email: "I'm concerned about some of the opinions you are espousing. I know you know that as a Christian the final opinion is what the Bible says on a matter.Of course there is mercy and compassion for the individual, but that is very different from a public stance :("

Oh noes.

I've put off making my Facebook profile say "Religion=Jewish" because I haven't completed my conversion process. I don't want to be misleading anyone, for claiming something I might not have the right to claim, according to officials or technicalities. I know I *FEEL* Jewish, I *THINK* Jewish, and I *ACT* Jewish, but I also am very careful not to tread on toes yet, because of the technicalities. I don't count for a Minyan yet, as far as I know, and that's not even counting the fact that I'm female. Currently, I have my Facebook Profile set to say, "Religious Views: matter to me, significantly."

Summary - Once again, I'm feeling like I need to step up my studies and wrapping up the loose ends, almost just so that I can set my Facebook Profile for "Religious Views = Jewish."

That's an odd goal, isn't it? *le sigh*
- - - -

Addendum - The answer I'm trying to send, but Facebook is having Inbox Errors right now.

- - - -
(Dear Friend,) So I've been thinking about this email exchange all morning, and trying to figure out how to address it better.

On this one issue, I think that there's still a chasm between the prevailing two opinions. (1) There are Christians who are against gays, based on their reading of the Bible. (2) There are Christians who are supportive of gays, based on their reading of the Bible. (3) There are Jews who are against gays, based on their reading of the Bible. (4) There are Jews who are supportive of gays, based on their reading of the Bible.

So you have a four-part chart: (A) Those who read the Bible and conclude that they are Jewish, and (B) those who read it and conclude that they are Christians. (C) There are those who read the Bible and conclude that the Bible is against gays, and (D) those who read it and conclude that it is not against gays.

Because of this, anything I say online is going to be problematic with someone on that chart.

But I've concluded that although I keep MOST of my political opinions to myself, and simply publically support that people should study and learn and form intelligent opinions, I can no longer be completely silent on the issue of Gays in Society.

I am in support of the right for Gays to Marry. And I am now less apologetic about this stance than I used to be.

And I'm sorry that this probably disappoints you. But I can understand why you felt concerned and disappointed. But this happens to be where I am at.

I do love our friendship greatly, and always have. (Signed, me)

Selichot - A Moving Passage

Sun, 13 Sep 09 01:19:00 UT

Selichot - I semi-accidentally found out there were services tonight at 10 PM-midnight, in preparation for the High Holy Days. I say "accidentally" because it was no great plan or design that I was in services on Friday night, heard the announcement of a movie night at 8 PM Saturday followed by a service, and I thought, "I'll be in town, I could go." But I had no idea what the "Selichot" service would be (although I recognized elements of the service from previous years).

A Moving Passage - One of the portions we read silently touched me very personally. I took the time at the end of the service to grab a notecard from my purse and frantically, quickly, write down the whole passage. When I got home and ran a check on the internet, I found it attributed from the play "Great God Brown" by Eugene O'Neill, 1926; from Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, 1990; and a few sites mentioned Tikkun Nefashot, Repair of the soul. Most reliable is the attribution credit that it comes from Eugene O'Neill, or at least the first two paragraphs. (I'm fairly certain Brennan Manning is quoting Eugene O'Neill.) The closing paragraph was obviously adapted for our services.

Here it is from our devotions tonight.

Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music, rhythm, and song? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the living colors of earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to believe, I who admire commitment, sincerity, and trust?

Why am I afraid to love? I who yearn to give myself in love? Why am I afraid, I who am not afraid? Why must I be so ashamed of my strength or of my weakness? Why must I live in a cage like a criminal, defying and hating, I who love peace and friendship? Was I born without a skin, that I must wear armor in order to touch or be touched? ^[O'Neill]

Beginning tonight, I initiate a period of self-evaluation. I sit in judgement of myself. Before the tribunal of reason and honesty, the roster of my deeds stands exposed. The reality of my daily life meets the sharp serenity of my ideals. I want to be so much so much more than I am. I want to be wiser, kinder, more vital, and more confident in the act of living. I want to seize the world zestfully and turn it to some urgent purpose. I want ever so much to feel commitment, direction, and faith.

* * * * *
Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Inspiration, and a congregation where that can be found

* * * * *

Postscript Notes: According to http://www.jewfaq.org/elul.htm#Selichot -

As the month of Elul draws to a close, the mood of repentance becomes more urgent. Prayers for forgiveness called selichot (properly pronounced "s'lee-KHOHT," but often pronounced "SLI-khus") are added to the daily cycle of religious services. Selichot are recited in the early morning, before normal daily shacharit service. They add about 45 minutes to the regular daily service.

Selichot are recited from the Sunday before Rosh Hashanah until Yom Kippur. If Rosh Hashanah begins on a Monday or Tuesday, selichot begins on the Sunday of the week before Rosh Hashanah, to make sure that there are at least 3 days of Selichot. The first selichot service of the holiday season is usually a large community service, held around midnight on Motzaei Shabbat (the night after the sabbath ends; that is, after nightfall on Saturday) . The entire community, including men, women and older children, attend the service, and the rabbi gives a sermon. The remaining selichot services are normally only attended by those who ordinarily attend daily shacharit services in synagogue.

