urg. i cant be sick now. but i think i am. i'm so tired. so.... unable to panic. u see, as a nerd, i have this instinct. i naturally and totally freak out before a test. whats more. tomorrow is the beginning of an EXAM. if i were my normal self, i'd be pulling my hair now. but i'm not. i'm serenely sitting on my computer chair, typing in an entry, not even studying.
mind you, i spent the last 4 hours, conked out.
heaven help me tmr. i am like... so sure i'll screw up. of course i totally do not want that to happen... but i just feel so lethargic, so aimless, so unmotivated. this must be how it feels like to be ah wei and bong... i dunno how they stand it...

open houses this weekend... went to hc... went to vj... both different. and both really call out to be in very different ways. one of them will is where i will fit in, continue to be my boring self and really push for academic success... and the other one. lets just say i'll be a drastcially different girl in 2 years time. i'd be alive, energetic, probably sociable. ha. can laugh my head off just picturing me as a social animal. if it were legal to do so, i might have already dug a hole in some mountain and stayed there with probably 6 good books.

its hard when you reach the crossroads with no signposts. and i figure, even if there were signposts, it won't make anything easier. this is just such a scary decision. plus, my parents are making it so much better for me by insisting i go to poly...

i'm not so much against the idea. but the thing is, maybe that really isnt the route for me. i don't think i'll fit in. i'll be even more of an anti-social. i mean, if i dun fit it, i'll just withdraw even more.
they just don't seem to understand how i feel and who i am anymore. i'm frustrated with that. but i cant really change it...

ok... i have a little more than 12 hours. but nope. no flutter in the tummy. no nerves. no tension.

urg. i'm just gonna go and try stuff more of nicky's notes into my head. maybe that'll help.