Life right now:
1) Insecurities: about my research essays. I think they suck. And I am at the stage of showing everyone. And there is a dread in me but also the resignation that I must take everything and work like hell to make them work. My research essays I mean.
Resolution is to be brave and work hard.

Side note: I am now, more than ever, fearful of failing to live up to expectations again. I just want to do better. It's a fear I've never escaped no matter how many times I tell myself "as long as I've tried my best". The voice inside my head has never stopped asking "what if your best isn't good enough?". [In the backgound, dreams of Oxford languish.] haha.

I think I have a cyclical, automatic self-hate mechanism in me. Kicks in every test/ exam.

2) Increasing silence: in class, elsewhere. There's much to say. But no one to say them to. So shut up and mug seems to be the general sentiment.
Or perhaps I am just freaking tired... I get this way when I work.

Tis prelims.

3) Wishing time would just pass: I cannot wait for 19 November. This ends. All this ends. So absolutely, so finally.

Deep breath-
Here we go.