Also, according to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selichot -

In the Sephardic tradition, Selichot begins during the series of Selichot services of the High Holidays on the second day of the Hebrew month of Elul. In the Ashkenazic tradition, it begins on the Saturday night before Rosh Hashanah. (However, if Rosh Hashanah falls on Monday/Tuesday or Tuesday/Wednesday, Selichot are said beginning the Saturday night prior to ensure that there are at least four nights of Selichot).

The Balm of Music, Ceremonies, and Epiphanies

Thu, 3 Sep 09 18:03:00 UT

How to Conquer Nightmare Fear - So, this topic might normally go in my "normal/public" journal, but it had another element that made me want to share it over here. I had a nightmare last night, worse than any in memory. It was truly horrific, and details are not needed. But upon waking, I was left shaking, and trying to find a way to reorder my thoughts and go back to sleep in a more pleasant fashion. Every other topic or person or inspiration I tried to think of, just slipped back into memories of the dream, and I wasn't conquering it at all. So I figured I needed a distraction.

A book and some music. That'll help. I put on my headphones, dialed up the playlists on my iPod, and tried to find a foolproof, perfect soundtrack. Easy. Remember my review of the band "Blue Fringe" and their three albums that I bought on a hunch? I dialed up their music, hit play, smiled, put down the book, turned off the light, and easily and blissfully fell asleep.

There's a favorite book series that I re-read every now and then, called "The Belgariad" and the "Mallorean" by David Eddings. There's a moment in one book when the hero is being assaulted by nightmarish thoughts from the evil nemesis, and he's told to think of either this girl he likes or in another book to think of the rustic farm where he was raised. In each instance, the girl or the farm would confuse the evil nemesis, and the hero would be able to fight off the doubt, insecurity, etc. that he was battling.

As I went back to sleep, all my attempts on my own to think of other sweet relationships, happy event memories, favorite places, or the love of family and friends was not conquering the waves of nausea from my dream. But when I put music on that was half in Hebrew, half in English, the nightmare thoughts were confused, and couldn't find any foot hold to turn my thoughts back to the icky themes in the nightmare.

I am just beaming with a silly smile today, that Jewish rock-n-roll banishes nightmares for me. *giggle*

* * * * *

Here a Conversion, There a Conversion - A friend at my synagogue is all done with all the steps for conversion and is having a ceremony on Sunday this weekend. Another very close friend just scheduled her ceremony for October and sent out her invitations today.

I'm left wondering why I haven't moved any faster along my own path. Why am I nonchalant and taking my time? Hmm. I'm not sure there's a reason. Maybe in one sense, I don't need to rush myself because I feel secure and safe in my own identity. There's no deadline I have to race towards. And oddly enough, I like the comforting feeling that my conversion does not ADD any stress to my life. I have plenty already, kthnxbai. So, in that way, Judaism just *is* part of my life, and doesn't rush me or push me or stress me or frustrate me. It's my refuge. It's my safety. It's my relaxation. It's my Sabbath rest.

I like that conclusion.

* * * * *

Other Loose Ends - There's no romance in my life right now, for those of you who might have been wondering. I didn't remember saying anything in my last post (oops), and so I figured I should tie up that loose end.

But my trip to see my old college friend made me realize something VERY important to me. For years now, especially post-divorce, I've thought long and hard about what are my standards for any future, permanent relationship(s). I boiled down my long list of brainstorming various requirements to the four "non-negotiables." (1) Someone who is single already. [I have to spell that out, because I happen to have friends from a number of other alternative lifestyles, and although I adore my friends, I don't happen to chose some of the things they do.] (2) Someone who is SCA or SCA-compatible. I'm very invested in my love for this group that does history learning through hands-on participation (and isn't the Ren Faire), and it's sorta non-negotiable that someone in relationship with me would understand my love for this. (3) Someone who is not only non-homophobic, but what I would call "Queer Supportive." That's a make-or-break topic with me. If you hate gays, you and I are NOT going to get along in a romantic relationship.

And (4) once upon a time was "Christian" because that was how I identified growing up and in college. I had a loose definition, and it wasn't denominational at all, and in fact was probably much looser than some of my college Christian friends. Then as I started to ponder my love for Judaism, and putting myself mentally into the question of "how would the world look different if I'd been raised Jewish?" I changed the requirement to "Religiously Compatible." The more I looked into Judaism seriously, the more I started to feel uncomfortable with the questions from a couple of friends who asked, "do they have to be Jewish? or just religiously compatible?" I wanted to say I wanted someone Jewish... but I felt odd saying so. Even after I have realized "Hey! I want to convert!" I still wasn't sure how to address this issue.

Then I spent a weekend with someone I adore who happens to be Jewish. We went to his synagogue. I got to laugh and enjoy the antics of his rabbi (who is a hoot, by the way). I got to meet his friends at his synagogue. And everything clicked. It *does* matter to me. "Religiously Compatible" no longer is some undefined, wishy-washy, open-door policy that I would be able to spend my life with someone regardless their personal religious convictions, even if they didn't match mine. Nope. I realized that I really *Really* want to be with someone who is also Jewish.

