At the end of Crash Into Me
Izzie says: I'll never be kick-ass. I'll never be Chrsitina or Hon.

You can hear it in her voice. (Or at least I did) That feeling that you're inadequate. Or inferior. Compared to Them. The kick-ass hard core people in your life.

People have told me I'm a Christina person.
But the truth is, I feel like Izzie inside. I feel like I'm faking hardcore and kick-ass so hard that it's actually working and someone actually believes me.

The truth is, I'm not. Who am I kidding. I'm not an arts student... If you're reading this, remembering my grades and rolling your eyes, you're dismissed. Stop reading. Because you won't understand what I am going to say anyway.
For one, I'm incredibly under-read. Very. I've never read so many freaking books that Mr. Ho thinks are so great and essential or something like that.

And this whole year has really been one long struggle. It has been... a real struggle. Every lesson. Every assignment. Sure I get it done on time, probably hand it up way before some of classmates start... But I stay up till 2 or 3, staring at the stupid blinking dash thingie on my blank Microsoft Word Document 1, scratching my head, trying to sound intelligent/insightful/analytical about Dickens or Owen or sea history.

I'm tired of pretending to be Christina.

But next year is hardly the year to be Izzie. Next year calls for hardcore and kick-ass like I have never been before.

And Lexie says: I have no one.

I thought about not posting this. Because I know how it sounds to who will read it.
Then I thought, what the hell. I have no one.
Uhm. I think only one (two?) people will understand what I've just said...

Shall return to the sanctuary of my KI and Lit books. Where no one and nothing can get me.