Such Sweet Nothing
Words, whispers and sighs Shrieks, sometimes

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the day has come
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Mood:
oddly excited. but still understandably stressed.

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soooo
it all starts on monday. some insane part of me cannot wait for it to begin. i suppose the logic is that it has to begin in order to end. so it is possible to see the beginning as a thing to look forward to.
however, the sane side of me begs to differ.
starting with chinese. damn. why cant they have picked another subject? startings are very important.
a good beginning is half the battle won. its the same in a race, you start well and you tend to end well.
what kind of shit starting am i gonna get with chinese. i mean, its CHINESE.
really, i am nothing like the daughters in jlc. i am totally ok with my culture. i just... don't do chinese really well.
been focused on the damn subject for like 5 hours today...
and i still think i'm gonna fail.
stressssss. damn... i don't want to fail. but i know a1 is so out of reach. i just want to pass so i don't have to take chinese anymore.
its just become so painful for me to learn the subject. i mean, i can speak it; occasionally, i actually read chinese magazines and i find the articles really nice. but to really force myself to learn word after word, write, memorise meaning, form sentences... its just become some kind of subtle torture for me.

i don't know where i stand anymore.
for me, i know that for o levels, i have not studied with the same determination and understanding as i have for prelims.
but i cannot tell this to anyone in class. because no one will believe me.
they don't see how frustrating it is. for them to just assume that mugging is effortless and a given for me. just because i practise self discipline doesnt mean i love studying and it doesnt mean i always succeed in doing it. sometimes, i get tired too.
i just wish they would see.

i was thinking about christmas today.
about glistening tinsel and jingle bells
about presents and dresses
about angels and peace
about christmas cartoons, turkey
lighted candles, glittery balls

i think underneath all the peace and goodwill to all men thing, christmas is really just a universal excuse to shop, eat, laugh and love.maybe its why i always feel a little better when i think about christmas. feel like i just remembered how to smile.

i can't wait. i really can't.


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