My love for where I've finally come *home* runs so deep that I cannot imagine how I could have a partner who didn't share this with me.

My friend Jeff tells me I live passionately in everything I pursue. (He's probably right.) And I think I really found the definitive answer. (4) Jewish.

So, if you happen to know any Single, Jewish, SCA guys who are Queer-Supportive and would like to meet me for coffee or dinner sometime... ? *grin*

* * * * *
Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Jeff and Adrienne and Benji, for being such an awesome example of a Jewish home. Ken, for being such a loving friend. Larna, for your amazing journey. Theresa, for being just so darn fun.

Returning Home Again

Mon, 10 Aug 09 06:58:00 UT

Returning Home Again - Pennsic was an interesting experience. For those non-SCA readers, it's a big camping trip with over 10,000 people, all in "an attempt at medieval clothing" -- not quite as strict as a living history museum re-creation medieval village, and not a theatrical setup like a Renn Faire, but camping in Pennsylvania, and a week or two of activities.

Last year, our group had a meal plan with a kitchen coordinator. This year, there was nothing like that, so I was on my own for meals. There are food merchants, and they even have a good selection for vegetarians. I bought some groceries to keep in a cooler in our home camp, and I ate out in merchants just slightly more than half the time. Because I'd only just decided right before camping that I wasn't going to stress about finding kosher meats only, I chose to eat chicken or turkey for a few meals. But it was really hard to break the habit and mind-set that "when ordering out, eat vegetarian." The cashew chicken from the stir-fry place was nice, and the grilled chicken on a salad was nice, but I still felt more comfortable ordering a portabello wrap or the spinach-feta, rather than anything else. I did buy turkey slices for my camp food, and ate turkey and multi-grain protein bread for breakfast almost every morning. It's going to be hard to wean myself back on to occasional restaurant chicken or turkey. But for dinner last night, back at home, I did order my favorite turkey burger from the place across the street, and enjoyed every bite.

The hives have changed consistently slightly -- they now completely resemble the itchy bumps I had on my hands as a small child. They no longer look unfamiliar, just annoying and itcy. I tried "gold bond" lotion, which helps a tiny bit, but it's also "cooling" so it's shocking to coat nearly your entire body at the same time (almost too cold). There's another recommended lotion in the mail at home, I'll have to pick up when it's working hours. [I'm currently still working on Eastern time.]

I felt slightly alone at Pennsic, because there really weren't any other Jews I knew... although I saw a few people wearing kippot, and felt a kinship just across the campground with them.

This weekend I fly to FL to be with an old college friend, possibly a romantic connection. We plan to go to his synagogue Friday night, and I'm looking forward to it very much.

This September, frustratingly the weekend of SCA classes is scheduled against Rosh Hashanah, which means I'll miss the wood-carving class from Klaus that I really *REALLY* wanted to attend. Jeff's comment was a simple: "Welcome to being Jewish." Yeah, I see what he means.

And I need to double-check: I think my Hebrew class might be starting again this week, which would be tomorrow night.

More later, my dears.

* * * * *
Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Ken, simply and straight-forward, I'm so thankful for him.

Kosher, Weddings, and Things

Wed, 29 Jul 09 14:24:00 UT

Update on Kosher - My apologies for neglecting this journal for a while now. Things continue to go well, albeit a bit slow. We had a class for a month at the synagogue on "Jews in the Middle Ages" which was enjoyable to attend. I made it to a few Friday night services, and then I've been gone on weekends frequently since.

Most notably, I'd been struggling with health and food, and how I wanted to approach "kosher" or "kosher enough" for me. For maybe a year and a half now, I'd settled on "If it's my choice, I only choose kosher meats" and "if someone else serves it to me, I'll be okay with things like chicken or lamb or turkey that didn't come from a kosher butcher." The problem is that I have spent months and months eating out or eating on the run or eating solitary meals at work. I've bought food at the grocery store or Trader Joe's for work, and eaten either sushi or fish or vegetarian meals from restaurants. Basically, my entire protein intake was reduced to just fish, because I haven't been to the kosher butcher in forever.

I think that this has just become too strict for my health. Besides last December's scare with a numb tongue (which went away with daily vitamins and food variety), my latest problem has been a rash of hives (which could be an allergic reaction or an unknown cause or my biggest fear, some sort of dust mite or bed bug) and now constant cravings for protein. Because I began to worry that maybe my fish-intake was more excessive that is good for my health, I think I've concluded that (a) I'm not getting enough non-fish protein and (b) I'm not getting enough food variety at all, with my current incarnation of "kosher" or "kosher enough." So I've decided I'm relaxing my rule, and I'm allowing all chicken, all turkey, all lamb again.

As for the rash, hydrocortisone seems to help a little, although I find myself completely dehydrated in the morning, parched and dry mouth, if I've applied creme before bed. Benedryl didn't help, and only made me sleep too hard. I'm planning to wash all my bedding in hot water laundry (again), possibly once a week, to ensure that it's not some sort of mite picked up g-d knows where. And after that, I need to schedule a trip to the doctor's, to examine the hives and make sure they're not some sort of horrible health trend that I'm ignoring.

But yeah, back to a more relaxed kosher, to see if that helps with my health.

