I'm officially depressed/suicidal.

University has taught me that I am stupid. And that I am evidently sleeping too much and doing too little work. I feel like I'll never get first class honours even if I give everything else up, which induces unbelievable depression.

Most of all, I cannot believe the monumental stupidity that was MUGGING LIKE CRAP FOR THE A LEVELS SO THAT I COULD COME AND DO THE THINGS I AM DOING NOW AND GET THE GRADES THAT I AM GETTING.

When I made this decision, I feared so much regret and I wanted so badly to make it work so that I could turn around and think "hey, I didn't fuck up".

And now, I feel like bit by bit, my stupid worse-case scenario is being realised.

I cried on the bus today. I haven't done it since sec 3. If you can do it quietly, no one really bothers you. And even if they do see, they're too uncomfortable to do anything about it. At home, I have to answer questions. And in school, I'd be sent for counselling. So, the bus is good.

Oh. And I might have broken up with my boyfriend today. It's hard to say.

So. I could settle for second class. Or no honours!
If I could, I'd be happy.
But. I can't. I've played the idea around. I've proposed it to myself. I've listed the benefits. I know it's rational.

But I just can't.

I am not happy.
At all.

I can't find chocolate in the house.

I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. I wish I didn't have these fucking deadlines and papers. I wish I wasn't in university. I wish I could go and sleeeeep.

I wish there was chocolate in the house.