Weddings and Things - Of the 4 weddings I attended this summer, 3 of the 4 were partially or primarily Jewish. Matt and Tamara's was probably closer to Conservative, although she has not converted as far as I know, and I'm not sure if she plans to -- she did however crochet kippot for all the wedding party, and embraced many Jewish symbols in their service. David and Juliette have embraced an Orthodox approach, although not everyone at the wedding was comfortable with that yet. There were quiet murmurs about "you cannot touch him/her, you cannot hug them" because of the "no touching someone of the opposite sex except your spouse or immediate family" that they asked us to respect. It was interesting and challenging, for me to see a more strict interpretation of Judaism. Finally, Ben and Erika's wedding was again a mixed-couple, and just had some nods towards her love for Judaism, but mixed respectfully with his non-religious approach. The wording of the ketubah was very careful and egalitarian, and no reference to "according to the Laws of Moses." But there was still a chuppah, ketubah, seven blessings, and breaking the glass.

Another adult Hebrew language course is starting up again, which I plan to enroll in. And I recently renewed my friendship with my first Hebrew instructor, when he helped with consultation on the Ketubah that my friend Laurie and I did for Ben and Erika's wedding.

After that, I'll have the chance to attend services in a few weeks when I fly out to FL to see an old college friend. I may have other things to say about that visit later, but for now, just smile with me as I plan for my trip in sixteen days. *grin*

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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Graham, for all your intense assistance and strong friendship. I'm glad I can somehow also be a blessing in your life.

The Yanov Torah, and Some New Found Security

Sun, 3 May 09 23:51:00 UT

The Yanov Torah - Wow, I made a note on March 1st that read "Yanov Torah" and then I didn't write anything else. I think I was going to research it further, buy and read the book, or something like that, before telling you about my own experience. But now it's two months later, and I haven't written anything else.

I actually started to compile some of the information I found out about the Yanov Torah into Wikipedia back in March, after my experience at synagogue. But I'd forgotten about that too, and still need to do further work. Please check out the links to news stories that I put on the wikipedia article, to get a full sense of this historic piece. Because now, I really just want to tell you my personal story.

I went to services Friday, February 27th, and the Yanov Torah was discussed and then unrolled for everyone to see and touch. If you've, never seen a Torah manuscript, it's entirely written by hand (calligraphy) on real vellum--animal skin parchment. There's a silky, furry, velvety feel to vellum that is unlike any other substance. Now, typically a "kosher" Torah scroll is not touched by your bare hands, because you don't want the oils from your hands to damage the parchment [remember that "parchment" is not that "olde tyme paper" that we think of in a modern sense of parchment... think "fine leather"]. But the Yanov Torah was smuggled into the Nazi work camp, hidden in various dorms and hidey holes and other places, and then smuggled out again into Soviet-occupied Poland, hidden there, and smuggled out again into America. It's been taken from synagogue to synagogue for over 30 years now, to tell the story of the inspiration these texts--and THESE fragments of texts--were to those who held on to them. So, in retelling the story of these people and what they endured, we enrolled that scroll right down the center aisle of our synagogue, everyone holding their hands under the manuscript to keep it up off the ground.

I was moved to tears. Even something so simple as the parchment itself, the calligraphy--these things alone can move me from an artistic point of view. At Pennsic last summer, I got to touch sample trimmings from "Torah parchment" that a scribal merchant had for sale --trimmings that couldn't be used anymore, but were still originally high-quality enough to have been made for producting a Torah scroll. Just those small fragments brought a tear to my eye at Pennsic. Standing there, holding up the parchment pages that had been separated from Torah scrolls in Nazi-occupied Poland, smuggled into the Yanov Camp, smuggled out again into Soviet-occupied Poland, and smuggled out once more to America, it was all I could do to hold my breath and keep from sobbing. I came back to services again that following Saturday morning, got to hear the tale a second time, and then got to hold the scroll again in the aisle.

I'm not sure what else to tell you other than it was amazing, it was awe-inspiring, and it's a book I really want to get and read and share with others.

More About My Journey - Several recent events have gone by that have gotten me thinking again. First, an old college friend was turning 40, and his wife was throwing him a surprise birthday party, and had found tons of us who hadn't seen him in 15 years or so, to all be there. Now, I'd known these friends in a Christian fellowship in college, and we'd led Bible studies, served on worship teams and prayer teams, and had lived this kind of lay-training and service within the college fellowship together for years. Most of these friends have gone on to missionary work, ministry, worship teams (music leadership in churches or at camps), and other related devotional positions, whether professionally or just in a volunteer fashion.

And almost none of them know I'm converting to Judaism.

A few people now, I've had conversations with them. One friend (who I knew was coming to the party), immediately was supportive and thought it was fantastic. Another friend responded with "But I don't even know who you are anymore, and it's all my fault that you're a stranger to me now because I stopped keeping in touch with you." That was the harder one to process: (a) I'm really not that different from who I was in college, and (b) even if I were different, having grown through the years, how is that "his fault" exactly? Or is he saying that he wouldn't have noticed such a drastic difference if he'd stayed in touch? I was certainly perplexed at his response.

The big test, though, was attending the party and openly wearing my Star of David necklace. And would you know something? Not a single person commented on it. No one threw out the typical "so what church do you go to now?" question. No one remarked on the necklace, or asked about it, or brought up any leading topics. It really was a non-issue.

And today was another test. I went to a baby shower for one of my cousins, and all her sisters were there, and her Mom (my aunt) flew in, and my Grandad was there (also their grandpa). I haven't been able to find my more subtle necklace lately, the one that turns into a string of butterflies or a star. So I decided to just wear my solid burgundy enamel and brass filigree pendant, and see what happens. Nothing. Nothing happened at all. Grandad didn't say anything, my Aunt didn't say anything, and my cousins didn't say anything. Of course, it's "just a necklace" in some people's worlds. And some people seem to notice detail less frequently than I do.

But on a funny note, the expectant father, my cousin's husband, is Brian. And his brother came to the "boys party" of poker and beer and margaritas, while the ladies hosted a baby shower. Brian's brother (Steve? Alex? I'm drawing a complete blank suddenly) had on a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and arms full of tattoos. On his left bicep was a large (maybe 5-6 inch diameter) open-knotwork Jewish Star. He and I definitely made eye contact several times, his tattoo and my necklace, but beyond the names and introductions, I didn't talk to him at all at the meet-up.

Anyway. My thoughts on the whole experience -- I've been worried often about whether my personal religious choices were going to offend and hurt members of my family and/or friends, especially the more fundamentalist Christians I've known over the years. And so far, the response has been either (a) very supportive, (b) mostly supportive and slightly confused, (c) no response at all, and only (d) one person hurt and confused by the whole thing. I think I'm finally getting a sense of how people react to and respond to someone choosing Judaism (as opposed to being born into it), and the unknown is receeding. It's getting easier to deal with, because it's less of an issue for people than I was worried it might be. And it's surprisingly more invisible than I thought it would be.

Maybe this comes because I've tried very hard NOT to make it a big issue. I'm not one of those people hitting you over the head with my opinions, my choices, or my "lifestyle." I try not to even let my choices of eating kosher be a bother for anyone. It still matters greatly to me, to be hospitable in everything I do. It's just nice to find out that there's less to worry about than I thought there might be. Sure, I still might be vehemently rejected by someone, someday. But it's less frightening to face than I thought it could be.

And in many ways, it's a matter of feeling more secure in my religious identity than ever before. And that's *extremely* comforting.

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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: Matt, Jamila, Callie, and Dave

Thinking About Integration

Tue, 24 Feb 09 13:12:00 UT

Thinking About Integration - I finished reading Walking the Bible: A Journey by Land Through the Five Books of Moses by Bruce Feiler last night, and several thoughts keep returning. Most notably, I really want to start more actively pursuing *completion* of this conversion process of mine. When I first started, I was a little intimidated by all the things I needed to work on, like someone newly invited to a party and told to "make yourself at home" but still feeling too new to do anything about that. But at the same time, unlike some conversion stories I was reading online, I didn't have any "gotta do this now!!!" panic or rush, like some people experienced. I was very comfortable in the "finding out what this means to me" and learning how to incorporate things into my daily life and long-term plans.

And I've certainly grown in my personal identification and experience of Judaism. It doesn't feel squeaky new anymore, when I learn things I've never heard of before. I'm not startled when people look to me for answers about Judaism in general. It just feels more and more natural every day.

But where I used to be just fine with the phrase "I happen to be in the middle of my conversion process," now I want things to start heading towards "completion." I want to be able to integrate my journal "over here" with my journal "over there." It's very much a part of me, and it's not something I'm comfortable "leaving it in the closet." Which is a different level of anticipation of the unknown: What happens when [quote] "everyone knows" [endquote]? And I'm less nervous about that question than I used to be. My family mostly knows, and I'm less worried about the ones who don't know yet. Some of my college friends, even from the old Christian student fellowship I was part of, know now, and there hasn't been any repercussions that I haven't been able to handle with patience and with grace. Once or twice I've been challenged by friends who don't understand, but we still have good friendships. Eventually someone *won't* understand, and some friendships might suffer, but I'm okay with that possibility.

So, it's time for me to start amping up a few things. I need to schedule a few more meetings with my rabbi, to talk about this desire to start finishing things. I need to work regular attendance at synagogue into my normal life. And I need to finish some studies / homework assignments.

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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: My supportive friends and family, who've helped get me this far

Retreats, Food, and "Caught Between Dialects"

Fri, 20 Feb 09 13:44:00 UT

Summary? Abstract? - *laughs* I'd written about the Retreat in December, and never posted. So, here's some old and current thoughts - the Retreat in December, thoughts about food and kosher (and health), and being "caught between dialects" which includes observations about communities, languages, and customs. Enjoy.

Weekend Retreat - When I was at the synagogue for Sukkot, the Harvest festival in fall after all the high holy days, I got to chatting with Linda about spinning. I spin yarn from fiber, and I often teach at demo's about how to spin on a drop spindle and information about the history of textiles and spinning in general. She was really intrigued, and suggested I should bring spinning to the retreat coming up in December.

This, of course, got us talking about "what's this retreat?" and within a few weeks, I'd completed my registration for the retreat. It meant missing a local holiday celebration with my history club, but since I go to those all the time, and this was my first opportunity to go somewhere with my synagogue, I knew where my priorities were this time.

So the first weekend in December was the retreat, at a Jewish campground run by the Wilshire Temple, up in the hills above Malibu, California. And wow. The site is breaktaking. Here's the photos I got on my cell phone of the sunrise on Saturday, sunset Saturday, and afternoon clouds on Sunday. I still need to work on the photos from the people and activities, but enjoy the nature shots for now.

I brought my spinning, after debating and debating whether I should, and I'm glad I did. It was very well received, and I did small demonstrations and hands-on teaching on-and-off all weekend. It was interesting, discussing how spinning is actually one of the "33 39 things you're not supposed to do on the Sabbath." (Apparently I got the number wrong, as I was calling it "33 Things" all weekend.) Our conversations wandered over "things you do to relax and enjoy a weekend or enjoy a retreat" being different from "things you do for work" or "for a salary" or "for a price." We also talked about the attitude that you would refrain from "creating something" on the sabbath, since that's when G-d rested from creation. But since I was *asked* to share spinning at the retreat, I opted to bring it and share the experience with friends. I personally chose to do "production spinning" after havdalah on Saturday night, so I only worked on spinning to make lots and lots of yarn Saturday night and Sunday morning. I only did small demonstations for discussion and enjoyment on Saturday before sunset. It made the Sabbath feel different for me, by making this choice.

The retreat, as a whole, was wonderful. The drive up was scary, because the last part of the road is just barely 1.5 car-widths wide, doesn't have guard rails, winds a lot, has huge cliff drop-offs, and is REALLY scary in the dark. But I shared a cabin with my friends Pamela and her daughter Amanda (who also plays Quidditch with me). Two other ladies I see at services all the time were in our cabin, and it turns out one of them is a really good guitarist, and happens to sing and write original folk material, too. There were probably 40+ people there, all ages, and I made tons of fantastic friends. At services on Saturday morning, the rabbi asked one of the men and me to hold the Torah scroll (eep!) while he did the Torah portions. It was nerve-wracking, and a huge honor too, to hold up a hand-calligraphed parchment sacred piece of artwork ... and exhausting, as the scroll is fairly heavy. For those of you who are not Jewish and have never seen one, the Torah Scroll in a synagogue is a LARGE item.

It was a fantastic weekend, and worth every moment and every penny.

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More Thoughts about Food - Now, many of you read my "normal public journal" and you may have read about how my tongue had gone numb for a couple of weeks. I began to suspect the problem was nutrition based, or more accurately, lack of nutrition. Yup, I was being lazy and stupid, partially rooted in a life-long battle with food anyways, and partially rooted in some worries about how I approach kosher choices. My watchphrase became Less Dumb, More Food Variety, More Vitamins and within a week I was bored out of my skull trying to recite all the foods I was cooking and/or eating. Results more than six weeks later: I'm occasionally still lazy about shopping and cooking (I can only maintain hyper energy for food for so long), but I have dutifully taken my vitamins every morning, I actively try not to be as lazy, and I've felt healthy ever since.

I'm still occasionally plagued with minor worries about how to eat kosher, but I'm happy with my primary leading rule: In all things, celebrate life. Sometimes my friends make me dinner, and although only one family keeps a kosher kitchen and buys kosher meats, all of them know I cannot eat beef (it hurts me) and they either make certain there are vegetarian options for me or they serve me chicken. I've relaxed a little bit about chicken, when prepared by my friends. My scare with my tongue going numb reminded me that if I'm too legalistic, I just don't eat anything at all and that's not healthy and it doesn't promote anything good (physically or spiritually). So if I'm in charge of buying something, I can take the effort to head over to the kosher grocery store, and stock up on kosher chicken, lamb, and turkey. We were camping for 4+ days over President's Day weekend, and so I just packed a bunch of kosher meats to add to the kitchen group meal plan. But if I'm not in charge of the shopping, like when Rae and Renata have a half dozen of us for dinner, I will be happy to eat the chicken they so lovingly prepared with me in mind. I didn't pour a cream sauce over the chicken and potato, but I'm not big on sauces anyways even before I started to observe kosher.

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Caught Between Dialects - The strangest thing about this whole experience in finding my own path in these many Jewish communities usually comes to the forefront for me in the vowels of the language. Huh? Allow me to explain. My college degree is in Linguistics. I've always *ADORED* language acquisition, study, analysis, and observation. I couldn't have found a greater wealth of language variety if I'd tried, than all the different things I'm noticing in the various Jewish communities. First, there's the modern influence of the Hebrew language, which really developed differently in Israel than anywhere else. Then there's the heavy influence of Yiddish in a variety of parts of the world, and in the large number of American communities. Then there's the study of Biblical Hebrew, and how that experience varies in Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox communites (in addition to non-Jewish scholarly pursuits of Biblical Hebrew that are out there).

I had picked up a copy of The Story of Yiddish, and within a few pages wanted to throw the book across the room. There's only so much "see our depreciating humor?" that I can take in a discussion of a language, but after I grit my teeth and kept reading, I gave in to the idea that I was observing something else about the language and the community, besides an analysis of Yiddish. It wasn't really a linguistic analysis at all, or even a social history, but more a skewed sense of what passes (in this author's mind) for analysis and history, giving me a different observation of how this author was shaped by the community, language, and history around him. I'm still not done with the book (it's living in my car as a backup time filler), and I may have to re-read portions of it to get back into the flow. But it did start to fill in some assumed history that I was missing out on, about American Judaism. Much of American Judaism *did* come out of the Yiddish communities and the Eastern European experience, which is something I can stand to learn about and understand further.

Now, on a good note, I've also been reading Walking the Bible: A Journey by Land Through the Five Books of Moses by Bruce Feiler. I'm only about two-thirds through the book, but I just ADORE the narrative. I also have Walking the Bible: A Photographic Journey, which I just flip through occasionally, after reading the main book. Oh, and I simply cannot recommend more highly The Red Tent: A Novel by Anita Diamant -- it's another FANTASTIC book.

After finding the music of the group Blue Fringe, I subscribed to the Sameach Music Podcast and have been working my way through the archives over time. I'm on episode #38 this morning, and each episode is usually around an hour long. It only finally dawned on me this morning to look up some things about the community where this music comes from. I looked up simply "Crown Heights" in New York, and found this is in the middle of Chabad-Lubavitch, one of the largest Hasidic movements in Orthodox Judaism. Now tons of what I've been listening to makes more sense, but again, I feel like I've missed out of so much of American history somewhere in my education. I mean, sure, I'd heard of Chabad. I had heard the word "Lubavitch" before, but I hadn't really understood how rich that community is in its own resources.

Here's where I start to feel "caught between dialects." Imagine if you'd grown up in some other language, in some other part of the world. Now you have an interest in learning English. Forget for a moment all the normal language problems with English. Picture being exposed to Shakespeare theatre and text. Then all the broadcast media in America centers around the "mid-western accent of Cleveland, OH" (this is actually true, newscasters are sent to Cleveland to clean up their accents, if they have one). Then have a mixed number of English-speakers in your neighborhood who are British, British-Indian, Australian, New Zealanders, Californians, Texans, Bostonians, Chicagoans, New Yorkers, and Minnesotans. Can you imagine the confusion, trying to learn the "correct" vowels (and even consonants) in the language?

Some days that's how I feel about Hebrew. There's the "pure Biblical" classroom pronunciation that I'm occasionally taught from classes, textbooks, and audio-recordings. Then there's the experience in synagoge, when different readers, leaders, and singers participate in the service. Some of the T's are pronounced as S's (like Shabbat versus Shabbos). Some people have tons of "Oy" vowels in their words, yet others have almost none. I'm still not even sure which vowel that "Oy" is supposed to be, in print. Oh yeah, and the print version of Hebrew may or may not indicate vowels. Then mix in various usage of Yiddish, a language I've never studied at all but which peppers much of the history and experience of many American Jews.

Mix this with the community and religious approaches and experiential differences between Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox. Add a few friends going to Israel for the year, and having *wildly* different experiences. Add in a few friends who are married and both are Jewish, versus a few friends who are Jewish and dating / engaged to (or likely to marry) non-Jews.

Top it all off: I'm single and female. And I sing.

In the Orthodox community, there's limitations of what women are allowed to do or pursue, based on the gender of the audience (which means pretty much *everything* on Sameach Music Podcast is ONLY male singers, either adult men or boys choirs). Sure, they have recordings of women's music on their website and in their catalogue, but it's not featured on the podcast (well, yet... I'm only up to episode 38).

If I could design a dream life, I would enroll in Cantorial training, to learn what it takes to be a Cantor in a synagogue. But at the same time, I'm an unmarried female, which means I wouldn't be welcome in every Jewish environment as a singer. (Not that I've been looking to participate in Orthodox Judaism, but I'm noticing the parity.) Of course, I'd also enroll in Scribe training, to learn what it takes to be a calligrapher (and illuminator) of Jewish texts, but I imagine that this might also have gender restrictions in some contexts.

But at the same time, I enjoy my participation in the SCA, so I know my personal pursuit of Judaism *will* include that not all my Saturdays will be spent at the synagogue. I *will* be often in medieval costume on the weekends, promoting (as I describe it) "learning and teaching history through hands-on participation, as seen through intentional communities, artistic and martial pursuits, and volunteer service." And my Judaism is intricately woven into just who I am as a person, as a woman, and as an unmarried person. And I'm a musician at my heart, and I composed new music and perform it everywhere I go.

I don't really have any conclusions about all these issues. Sometimes, I don't really even know if I have any questions about them. Just observations for today. And lots of vowels to ponder and play with, as I learn to figure out my own accent.

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Best. Family. EVAR! - On a final note, my family completely rocksors my socksors. My mom gave me the cutest Chanukkah gifts all through the season, including sending me funny Chanukkah cards a couple of days. My sister and nieces filled a blue-and-white bag with tons of blue-and-white gifts, and I nearly fell over laughing, enjoying them all. I even received two "Christmas ornaments" that were blue and white snowflakes, but if you look carefully, they're really six-pointed stars. They make me giggle and laugh so much, and I just adore my family.

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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: All my language instructors over the years, who's influenced me, including but not limited to: grade 7&8 Spanish, grade 9 Italian, grade 9-11 Spanish, grade 12 Spanish, college level 1 Italian, college levels 1-3 Russian summer immersion, college levels 1-3 Mandarin Chinese, the Tritt family and their church for ages 12-14 American Sign Language, college level 1 ASL, summer crash courses in Hebrew I and II, and Hebrew I and II last year

More Music, Family, and Friends

Tue, 25 Nov 08 00:36:00 UT

More Music - So, I had gone to my local Judaica store before Sukkot, to pick up the lulav and etrog (which is a woven palm branch, willow, and myrtle and a citrus fruit that you use in the sukkah or hut, for basically a Harvest Festival). A typical Rosh Hoshanah song was playing over the store speakers, however the shop owner didn't have anything about who the recording was done by. [It was a collection that she didn't have in stock.] I really liked that song and it was stuck in my head for hours.

I wrote an email to my Hebrew teacher and my rabbi, to see if they had any good music recommendations in general. Just recently they both got back to answering my email, and neither of them really had much to recommend. Of course, by then, I was able to recommend "Blue Fringe" to them, and I've been looking for additional material out there.

Once again, the internet is becoming the resource I've always dreamed it would become. I watched several songs from Blue Fringe on YouTube, and found where they'd gone into a radio music podcast to promote one of their CDs. From there, I looked up the podcast, and found that there's 50 episodes of the Sameach Music Podcast. Now, if you download files through iTunes, you'll only find the 10 most recent files they've published. Some of them are full episodes, but some of them are just promotional recordings. So, I spent some time downloading the first 17 episodes, and I've listened to eight of them so far. Some of them are a bit cheesy with the "promotional radio DJ" talk, and the music is usually just a selection of a track (sometimes with more DJ talking over the beginning of the track), but it is the *treasure trove* I was looking for. So now, I'm getting to sample all sorts of material in the Jewish music scene -- the music, the people, the promoters, the concerts, the names... everything I needed to spring board into finding additional music. It'll be a while until I've exhausted all the great leads in the podcast, on the website, etc. Heck, as it is, the early shows I've downloaded are from 2005 and 2006, so it'll be a while until I'm caught up on the back issues of the podcast.

Not all the music is my kind of music. Some of it bores me, some of it is actually annoying (I cannot stand reggae for example--would you believe there's Jewish reggae out there?). Some of it reminds me of boring church praise music, so I'm not surprised there's boring Jewish praise music. But occasionally there are some musicians that *I* adore (like Blue Fringe, of course), and some music that you might consider "ethnic" or "world music" style that I enjoy in small doses. The range is phenomenal, which I find encouraging.
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More Family and Friends - So I've told my sister, brother-in-law, step-sister, Mom, and now Dad about converting. Every single one of them has been supportive, and each conversation has been very enjoyable. On the friend front, I've told a several old college friends now (two over email, one in person), and each of them have also been supportive.

On one hand, I'm exceedingly thankful that so many friends and family are supportive and interested in what I'm pursuing for faith and devotion. On the other hand, I'm still a little keyed up and nervous about the first time I find someone who *won't* be supportive. I cannot imagine that universally everyone I know will be supportive. Right now, I worry the most about my grandmother (my Mom's Dad's wife), and probably my grandfather too (Mom's Dad). But sadly, my grandmother just went into the hospital last night (back pain that has spiralled out of control, and has trigger major chemical depression, a terrifying regression after her recovery from a huge bout of medically treated depression a few years ago). I know that I wouldn't to aggravate her illness(es), and she is (they are) the ones least likely to be supportive.

Those of you who pray, please do so. Her name is Joyce. Thank you.

One of the two college friends that I told via email found me through Facebook. If you've never used Facebook. the strange and amazing thing is that you can see who your friends have connected with --> which means occasionally someone joins who makes a friend connection with someone who knows *everyone* you know, and you end up with tons of new networked friend connections. Well, so when he joined, he started finding all the old college friends I knew in the same Christian student fellowship. So (a) yippee, I may be able to reconnect with old college friends I love very much, but (b) oh did my nervousness level just shoot through the roof. Nearly all the friends from this fellowship have remained strongly committed to Christianity, many of whom have gone into leadership or ministry or missionary work, etc. Now, I cannot imagine them being like my grandmother, because they're the same age as me. Being in our generation, I can imagine we have a more supportive attitude with one another, but um, I know these friends from back in the day of bible studies and singing worship songs and going to Christian retreats together. Yes, these experiences are still valuable memories in my past, and they helped form me into who I am now. But I cannot help feeling slightly frightened at the "how do I explain this" conversation.

And to be honest, I know that when my conversion process is complete, I will publicly change my status on Facebook and MySpace so that it reads "Jewish." And that will suddenly broadcast itself on tons of friends pages. It's going to be something I won't be hiding from, but it makes me think hard about how to stand firm in that day. Not everything will be easy or understood by old friends. But I cannot swerve from this path I *know* I belong on.
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Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: All the support I've received so far. You all bolster me when I'm feeling nervous or frightened.